How Do I Tell My Partner and Friends About Narcissism?

This is the most common question we get asked, along with "Which ebooks are right for me?", and so I hope today I have finally come up with an answer that might help ...

This website is all about love and has a short survey that will give you personal recommendations for your situation. It also promotes our ebooks and audio recordings which don't deal directly with narcissism.

On this site instead of talking about narcissism or NPD I talk about pride being the game destroyer when it comes to love.

I hope you like the work we have done on this and you will want to share it with your partner and friends ...

If you want to share this with your partner you might say "Hey, I am game to face my pride and try this how about you?" Then if they take that challenge, you might even be able to start working through our material together.

I would however leave them to look over the books the survey will recommend for them all by themselves first.

If you try this and your partner says something dismissive and that our program won't work - you could come back and say, "Well suit yourself, but I want to give it a try and besides it's a lot cheaper and easier than marriage counseling!"

You must remember however that if the person you love does drop their pride - it doesn't mean they are going to know what to do after that. It is easy to think that our partner knows how to take care of us, but the truth is they often don't even know how to take care of themselves!

Some people talk about narcissism like it is a black heart inside a person that cannot change. I see it the opposite however - like a black hard shell on the outside that won't let anything in and once that shell comes off you don't know what is inside.

Whatever it is I know that when the shell comes down the person will feel very vulnerable.

Some people like Steve have had that shell come down and just need some time, space and protection to put things together better and get back on their feet.

Other people however have a different ending.

Sometimes the person won't let down their guard and instead they will just run when you start making changes. Or sometimes the person under the shell is fairly competent and get's things sorted out pretty quick. Other times however the shell comes down and inside the person may even be suffering from schizophrenia or schizoid personality type and be extremely vulnerable - and the narcissism was just a defense.

I have seen this twice now, both times with guys who were real macho tough guys who acted like gangsters, but when the shell came down it became obvious that they really were incredibly vulnerable and unwell and needed a lot of protection and care. In both of these cases however the person and their partner were much better off that the shell did come down and they could get help.

Your partner may or may not want to face their pride - but either way they will be scared and you need to understand this.

It is important that you stand up for yourself and not let someone abuse you - but that is different than you expecting them to help you in ways that maybe they just can't. That is why you need to do the work and get strong yourself.

Okay so I look forward to hearing what you think of this newly designed site.

Just like diet and exercise are good for anyone's health -- our training will help anyone struggling with love. This is not just about narcissism - it is about good habits for a person's love life and general mental health.

Kim Cooper

PS. This site does not promote Back From the Looking Glass which is the book you need if you are dealing with long term abuse in your home.  You can purchase Back From the Looking Glass on the right hand side panel on the site you are on now!


  1. Kim, this is excellent. The word picture of the shell being on the outside is paradigm altering. It is so difficult in the heat of the struggle to not think of the other person as evil-hearted. This is a simple way to keep it clear in one's own mind that the evil has entrapped the person and what is inside is a mystery. He/she needs help getting out!
    As always, well done.

    1. My wife says that i am a narcissist. All because of my website if anyone can help me convince her she is wrong or convince me that i need help i would really appreciate it

    2. Hi Tom - I had a look at your site and it seems half joking and half serious? It looks to me that perhaps you are more of a clown than a narcissist? People with NPD are usually 2 faced and try and put out an image of being perfect rather than saying "Hey look at me I am a lazy no good narcissist!".

      I didn't give you site that much time but behind the joking I felt that you are pretty angry about something. I don't really know if anyone can help you here but for what it is worth I would suggest maybe you think about this ...

      The world can be a cruel and unjust place full of sham and unwarranted discrimination. Despite this still there is love and still there is beauty and still, if only for our own development there are things worth striving for.

      There will always be reasons not to love a person if you look for them - but I dare you to love anyway. Not because people are perfect or because they love you - but simply because of your own decision to it and because it feels good.

      You can love and you can forgive and you can decide to take pride in yourself - not because the world or anyone in it deserves that - but simply because you will finally be free then and the bad in the world will no longer be able to hurt you so bad as it once did.

  2. THANK YOU, Kim!! I have been trying to figure out how to discuss this HUGE issue with my husband...and you've finally found the perfect way! I have avoided telling him I believe he has NPD...but I have mentioned/and he agreed with me when I said I believe we both have unhealthy tendencies (his=pride/lack of empathy & mine=codependent tendencies). I appreciate you putting this in a format that he can read. He will admit to being prideful, so I believe this is a good start for him to read this new format/page with me!
    Thanks again! You are such an encouragement to me! I thought our marriage had absolutely no chance of survival, but you have given me some hope that maybe we will be able to work together towards a strong/loving/committed marriage, and keep our 3 children in a loving family forever!

  3. This helps me so much-I have strengthened myself quite a lot, and feel much better about my leverage in the relationship and my ability to stand up for myself, but my husband has run away, and does not want to communicate. I do not know where it is heading, and I am working to be more comfortable in the unknown. I can only change myself. Thank you so much.

  4. Ingenious, Kim! Keep up the good work!

  5. Hi Kim, No it was not I who made that request. I read about the lightening bolt theory! Have you ever heard of Kent Hovind. His ministry is creation/evolution. He discusses that the flood moved rapidly washing away the ground causing the Grand Canyon. His take on the Mt.St.Helens is interesting. I appreciate you and your husband. Iam waiting patiently to purchase material. What a storehouse of information you have. You must be your fathers daughter!......

    1. Thanks for the suggestion - I will take a look at Kent's work. I am glad you enjoyed the article!

  6. Thank You for this information it is so needed! Can't wait to read more.

  7. Thank you so much for this discussion. I am happy to share that since practicing the techniques learned here and on the 'Love Safety Net' work book, my relationship with my husband has been ABUSE FREE for almost ONE YEAR!! We adore each other and thrive in each others' company. I feel that I have so many of the answers now to create a sucessful relationship and am very skilled in EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENGE. I find myself wanting to help others (if they come to me of course) in sharing the skills that I have learned, (a couple of good friends found out thier husbands have been having affairs). I dont want to seem like a judgemental know it all, but I just think these new skills of mine have helped change MY relationship for the better. I just give them a link to your website and allow them to explore it for themselves.

    So although the abuse has ended, we are close but lack intamacy badly, we hardly ever have sex! I have always had issues regarding my sexuality and now my issues have drug him down. From watching your clip I know we have to stop the "cute" name calling. We often call each other names (that are funny and strange that no one else would understand) and tease each other but I know this isn't helping our intamacy at all. Any advice? I know that sex is so important for our relationship to survive/thrive, attachment. I have so many issues regarding sex that I don't even now where to start.
    Thank you for all you and Steve do!! You have helped change my life for the better!

    1. That's wonderful news and thank you so much for sharing! Hopefully I will be releasing a ebook soon about sex - but in the meantime why don't you and your husband try blindfolding each other? It is a great game for intimacy and building rapport and trust while also being sensuous and fun.

      Since you have worked through our program so successfully I would also be happy if you help answer people's questions here! I never keep up with them all and I will also see your responses before I approve them.

      Thanks again for sharing your success!

  8. Hi kim and steve
    This is a great post! I really appreciate your perspective - of a shell not letting
    Anything in. I've been coming to terms with my mother's narcissism and seeing narcissistic
    Patterns in our family. I am codependent but also aware I can pass down narcissistic traits to
    My kids. I also thought that people who struggle with this are fragmented and try to protect
    With narcissism. Thanks for your dedication. I really enjoyed your recent youtube video. Made
    Me cry! By the way it wasn't me who asked this question. Barbara

  9. Hello Kim & Steve,

    I am encouraged but at the same time heavy-hearted. Truly, everything I've read outside of your site and everything
    I've heard from therapists confirms that Narcissistic Personality Disorder is incurable - that the person with NPD has no hope - he/she is lost forever. Now, I do believe that someone with narcissistic characteristics can learn and change but again, I simply find no evidence that that is the case for someone with true NPD. Was Steve actually diagnosed with NPD and
    if so, what were his symptoms? Did he truly not care for you? Did he truly only do things to make it appear that he cared and to serve himself? My husband actually left me a month ago and moved across the country into his own place because I started to address some of the issues - lack of accountability and responsibility, workaholism (often times working 20 hours/day 7 days per week - seriously!), etc., telling me he had to leave to "save the marriage" and then days later telling me he wanted a divorce. This has thrown me into clinical depression (Adjustment Disorder, they call it) and has hurt our family more than I can express.

    1. The answer to all of your questions is yes. As for Steve's symptoms you can read all about that on our site at - If your husband has already left, the process we recommend will be harder - but for starters I would certainly be finding out more about why he really moved! A little discreet investigation work will do wonders to get you out of the dark and may also give you some leverage if you keep that info to yourself just for now.

      If you bought every ebook we offer as downloads it would still cost you less than the average price for one counseling session. I can tell you honestly that the information I offer turned our married around and I can also tell you honestly that we receive testimonials from other couples every day who say the same.

      We also get a lot of people who say their partner didn't change but following our steps has left them in a much better situation.

      The argument of whether NPD is incurable or not is something I don't see a lot of benefit debating.

      Is this a tough problem? Yes - That is why we feel what we offer is probably the best value opportunity you will ever come across. I watched my parents go through a year's marriage counseling and then an expensive divorce without resolving the conflict, and for myself I had to spend countless hours research and trial and error to come up with the ideas I offer now that worked for me and have also worked for so many other couples.

      Are the steps we offer easy? No - They are simple but not easy. You will need all the info in front of you and you will probably need to refer back to it many times a day in the beginning.

      I feel for the situation you are in. Steve hadn't left us yet but when I first got wise to what was going on I discovered he was planning to and that alone hurt me very much.

    2. Thanks for sharing, Kim. Although my husband left, I found he is still receptive and open to reconciliation. No divorce has been filed. Sounds to me though like most of the work will truly be on my shoulders because a narcissist doesn't believe he has a problem! Truly, thanks again; I do appreciate your response. This stuff certainly isn't for the faint of heart!!!

  10. I just stumbled across this website today searching endlessly for answers! I am almost certain my boyfriend/fiance has NPD and I am not in a place yet where I want to leave. I really want to try to make this work. Just as many others have said, everything I read tells me to GET OUT and RUN AS FAST AS I CAN! Is that really the only answer here? It makes it sound like these people are monsters that can never get help from some nasty disease. I want to know that this can be overcome or at lease find ways to have a fulfilling relationship with him. I am never one to give up (though I have tried many times just like so many other people who love narcissists). So I was relieved to see there is some hope and maybe some direction. What I am unclear on is how I am to broach the topic with him. I just don't think he'll take it very well if I send him some article that describes his behaviors and then says he's got a psychological and personality disorder. He will likely lash out and shut me out. I am a bit lost as to where to begin to get help. Can someone please point me in the right direction?

  11. I need help - more specifically, my ex-wife (who I love dearly, and never wanted to divorce), needs help.

    We started as friends for 2-3 years, and were married for 3 years. I was injured at work 10 months prior to our marriage, and she had been off work for 18 months prior to our marriage. Everything was great until one day she confronted me with messages on my cell phone. These turned out to be the one-line,pre-programmed messages like "When is the meeting" or "I'm running late." This turned into "who are you texting," and even after calling my provider, handing her the phone to let them explain I'm not doing what she thought, I still caught hell for it. Since that time, I was called a narcissist on a weekly basis, all the while she would talk only about herself, and any time I attempted to subtly talk about 'us,' she deflected it in such a way that I was again the narcissist. "It's all about you!" was one in a long list of catch-phrases without any merit.

    I have tried everything during our marriage to let her know I love her, support her, and would do anything for her. She, on the other hand says I am doing the opposite, and any time I bring a valid point, she deflects and spins it to be my fault. She has been abusive, both verbally and physically. Yet she is first to say I am the one who is.

    I know what this sounds like to you. I am not interested in being in an abusive relationship. What I really want to know is: is there any hope of her realizing that she has become this nasty person, and not the friend, wife, and loving woman I married? I know she's still in there somewhere, but my perception is that for her, it's easier to deflect than it is to admit she's wrong.

    Again, she is the most loving woman I have ever met. She is older than me by 15 years, has been married twice before, and all indications are she's pulled this prior. I have never been married, and only want her to realize love was right in front of her the whole time, but she refused to see it. Is there anything I can do? I am more than willing to write her off, but I do love her still and if there is some way to get her to see what she is doing to sabotage her marriage, I would appreciate it.

    Thank you for your time, and I apologize if this is scattered.

    1. Start here ...

      or you could lie and tell her you want to work on your narcissism and will she do the exercises in The Love Safety Net Workbook with you.

      You will get so much out of this for your love life in the future - even if she does not change.

    2. Hi,
      Please excuse my choice of words since I am mostly french speaking. My mother is exactly like your wife bt she is 14 years younger than him. They have been married for 30 years and nothing has changed, only gotten worst. Whenever me or my dad would try to stand up for ourselves we were just called ungrateful. I am so sad to see my father now 82 enduring this sh..t for the last few years of life he has left. She reminds him everyday that he is old and that he needs her to live. The thing is she is the one afraid of loosing him. She pushes his limits but constantly keeps him down by saying he is the manipulating one. Twisting thing around and saying she is the one who suffers the most and she is the loving and sweet one. I wish my father had left her because that is the only way I think he would have been sure she really cared for him. PLEASE do not keep this inside anymore and find the courage to confront her. Years go by very quickly and You only have one life to live and everyone deserves happiness.


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