Comments on Narcissism Daily Mirror: Why You Can't Trust Your Relationship Instincts

hi Kimco, my wife has left, and it has been about ...

2012-01-27T17:33:34.393-08:00

hi Kimco, my wife has left, and it has been about two months and she says she's not coming back, we have been together for 20 years, this happened after i found your information, i started to do some of the points, and had begun a life with friends of my own, this has caused her to say of course it is all my fault, we have been doing this all these years. i tried to get back together, but she says we don't "connect" any more, i don't love her as she needs, i have tried my best to. So i am giving up and starting a new life, we have two children and they are very hurt, but somehow i stay with them, i don't know what else to do, i need to get well, and learn to be loved!!!! thank you , for everything!!!

I have just purchase the online book Co dependency...

2012-01-25T15:44:01.710-08:00

I have just purchase the online book Co dependency and I am blown away by this. This makes sense and now I have to build my inner self again and this will be challenging but rewarding. Now I understand the dance between Narcissism and Co dependency which can be quite toxic. Above all now I understand the strain it has on both parties and our friends.
I can't thank you enough for this and this may save me a bit of money with the psychology sessions. I think V (his name, I will not refer him as Narc again) will appreciate this more and our friends. But furthermore I will get the most out of this.
Again thank you. I will keep you posted to where i am at these days. My name is not SOS but I will use 303 for now on.

x

Focusing on ourself and our own goals is what make...

2012-01-25T14:45:48.947-08:00

Focusing on ourself and our own goals is what makes us stable and attractive. I know when you are feeling rejected it is easy to feel that you are drowning and that you need to grasp at something that will bring him back - but really now is the time when you most need to find your inner stability and get focused again on taking care of yourself and working on your own goals. I know that is tough and that you will need to dig really deep to find that place of inner calm -- but that always needs to start from you.

I am curious when you say self respect is attracti...

2012-01-25T00:27:14.984-08:00

I am curious when you say self respect is attractive in what way? i do suffer from co dependancey by the way thank you for your advice so far much appreciate it.
But in your reply you are saying it has to start with me? I paint but I have lost the art of it at the moment I feel lost in the motion with all this. Narc has always says get back into painting.

I highly recommend you check out my ebook 10 Steps...

2012-01-24T22:08:05.989-08:00

I highly recommend you check out my ebook 10 Steps to Overcome Codependence.

I know it is hard to stay grounded when someone yo...

2012-01-24T22:04:23.028-08:00

I know it is hard to stay grounded when someone you love has shut you out, but this really is the challenge you face now. I don't know if you have purchased our ebooks yet but you really are going to need them (you may wear out the first copy and have to print another just from referring to it!) .

You cannot be a stabilizing influence if you are not grounded.

Take some time out for yourself and do something that brings you back to your center. I know American Indian flute music sometimes helps me.

Kim Cooper
www.NarcissismCured.com

Part 2 But lately he has shut down and wont allow...

2012-01-24T20:42:11.515-08:00

Part 2
But lately he has shut down and wont allow me into his world and when I do it is verbal abuse from all direction. I am more than happy to stand by him during his Interferon treatment and it is not going to be an easy ride in the park. I know that he will turn to me once this is on the road. At this stage he is milking other sources and using his facebook as his how many likes and comment can I get and how good am I? I see right through that and him. Funny when he starts posting on certain people facebook that I do not like or think it is good for him, all because I stood up to myself and said calmly you need to calm down and take stock while he was having an outburst at the restaurant. I got up and said calmly I think it is time that I went and apologise to the waiter and left. It was the first time I have spoken calmly and stood up for myself. I think that shocks him that I will not conform to his way of thinking.To me I think he knows that at the end of the day despite everything I will stand by him thick and thin in the flesh. At the end of the day we need to compromised as I am human too and have needs and desires. I was shocked when he started making plans with out me to head overseas, this is during his Hep C and Interferon treatment. You cannot up and leave during this treatment. At this stage my patience is running out and I need new strategies to cope and work with. Yes you are right respect and self respect is the number one thing at the moment. I need to love myself first in order to give love to others. I have told my Narc that I have my operation to think about and that comes first in the next few weeks. Funny my narc has wiped out his schedule and created a special google event for this operation so he could attend and take me etc. I do not have the heart to tell him no as he has never done this to anyone before. With everything that is going on at the moment I know he is scared and scared of the outcome. Kimco I need to obtain other strategies and from everyone else how to communicate without him blowing up and blaming me for everything. With Narc it is baby steps and after a few years I need those baby steps to become children step and then teenage steps and last into adult steps. I don't have his mother around as she passed away 2010 and from what my Narc has told me the relationship was always fraught. His mother could not understand him or deal with him. He has always gotten his way and spoilt to a degree, he has made a lot of mistake in his life one becoming a heroin addict for 5 years and then addicted to Marijuana and lastly an alcholic. Thank god he has given up the drinking in Dec 2009 it was due to having Liver Chirrosis and Hep C, now we are staring down the barrel of life and death. Yes he is scared and so am I at the thought of losing my best friend and soul mate. So if anyone can help me it would be great. SOS flying the peace flag x

Hi ,Thank you for that and are you saying that rea...

2012-01-24T20:41:58.232-08:00

Hi ,Thank you for that and are you saying that really I should walk away from this guy? Yes you are right I need to focus on myself and the next 2 weeks. I am going to find it hard to walk away from him as we have so many mutual friends etc. The question I ask is how can I reach out to him? how can I make him believe that I am not going to walk away and abandon him? He loves and cares for me in a way but it is not fairy tale like. He has a strange way of showing love etc. I have seriously invested myself in his life and for me to walk away would not be right. But at the same token I need him to come to me as this is where I give him space and time to think. As we know when a Narc is alone they do not like to think as reality does hit them. I am going in for a minor operation to enable me to be pregnant in the future. So far I had support from him except that time when he had a total narcissistic meltdown in front of everyone. He has been arrested recently for assault and has to go to court, I now have to go to court as I was the witness etc. The hardest thing is that my Narc is hell bent on bringing the system down. I have to calm him down, at this stage I am the only one that can calm him down and deep down at times he does listen to me. At the end of the day life can be hard and he has said to me a few times that I am his calming influence in his life. I am not too sure if that is a good or bad thing. Part 1

Hi - 'How do I talk to him when he is ignoring...

2012-01-24T16:26:28.357-08:00

Hi - 'How do I talk to him when he is ignoring me?' - I am sorry that I haven't published your post -- but we don't really allow swearing on comments on this blog and I also don't publish links to counseling services I am not familiar with.

You need to really decide if it is worth it for you to take on standing by this man. I had three children to Steve and everything invested in my relationship with him and I was also not ill as you are.

You need to focus on taking care of yourself right now. You do not need him at the hospital with you - as you have learned from the last time that happened. You need to love and care for yourself now. If you cannot do that for yourself how can you expect anyone else to?

Remember a time when you were happy and felt good about yourself and decide that you want to feel that way again. Hang onto that decision and that happiness will eventually find you.

Loving and caring for yourself is about self respect and self respect is very attractive.

He might not love and care about you as he should but what about you? How you love and take care of yourself now is what really matters.

Kim Cooper
http://www.NarcissismCured.com

Hi SOS, I think you have to be very honest upfro...

2012-01-21T22:17:58.885-08:00

Hi SOS,

I think you have to be very honest upfront about whether you plan on sticking with him through this or not. I have seen interferon treatment age people tremendously. Can you talk to his psych and express your fears? It may not be in his best interest (if this is only preventative) for this treatment plan to proceed, especially if the stress of it means he will lose your support through the journey. I am not implying that you have any responsibility to stand by him through this - only that I do think you have a responsibility to be honest. No one is at there best facing the kind of fear he is probably feeling right now.

Kim Cooper
http://www.NarcissismCured.com

I am struggling with an on and off partner with hi...

2012-01-21T17:11:49.014-08:00

I am struggling with an on and off partner with his Narcissism and his anger towards me.
I don't know what to do or where to go, I'm left in an emotional state of turmoil. My Narc is about to start his Hep C treatment with Interferon and Riberveron and this compounded with his Narcissistic disorder is going to be too much for me.
To go on this program you need to see a psychiatrist and I am getting the feeling that this psych will not be able to measure up to his displays of Narcissism.
There is an empty void and that void is becoming greater as the date is coming closer to his treatment.
Reason for this is that he is not listening to me or value what I have to say, yet he say I am his closest but yet he treats me as his worse enemy.
SOS

This was exactly what I needed today! So relatable...

2011-12-22T08:29:10.826-08:00

This was exactly what I needed today! So relatable and well thought out! You are helping so many of us struggling with your words of wisdom!! Please keep doing what youre doing... And thank u thank u thank u!!! God Bless and happy holidays to you both!!

Thanks kim and steve , not too appropriate for me ...

2011-12-21T23:33:47.562-08:00

Thanks kim and steve , not too appropriate for me , but thanks anyway ! . I've now been separated from my partner now for 3 years , she doesn't provide The echo to my sentiments , you know the " I love you " . Have busted my butt working at reconciliation :(. Now I have friends that provide The echo :) , Her loss , please also be mindful of extroverted people they are show offs and like a bit of public love , not too much to ask in my opinion , we all have the god given gift to love and be loved , her loss

It sounds very much like you are focusing on your ...

2011-12-19T22:02:48.822-08:00

It sounds very much like you are focusing on your mother rather than facing things that you know you need to work on in yourself.

You do not need to get away to start setting some goals for yourself and working on your gaps. A balanced approach is best anyway.

Perhaps you need to make a list of what your mother really needs help with and just stick to that. The rest of the time you need to start working on your own life and goals while refraining from blaming anyone for where you are. Where you are is where you are and it is the only place to start from. Blaming other people for you being there is just s distraction that will keep you stuck.

Starting work on new goals is always a bit scary. That is normal and you can handle that if you accept that. Looking for reassurance form others is usually counter productive anyway. I suffer from anxiety so I really have to be disciplined about that. Other people cannot help with my anxiety - it is something I have to be aware of and take time to soothe myself while not letting myself give up.

You may also enjoy my article on this site (check the index) titled identity is key.

Hang in there!

Kim Cooper
http://www.NarcissismCured.com

that helps. But the place my mother and I have rea...

2011-12-19T19:07:34.037-08:00

that helps. But the place my mother and I have reached is she feels rejected and also she feels that she does not want me to be a carer. And I do not want to be a carer and yet I want to care. An old people's home is what I think of when feelings in me flare up which are angry and unkind and I say unkind things. What seems similar to when i lived with an NPD is my flight response -- I think the situation needs to end when really I want it to be more human and to meet both our needs. But I do not know how to seek compassion and gentleness and I suspect this is because I am still seeking to be a little girl and feel looked after. Some of what gets said is so similar to what wrong with my ex that I feel sure it is me. My psychologist at that time said my partner and I were in a sado-masochistic relationship and I constantly made him feel inadequate and so he got very angry. And I think I do this to my mother by not being patient enough to empower her where she can be empowered -- she makes wonderful little objects and she loves it but I sometimes want to admire them less and have admiration instead and then blame her for my failure to make more of myself. What do you want to do she asks. I try to tell her and then feel she dispaages what I think are my goals. She says I am being very ugly when I tell her that is how I feel. She does the right thing by leaving the room and going to bed. i do the right thing by not trying to placate her and finishing off a few things I need to do. But I feel bleak inside and I feel that I should be able to operate from more compassion and create a warmerr feeling between us and achieve what the better part of me wants -- which is to give her the care she needs and yet not dispaapear into the role of caregiver. If she went to a home it would be near where my sister lives as that is near her home. So far away. My sister would not visit her much. Maybe that is the best solution. My mother is very haughty at the momment and says it is. But she is very disappointed that her strength and health do not allow her to sahre with housework etc and she is very proud and does not want to be a burden. And I am going through childish flurries that I will not cope and hence feel angerr at ehr which I visit on her when I should self sooth and do better. Sometimes I do better -- but these days things feel bleak. I have no one I could ask to give me a break for a few days. And my other would accept no one. She woud say go away and I will be fine. She would read and eat crackers.
My motherr is most definitely not an NPD but something in me is operating with the same lack of success if a harmonious loving life is what is sought.

Hi anon, It is hard to give advice from what you...

2011-12-17T14:37:57.985-08:00

Hi anon,

It is hard to give advice from what you have offered in your letter but I would highly recommend you check out 10 steps to Overcome codependence while making sure you have some very clear goals.

If your mother will not accept that you need a support network to help you care for her maybe she needs to start considering moving into an old peoples home?

I don't care how independent she is there are things a 90 year old just can't do on their own and you are not playing victim in needing her to acknowledge she cannot put the whole responsibility for her care on your shoulders.

Calling some support people may help as it is very common for older people to not want to admit they need help.

Kim Cooper
http://www.NarcissismCured.com

Maybe you can offer some advice. Even here. Becaus...

2011-12-16T14:32:09.808-08:00

Maybe you can offer some advice. Even here. Because i seem to be stumbling on old rocks --. I have separated from my partner. he is actually supportive and kind at the moment but not living with me. But a lot of circumstances have conspired and so my mother is living with me. It has not been long and is because its the best financila situation tho we were both anxious. My mother and I can be very close. She is 90 and has had to come to terms with some difficult family isues and the faxcct she is still very alert but physically much more dependent than she want to be. I should be incredibly kind and gentle but am finding that I am not. I am rebellious and afraid of being co-dependent -- wanting to figure out a sipport network for her so she does not rely on me -- and it is very difficult as it is but more difficult as my mother feels she needs no one or that I am fine by myself. She is kind and considerate and often understanding but my fear of something is making our relationship very tough at moment. And I find a lot of the problems are the same ones as when my ex lived with me so it must be what I am doing. My mother in a fit of anger said to me that I was a victim and had been all my life ( a quote of my brothers when he was resenting me because I was helping my mother) -- and was my exes victim and now was hers and that was a terrible way to be and I should think about it. So I am. Clearly -- whatever I am attempting to do in this situation it is going very wrong. And I am failing to make my mother feel she is useful and that I will stand by her etc so she is reacting in a way my ex sometimes did -- . I am self soothing. I am telling myself i have to think through all these. I am aware that I need to be the adult -- I am very unsure how to make th right boundaries. Any wisdoM?

Ha ha ha - Yes I agree! Unfortunately we don't...

2011-12-15T13:25:38.630-08:00

Ha ha ha - Yes I agree! Unfortunately we don't have a ton of time to give free shows (this one took a couple of days to film and get out as it is even without editing). So I hope you can be a little patient and persevere as the message is really a very important one if somewhat controversial!

Kim Cooper
www.NarcissismCured.com

Sorry guys but after a few minutes of the chocolat...

2011-12-15T06:02:53.485-08:00

Sorry guys but after a few minutes of the chocolate cake 'example', I'd completely forgotten and/or lost interest in the supposed topic at hand. A bit of editing here. No offence intended