Comments on Narcissism Daily Mirror: Narcissism And Social Media

You guys are awesome! Thanks for all you do. Whe...

2012-01-28T18:03:41.071-08:00

You guys are awesome! Thanks for all you do. Whenever I listen to you both, I feel like I am in the company of wise and loving friends. I am impressed with your strength and what both of you have been able to accomplish. Narcissism is so hard to live with, but their is hope!

I just read over Anonymous Jan 22, 9.30 am and gas...

2012-01-24T01:30:04.347-08:00

I just read over Anonymous Jan 22, 9.30 am and gasped for breathe when I read her blog. The behaviour she is explained in her description was a goose bump similarities of my X husbands behaviour.

Facebook become a tool to manipulate "audiences", to deceive.

My x husband used social platforms to create a false presence of who he is.

He was emotionally abusive & became physically abusive during the end

He misrepresented me and our marriage, in order to gain others' sympathy, support, and cooperation.

Posting FBook information on what a good father he was and that his wife bought him gifts for him being such a good father etc to gain approval from others, when I did't.

He used to SPIN REALITY and isolate me from would-be emotional support!!!! "I cant do everything" he would say...when he did nothing for our house or home or son. "you know you struggle" "you know you act a little crazy"

(this blew me away as this is exactly what mine did) "He is in his 40s but dresses in clothes you would see on a teen, complete with the PANTS HANGING OF HIS BEHIND." It is as if he completely lacks acceptance for who he is.

Thank you for sharing this Anonymous 22 Jan, it seems I am not alone. (F SSCoast)

I want to thank you both for being such down to ea...

2012-01-24T01:00:47.184-08:00

I want to thank you both for being such down to earth people and sharing this information on Narcissism. I am 29 and just left a marriage due to what I believe, my partner having this disorder. He was very very good at deception, lying and living a false reality. He was soooooo convincing in his manner and started making me believe I was crazy and in the end I was soo sick I had a breakdown, my self esteem plumeted. I was always wondering 'Why is everything so hard" how can we be fighting over this" "I am sure I am not starting these fights", "how did we even start an argument about this" My life with him was kaos...absolute Kaos" I did everything for him, he did nothing much to help me or his relationship. He put me on trial with everything I did or didn't do "I was doing it wrong" In the end I gave up, I asked him to leave and in an attempt to win me back he played it like it was still a game. He is still making it as hard as he can for me, as he has not visited our son of two years. It breaks my heart for my son asks for his daddy, but there is nothing i can do. He wants to always be in control and if the only thing he can do to hurt me is not to see his son, he will do so to hurt me. I am lonely and I am shattered about my relationship circumstances. Never did I imagine to be a single mother with a child who's father doesn't want to see him...but what can you do. Thank you for sharing with us this information on Narcissisn, these traits in character are SPOT ON of the Chaos this disorder causes. (29 female, Sunshine Coast QLD)

Yes get back to the books again, they are exercise...

2012-01-23T01:33:16.644-08:00

Yes get back to the books again, they are exercises you need to work on daily. I still have to go back to them sometimes too! That is really why I wrote them at first - for myself! It took me so long to find good information when I did I began consolidating it.

I believe lack of trust is the wound. Inside I think they don't believe anyone is trustworthy and they are really angry about that!

Things usually get worse before they get better so keep standing your ground and see if the tide doesn't turn.

Hang in there!

Kim Cooper
www.NarcissismCured.com

PS. Back from the Looking Glass and The Love Safety Net Workbook
have both been updated recently - so if you can afford it you might think about
downloading them again. Updates in the past have been free but this time as
I had a lot of outside help with editing and getting the concepts clearer I haven't
been able to give the updates away free. If you resubscribe at www.NarcissismCured.com
however you will be offered a introductory special on both books (as downloads)
for only $29.95.

Thanks for this reply, Kim. I was the one who wrot...

2012-01-22T18:51:12.910-08:00

Thanks for this reply, Kim. I was the one who wrote earlier about Facebook, etc. I really appreciate what you said in your response: "I loved him and myself enough not to allow him to destroy our family." I am trying to be discerning, to pay attention to my intuition; I get a lot of conflicting and generalized advice that would suggest the situation is hopeless. Yet I have seen my husband "well". It is nothing like this.

And perhaps as well as he has been in the past, there may be things he never truly dealt with and they have just come back around in different forms and intensities over the years. It may be that the best I've seen so far in our relationship is but a dim reflection of what it could be, if genuine, deep healing can occur -- as it clearly has for you and your loved one. Thank you for sharing your wisdom-through-experience.

I did purchase your writings on the looking glass, love safety, emotional intelligence (or lack), etc; but I bought them and downloaded over a year ago, when the abuse was really escalating. And it helped me stand my ground in ways I needed to at that time. Reading the entry on the daily mirror today made me think I need to pull out those writings again and re-read, especially about the developmental gap work, because now we are in a different dynamic than a year ago, and different things may feel more relevant and timely. It's ironic that someone who makes another feel emotionally unsafe, would actually be in need of emotional safety himself, in order to heal. But I totally get how necessary this would be, if the relationship is to have any chance.

I think you have a really good understanding of th...

2012-01-22T17:16:35.218-08:00

I think you have a really good understanding of this and yes it will be hard for him and you will need to be both tough and caring at the same time.

By this I mean that you need to be tough enough to get out of the way of the consequences his aggression and irresponsibility will bring on himself while also saying (if it is your wish) you will stand by him and help him if he 'drops the game'. In my case it took me letting Steve know that I would be needing to call in help for his porn addiction from outside the family because I had no idea how to deal with it - but I wasn't having it in my house any longer. That at first made him furious of course - but as I also already had an AVO on him really he was cornered as intimidating me was only going to land him in jail.

Many people say that means he only changed because he had no choice and that isn't love. I disagree. Yes he did have no choice - but that is exactly why it was love. I loved him and myself enough not to allow him to destroy our family.

I remember that day and I remember saying to him. You know what you are doing is not okay or else you would not be ashamed of other people knowing. If you truly were innocent you wouldn't need to hide.

Once his false pride came down however all the anger was gone and he was so relieved I was there to help him through the change that needed to happen. It was like rehab for a junkie in someways. He needed me to shield him from all sorts of expectations people had of him that were unrealistic. When I did that he was amazed at my strength and a trust he never had in anyone before began to grow between us.

So yes I gave him no choice - but now Steve loves me like most women never experience being loved. He would do anything for me and he tells me all the time I have to look after myself because he needs me always by his side.

That kind of love is something your husband's Facebook friends can never give him.

Going where his own angels fear to tread.

So yes I agree it will be very tough - and only you can decide if you have the guts to take on his dark side - but in my case the rewards have been greater than I ever could have imagined.

That said. I really highly suggest that you do not try this without Back from the Looking Glass and The Love Safety Net Workbook. The small price you will pay for them will offer you structure and guidance through this process that I am sure you will find invaluable.

Kim Cooper
http://www.NarcissismCured.com

THANK YOU for writing about narcissism and social ...

2012-01-22T09:30:03.259-08:00

THANK YOU for writing about narcissism and social media. I know that in and of themselves, venues such as Facebook, Twitter, etc are innocuous. But in the hands of a narcissist, it really can become a tool to manipulate "audiences", to deceive and even to hurt/isolate in abusive situations.

My husband is an alcoholic/addict who has used these social platforms not only to experiment with personas, but also to create a completely false presence of who he is. He has used it to be secretive in our marriage and to be lauded as a "hero" by other females, because he likes to come to the rescue for other women. Though he was not always so, he became abusive over the past few years. One of the worst things was that people in his life, including my own family, believed his FB page was an accurate depiction of what was going on, and refused to believe me. Not only did he grossly misrepresent himself, but he misrepresented me and our marriage, in order to gain others' sympathy, support, and cooperation. He was being psychologically abusive toward me at home while posting quotes on loving-kindness by the dalai lama on his FB page and getting lots of sage "thumbs up" from others who had no idea of the other side of him. It was amazing, the way Facebooking assisted not only in his own denial but in denial among those who didn't want to believe the truth about him (because it was the polar opposite of what they had come to believe.)

He used it artfully to spin reality and isolate me from would-be emotional support, and he knew he had accomplished this and was pleased at the result. Now that he has built up such a false construct, with so many believing it, I would think it would be really hard to "take it down" or begin presenting himself honestly because he has already created this thing that everyone believes (like the boy who cried wolf). It's also really tempting to continue or to return to because it is this false presence that has so many followers, friends, fans; it is the one who receives the accolades, or whom people think is "cool" or "hip". And all without his actually having to earn their respect, trust, etc (as in a real relationship).

I sometimes wonder if way down deep underneath, he doesn't feel that the real him is good enough to present to the world and so he is never himself, which means he can never feel truly comfortable in his own skin and authentic. He is in his 40s but dresses in clothes you would see on a teen, complete with the pants hanging off his behind. It is as if he completely lacks acceptance for who he is.

I have worked hard in the past year to develop and defend appropriate boundaries for myself and our four young daughters as his addictions have progressed. One thing that is really remarkable seems to be how fixed the delusion or false reality is for him; he splits himself off from his behavior, protecting himself from "seeing" his behaviors toward me and the children that the "well" him would find completely horrifying and untenable. It is very bewildering for me to see and recognize the "him" on the outside, which still looks like him, but he isn't acting like him anymore; what used to have value to him, has no value. What used to tug at his heart or elicit empathy from him, draws a blank, or incites anger.

When I defend my boundaries, respectfully, calmly, it usually brings out threatening behavior from him. I have read that when one person in a sick relationship changes, that is can be really threatening to the other person because they don't know how to interact with this "new" partner.

At some point, an honest, happy, authentic life with values would have to feel more attractive to him than the facades and false "hims" that he has convinced literally hundreds of people to believe. That's a lot to walk away from; a lot of relationships that might not withstand revelations of honesty.

Yes certainly! Our work is based on 4 pillars whic...

2011-12-28T23:47:23.351-08:00

Yes certainly! Our work is based on 4 pillars which are attachment, limit abuse (ie. setting effective boundaries). emotional intelligence and developmental gap work.

Our program in it's essence teaches people not to use their emotions to try and set boundaries as this is ineffective and usually counter productive - but instead to practice new scripts, take decisive actions and also pull in a network of support.

We find the work of setting boundaries much more effective once a person has learned to leave their emotions out of the process.

Emotions are like the signal - or I like to say sometimes 'car alarm' that a boundary has been crossed but are not effective in themselves at limiting the unwanted behaviour.

Kim Cooper
http://www.NarcissismCured.com

I see your circle suggestions serving as a very co...

2011-12-28T22:23:03.989-08:00

I see your circle suggestions serving as a very constructive and methodical manner of healthy and productive communication and dialogue. I haven't had time to study your material, but I have read 4 books on the subject of sociopathy and narcissism. Personally, I find reasonable boundaries are conducive to personal and positive growth. Most any energy is most effective when channeled. When channeled appropriately it's constructive. Do you consider boundaries an essential element or parameter for NPD management or therapy? If so, please elaborate.