Comments on Narcissism Daily Mirror: Why Narcissists Don't Care ...

The problem I have is what to do after a verbal ab...

2012-02-18T16:20:05.371-08:00

The problem I have is what to do after a verbal abuse episode. I am letting him know that I need some space after a tongue lashing so I wont be going any where with him and doing as if its business as usual. He purposely tries to get me into conversation so I have to balance being pleasant and not letting myself be drawn into no consequences for his actions. I am feeling out what he really needs (is dependent on me for) and like you say limiting what I give to him.

Your story is certainly not over and the ending ma...

2012-02-16T13:41:15.350-08:00

Your story is certainly not over and the ending may surprise you! You are SO on the right track! You are doing great and the progress you start making now will make everyday a challenge to look forward to!

I have faith and it is time the pity party for mys...

2012-02-16T02:29:52.190-08:00

I have faith and it is time the pity party for myself ended I am a strong women and can almost deal with anything. I should have listened to your instinct and mine regarding V taking me to the hospital and I didn't but that is a lesson to be learnt. At this stage you are right Facebook can go on the back burner for awhile as I do have lots of things to worry about and now that I have found out that my job has been readvertised while off was sick. There is no way that I am going to rely on anyone else and this is something that I am going to have to do on my own 2 feet. However I must point out, much as I would love a happy ending like you and Steve, but this is going to be a different ending. As all relationship are different and has different aspect and qualities that people bring in together.
No 2 people are alike.
V is scared and angry that I am in more control of my life and to be honest it didn't help the fact that I posted on Facebook " Now is the time for me to follow my dreams and do the things that I want to do" anyone would get scared but you are right Kim this is me time and now for the nurturing of soul... I hope to post you with good news in the coming months xx

You are doing great 303! So great to see you takin...

2012-02-16T01:03:11.502-08:00

You are doing great 303! So great to see you taking it all on! Yes social media can be tough but really you have better things to worry about and a life to live! No I didn't ahve that back when I had my problems with Steve but then he worked at a bar every night until after 12 and so I could not even see any of what went on there or after work. You hang in there - a new life awaits you after this battle!

Hi it is me again 303, I am having trouble dealin...

2012-02-16T00:33:48.154-08:00

Hi it is me again 303,
I am having trouble dealing with V, I just had an operation last Thursday and he had a complete meltdown at me 1 hour after we got home. Next day he lost his bananas and it was the worse that I have seen him be it was that frightening. All over he dropped the butter and blame this on me and after ranting and raving for hour and kicked me out while i could not move and in pain. I am still shocked and traumatized about this still. I am going through the angry stage at the moment and I would love to hang his dirty laundry aired on Facebook about what happened. I am struggling with the concept of him acting all happy and gloating about himself on facebook. I think it hit me on Valentines day he went and helped a friend out and did all her dishes for her... whilist I am still at home recurperating and nursing my wound. It stung and hurt. But it wasn't until I discovered a real motive that he needed good karma back at him. You cannot create Karma like that it works in mysterious ways and it has a way of slapping you in the face. I contacted this women and said listen you need to realise that he is a Narc and there is always a motive etc. He admitted to her that he is Narcissistic. I have told her all about what has been going on in the last 2 years and she is shocked but has a better understanding of why and how. Funny thing is he went over there to grab xanax as he is having trouble sleeping.
I have recruited her and a few friends and it is now time that I have told my family as the cracks are now showing. I have taken your advice in the Looking back from the glass and co dependency and now building a life of my own. I will be moving into a new place on Saturday and once I get settled and better I will be exercising my bill of rights in my home and boy the house of V will be coming down or otherwise he can high tail it to his place. There will be a new set of rules.
He will fight me tooth and nail for the change not to come and I will be rising up squarely.
I have not rang him since that day, however I am not ignoring him just regrouping my thoughts and arming myself with the Love safety net. Co dependent is just as bad as Narcissism. I should never had let him come to the hospital my friends were wary and like a wolf in sheep clothing he told them not to pick me up he had it under control. It was almost predatory and calculating.
Was this like this in your relationship? How do you deal with Facebook? Its like a playground for Narcissistic..

Hi again - Thank you so very much for all your hel...

2012-02-15T00:05:20.967-08:00

Hi again - Thank you so very much for all your help. I do want to end the "fight" in all aspects as it's consumed enough of my self and my life.

I suppose there is a bitter sweet outcome for myself as I have to close that chapter of "what could of been or what I would of liked to have been with my lil family" & what I honestly earned for!!!

- I have accepted this is not my reality and things are far too gone now, so I now look forward to a brand new future and put all my energy into myself and my child. This is also scary as I am facing alot of truths of my former partner being a N.P as well as my role I played in the relationship as the Co-dependent.

Thank you and Steve for your support & helping me through my maze!
Kindest Regards,
(W.A Lady)

It is very hard for me to give advice as this was ...

2012-02-14T23:06:02.878-08:00

It is very hard for me to give advice as this was not my situation. It IS however precisely why we give the advice that we do.

I suggest that you look at the last chapter of Back From the Looking Glass and try and get some ideas from our advice about leaving. It is too late to try and get his respect - what you want now is for him to forget about the fight. Let him feel his ego has won and he will move on. Say you were wrong and you miss him while also saying that you have a bad case of the runs and need looking after. Say whatever you need to to make him lose interest in proving himself right and you wrong.

In the meantime work through the advice I gave when you emailed me and get yourself in the strongest position you can.

This is a dangerous game and scary I know but you cannot keep wringing your hands now saying to yourself "What can I do?" You need to make a strategy and you need to play to win. If that means letting him boast that he is the one that dropped you rather than you leaving him so be it. If it gets him to leave you alone in reality you have won!

Hi Kim, I have some big challenges ahead with my p...

2012-02-14T20:19:34.146-08:00

Hi Kim, I have some big challenges ahead with my personal situation with my professional Narcissts. Are you able to give me any tips of advice as I have not been able to travel the same path as yourself and gain such a order and remain in the family home. So as of a result I have escaped the domestic violence and did put myself and my child in some harm and danger. I have discussed my situations of abuse experienced to local W.A. magistrates and lawyers. The advise you get which you were told which is to remove yourself and have no contact and place V.R.o's on if your feeling unsafe etc. I have been through that process and I found it was really a double edged sword as I got away from the physicall abuse and it was limited whilst the V.R.o was on however he utilises the family court orders and arrangements to continue the abuse or do it in other ways at handovers of our child or abuse me in communication books and on social media sites. This is very tiring and is ongoing and he has had numerous female partners or girlfriends who he is also dragging into his antics to hurt and abuse me.

1) Are there any ways I have not thought of or figured out to stop this abuse as I am separated from him now the evidence I have recently given to a local magistrate wasn't sufficient in his eyes to be enough for a immediate order to protect me.

2) Lawyers only advise is to change locations of drop off of our child so there is no face to face contact and therefore family abuse occuring... so the relationship once again is ceased totally.

3) I am finding it almost impossible to have a balance of a mature respectful relationship with my former partner as he shows no respect for me what so ever and has taken no care or responsibility of past actions of abuse towards me as he was never charged for them but there was enough evidence for a final v.r.o but that was all that occured. I am afraid he is back to testing boundaries and hurting me solely as he must enjoy it and knows how to play and manipulate both the criminal and family court legal systems.

Any ideas for women in my situation who didn't have the opportunity or the courts support to remain in the family home and be safe. I feel as though separated women who have left the N.P. partner are never free from the abuse and I am starting to think I will have this for a very long time unless I change something and my life turns around for the better.

Kindest Regards & Respect,
(W.A Lady)

In NSW you can apply for an AVO that still allows ...

2012-02-09T13:36:32.650-08:00

In NSW you can apply for an AVO that still allows the person to live with you. Personally I think that is usually the best solution - but it is obviously case by case. If you read through my story in Back From the Looking Glass you will read a lot of details on this very subject. I think you should read up on that and ask if this same type of arrangement is available in your area if that is what you choose to do.

Kim Cooper
www.NarcissismCured.com

Hi Kim, I do have a few challenging question whic...

2012-02-09T01:29:25.148-08:00

Hi Kim,
I do have a few challenging question which I hope you don't mind me asking you?
1) Do you think the only answer for reoccuring abuse and disrespect after separation is too keep filling V.R.o's? - In W.A. the laws are place one on your partner or ex and leave and simply avoid contact and communication as much as possible even if family court orders exist.

2) Lawyers also advise to not have contact to prevent the abuse & likelihood of more family domestic incidents. Are there any other suggestions or avenues to stop the abuse and have strong boundaries and penalties in place if it keeps occuring but still maintain communication?? - I canno't find the solution and right balance it seems and the W.A. laws regarding the magistrate and family law courts do not seem to encourage families staying in a home where domestic violence occurs they seem to think the only option is to separate.

Any ideas I know it is very complex, and different to your personal situation and state laws allowed yourself to have orders in place and remain in the home, where as W.A. you are given a black and white approach to handle this situation.

KIndest Regards

Hi there, I will go over the workbook again and ag...

2012-02-06T23:54:28.039-08:00

Hi there, I will go over the workbook again and again to help myself and my ongoing issues regarding my former partners N.P.D & and at times my co-dependence lol!! I have had to make a decision to go to my local court and have finally gained respect of some people in the right fields to also help me tackle the issue of ongoing abuse and domestic violence. I am very greatful as it was really starting to destroy me & affect my health and work plans, ability to mother and I want a brighter life for my girl and myself & am determined to achieve this and get stronger. I am very greatful for your ongoing support which has helped me through my ordeal and at times I wish my former partner would simply stop and see what I have been truly wanted to achieve and aim for respectful relationships. Thank you both for your help & if you ever come to W.A. for seminars on Domestic Violence I would support you both 100 percent, as this is a massive issue in all areas which so many people are living with. I am very interested in supporting others walking this path and have supported my local womens refuge and white ribbon organisation. I have purchased a copy of your new book which I can't wait to have a look at with the snazy cover & will promote to others needing support and help. x0

Hi W.A. Lady, The problems you are outlining are...

2012-02-02T19:21:22.586-08:00

Hi W.A. Lady,

The problems you are outlining are exactly why the Love Safety net Workbook is laid out the way it is. The exercises included in the four pillars make sure you are taking a balanced approach to the changes you need to make and the last exercise tracks those changes so you can easily go back and see which areas need work (and haven't been given enough attention) if things start to slide backwards. The reason this is important is that people will usually tackle the areas that are easiest and the most comfortable to them first but it is the steps that are the hardest that will usually cause the biggest changes for the better.

Our program focuses more on strengthening yourself...

2012-02-02T19:13:31.741-08:00

Our program focuses more on strengthening yourself and overcoming your codependence rather than trying to make your partner aware of anything. None of it could be classified as research on NPD and puts just as much emphasis (if not more) on codependence rather than NPD.

Learning to effectively stand up for yourself without being emotionally manipulative WILL change the dynamic in your marriage. This means that you partner will not be able to comfortably continue in their old patterns. This may mean that they begin to follow your lead and change too or it may mean that the relationship ends. Either way will find you in a much better situation.

Hi Anon, The abuse was the problem yes - but I w...

2012-02-02T18:55:33.434-08:00

Hi Anon,

The abuse was the problem yes - but I would not underestimate the problem with the gaming. It is the fantasy world that he hides in and it is very good that he is seeing that it needs to go. Whether that is true or not only time will tell - but he will certainly need a lot of help and time adjusting to the real world or life and responsibilities.

As for the terms of your order that would be impossible for me to judge from here. I Back from the Looking Glass I outline what conditions I placed on Steve.

The most important thing is that you work on your own ability to use emotional intelligence and also set solid boundaries. The exercises in The Love Safety Net Workbook will not only out line what is needed step by step but it will also help you chart your progress.

It seems to me that having the NPD partner reach t...

2012-02-02T14:03:49.962-08:00

It seems to me that having the NPD partner reach the point of awareness (of having NPD) is a huge turning point in treating it. However the nature of NPD makes it quite hard to attain that milestone. The NPD individual typically seems to be in denial about having issues that require treatment and I have read many horror stories about them becoming completely enraged when discovering their partner's research into NPD. I fear that approach might be dangerous, are there other strategies to consider?
What an ugly complicated and frustrating illness, it seems it cannot be addressed head on but rather must be dealt with indirectly. Much of my effort goes into just staying on course and trying to avoid falling prey to feelings of frustration, anger and resentment. Before finding this site, the only advice I could find was "run away as fast as you can" It was hopeless and heartbreaking.
Thanks for showing us that a positive alternative exists.

Hi Kim, Firstly I would like to say thank you to y...

2012-02-01T21:38:45.829-08:00

Hi Kim,
Firstly I would like to say thank you to yourself and Steve for setting up some useful and real resources that people can use to help them in crisis situations. I am needing your books by my side to flick to and use regularly and be implanted in my brain.
I am on a very tricky path at the moment and have had too make another gut wrenching decison of applying for another vro against my former partner to stop his abuse against me. I thought he may have learnt my boundaries after nearly 2 years of one being on him however his old patterns of behaviour and mis treatment are returning and I think if he placed more energy into positive traits then negative dark ones we would both get along alot better. Many issues have sparked his abuse off again and I do end up worrying how far it will go and go into protection mode as I walked that path few years ago and wasn't a happy time. Do you think I am doing the right thing again as it is a tricky one when all the support services I have accessed in my W.A. town say this is all you can do and limit contact etc.... However then there is more abuse and power struggles that are emphasised throughout the family court and other systems which follow after separation. I wish there were better support services too help with this issue as domestic violence is in every town and needs too be spoken more about and the number of families which are destroyed is frightning. I believe their are court systems in W.A. which deal with assualts and domestic violence but this is not one I have accessed and had my hearings at. I believe that this court helps the perpetrator deal with anger, drug problems etc however they have to be honest with themselves and admit their crime and faults. My former partner is not at this stage so this is why is
t's so hard for me he continually projects blame, lies and pays high powered lawyers too get off crimes. So the cycle is never broken and Narcissts keeps being that way and never has too change!! -

I am finding there is no real support with lawyers in the family court they fogg you off when it comes to domestic violence and it gets minimised and they tell you just to be a separated, co-parent and the abuse continues for years!!

Any ideas on what too do next too survive my path and 2012's challenges?

Kindest Regards & Respect,
(W.A. Lady)

2012-02-01T15:26:41.644-08:00

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Thank you for replying to my cry for understanding...

2012-02-01T12:38:51.850-08:00

Thank you for replying to my cry for understanding. I have been holding my head up, which hasn't been easy. But it is alot easier than the torment he put me through for the 7 years. I am at peace but still suffer when I think of his behaviour and disrespect for me. You two are like angels helping distraught people like me. I bought your books along time ago and they gave me strength to be where I am today (single and recovering)as he didn't want to change his ways. xx

Steve - What courage you have to talk about what y...

2012-01-31T21:21:04.316-08:00

Steve - What courage you have to talk about what you have been through! I know you were nervous about it, but you have such a unique and valuable perspective to offer, I hope you will continue to share.

I think the NPD male thinks that a real man puts a woman "in her place." A real man is a protector and knows his wife's place is on a pedastel.

Kim - I also commend your courage and strength in helping Steve to become the man he is today.

That is simple - it is because he feels guilty and...

2012-01-31T16:45:19.674-08:00

That is simple - it is because he feels guilty and embarrassed about what he is doing and so he needs to puff himself (at your expense) to his friends.

Carry yourself well and hold your head high and don't be frightened to show the people in your community that you are a beautiful women who respects herself.

His behavior with this other women will shout a lot louder to the people around him than his words. Even the worst men know that men who behave like that are making asses of themselves.

Even before Steve got better he used to say to me - "If I run off with a young bimbo when I go through mid life crises - please take me out and shoot me to put me out of my misery".

Steve was assessed by a number of professional aro...

2012-01-31T16:38:00.618-08:00

Steve was assessed by a number of professional around us at that time as having NPD. The man you see now in this video is a totally different person than he was back then.

The really important thing you need to understand (and you should see this in our ebooks?) is that the changes we recommend are things for YOU to do not him.

For instance if he makes negative and sarcastic remarks you need to spend some time thinking of and rehearsing better come back lines that put him in his place (while ending the conversation) and then you need to get on with your own stuff.

Putting pressure on him to change only puts power in his hands. Instead you need to rise above his negativity and take charge.

This will take power away from his bad behavior.

The chapter on Limiting abuse in the Love Safety net Workbook may help you see the shift I am talking about. So will reading more of the articles on this blog.

You focusing on degrees of NPD and describing him as being a true NPD and saying you are grieving the loss of a compatible relationship gives me the impression that you are also giving too much energy to this disorder and in the process disempowering yourself.

Your husband may change or he may not but the steps in Back from the Looking Glass and the exercises in The Love Safety Net Workbook will help you find the security and love you are craving with or without him.

I had no guide to follow and only exerts saying I was stupid to believe I could help Steve and still I determined that our life together was going to change no matter what he had to say about it!

I only mention this because this kind of determination is really important if you expect to change life long habits in yourself.

Or you may be grieving because you are feeling it's too hard and you don't really care enough anymore to make the effort and you should know that it is okay for you to say that!

Wanting a good relationship is not the same as wanting to have a good relationship with him.

Again I think you would give yourself a lot more credit and it would be more empowering for you to admit that you are having your doubts and maybe it is time to call it quits - rather than needing to make him out to be a hopeless case and in this way putting all the responsibility for that decision on him.

Your love is something special and also powerful and you have the right to decide who you wish to share it with.

After being in a really bad relationship for 7 yea...

2012-01-31T12:45:56.426-08:00

After being in a really bad relationship for 7 years my partner left me for a woman 28 years younger than me (I am 56) He sent me disgusting text messages for the first 2 months (we have been split up for 4 months.) However he is still bad mouthing me to male mutual friends (He says he is happy he left as I had a disgusting body etc.) I haven't seen him since he left but would like you to help me to understand why he is still saying these bad words. ps you guys have helped me enormously x

So I watched the video and I have several of the e...

2012-01-31T10:09:10.140-08:00

So I watched the video and I have several of the e books but my question remains: was Steve diagnosed with NPD or just exhibiting narcissistic traits? He appears to have understanding, empathy and the ability to offer emotional support. I shared this video with my spouse hoping he could relate to some part of Steve's story especially when he talked about being raised in a family where there was no trust and how that caused problems in his relationships. My spouse stated how does any of this relate to me? Actually his statement is reflective of a true NPD. Sure wish I knew how to break through but my spouse thinks and talks and focuses only on himself. I unfortunately am still grieving the loss of a compatible relationship. He made some changes before getting me back in 2010 but 3 months into the marriage each slowly slipped away. He says he wants to work things out and willing to make the physical changes but the sarcastic negative remarks are still there which he then denies or says I took it the wrong way and I really don't know what he is thinking. That is true because he doesn't say what he means.

Oh and by the way...he currently is claiming that ...

2012-01-31T05:45:11.378-08:00

Oh and by the way...he currently is claiming that he will not touch a video game ever again, and that he has no desire to ever play again. This really concerns me because no one is addressing all of the drives that cause him to want to play for hours on end in the first place. Also, he is putting way too much emphasis on the games. I keep telling his mom that I had to call the police because of the abuse, not because of excessive gaming!

I can allow more contact, but ask for supervised v...

2012-01-31T05:41:59.489-08:00

I can allow more contact, but ask for supervised visitation of the kids and not have him come to the house for up to two years. How do I know if he is "ready" for more contact? I guess I always doubt in my own mind what is reasonable for me to ask of him and what is not. How can I "parent" him, if we are not together physically? Also, there is a class theat I do believe will help him and he says that he will go, but it starts in augest and is 26 weeks long and in another state a few hours away. I have trouble envisioning him following through with this. I guess what I am asking of you is guidance and reassurance. I feel so lost and no one will help me set boundaries or even discuss boundaries with me at this point. Everyone's answer is get over him, leave him alone, and move on with your life. I feel I have to set boundaries to know that I tried my best in the end. I just don't know which ones are reasonable. And at what stage do I know that it is ok to let him come home?