Does Your Partners Mind Often Appear Elsewhere?

People with narcissistic tendencies are obsessed with the fantasy of an ideal and perfect relationship, while being skilled liars, so if your partner has these symptoms of this disorder you should be aware that he/she may have secret crushes or be having affairs, using pornography and/or conducting ‘cyber’ affairs (all the while lying that they are single) and all without your knowledge. If their mind often appears elsewhere (and they show other symptoms of this disorder) you should be aware this may be the reason.

“Obsession with real or fantasy love interests 
is part of what makes a person with narcissistic tendencies  
unavailable, impatient and angry.
I didn’t want to believe this until the evidence was right in front of me 
and then I was shattered ...”

If you have codependent tendencies this behavior will be extremely confusing and hurtful to live with. You probably grew up working hard to please people (believing this was love). So a person who once loved you, but now flirts with others, while trying to paint you as their enemy, will cause you an incredible amount of confusion and emotional pain.

Drugs Are Not the Answer

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a disorder and not a disease and drugs are not the answer. If you are on medication (that you decide you want to stop) please get professional advice as withdrawal symptoms can be dangerous. You’re usually better to decrease the dose very gradually over time.

There are no drugs to treat 
Narcissism or Codependence

Back when Steve and I were fighting I was prescribed an anti depressant but was extremely lucky that I found better advice and weaned myself off this drug (which also killed my libido). 

  “Steve’s ‘bad side’ flourished while I was on this drug 

which turned me into a zombie that his bad behavior
could run circles around.” 



Click here to continue reading this article >>> 




31 comments:

  1. I am not the victim, I am the mother n law. I have a wonderful
    daughter (this opinion from all who knows her, not just a prejudice mom).
    Married to a wonderful young man, both age 23.

    They have an 23 month old girl, 9 month boy, and recently learned due
    again in May. They are planning at least 5 kids. She graduated with a degree in elementary Ed and had her son the next day. During school, she kept
    Excellent grades, took wonderful care of the 2 yr old arranged family care during class for her, while also packing husbands lunches for work..
    Which wasn't chinsy.. Homeade meatloaf, chicken,. Etc!

    She has decided not to pursue a career in teaching, but to homeschool her own. (the 2 yr old is already exceptional!!)

    And now,. I searched the web! He consistently treats her in many ways that define the narcissist! I've never heard of this!

    She is also visually impaired. She doesn't see detail very well. One example.. Recently she failed to rinse and refill the 2 yr olds sippy cup, it held milk for a few hours. His (retired military) father made negative comments. "After" they left, he told her,"I better never see that cup look like that again!" Sadly, he was there all day as well! HE could've checked it too!

    After hearing some of your words, I feel, he took his fathers negative remarks personal and shifted the blame to her! Always trying to achieve in front of his dad!
    He has done other things and made degrading comments before talking to her as if she is a child!! But when I try to talk to her,.. She accepts fault and makes excuses for him!!! He does not physically abuse,. I can see he loves her! His mannerism in public is awesome. But, I'm afraid of where this could lead! On top of everything, he is a police officer. A good one.

    My pastors wife says only SHE can change things! If she accepts his actions and reactions there is nothing we can do! Hearing your words, I believe this! I'm going to get your books!! But how can I make her see??
    Convincing her seems almost as impossible as trying to reach him!

    My plan is to save your videos to my favorites, and show her your introduction letter to me. Maybe even some of your videos.

    Please,. Do you think this will open her eyes??

    Again I wonder,. Are you really Kim?

    Thank you for your time! God Bless!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi - Yes I am really Kim! No one else writes for me here and I will be setting up some discussions on G+ soon too.

    Your daughter doesn't want to rock the boat and sounds like she is perhaps afraid of not seeming perfect. Please read our books and take your time coming up with a plan. There are many narcissistic policemen and it does make things much more complicated. The most important thing is that you get better prepared and be ready to be on side if and when she does decide she needs you. Say you discover that he is cheating on her - then make sure you get someone help you to get photos and evidence and be very cautious about who you disclose these to. Move quietly and don't talk to anyone yet while you read our books and do some fact finding. Don't attract any attention to yourself and be careful! You have no idea yet what you could be getting into with him and his father.

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wow! Your first sentence about my daughter was a fact! She watches her comments, actions, discipline with her children,. She strives for nothing to upset him or as you better put it,. Not rock the boat! She has also always been a true child of the Lord. She strives to be the perfect "submissive" wife.
    We lost her father and a few years later I remarried. In my second marriage I am a little more,.. I don't know how to say,. I speak up for myself!! Sometimes maybe more stern than I should. I told her once she needs a little more of my stubbornness. She quickly denied that!

    My stomach is sick inside! She's my baby! Adult yes, but always my baby! A sweet disposition! Very tender hearted, easy to cry! As a child, spanking was never necessary, words of correction always worked!

    Knowing this,. To hear him talk "down" to her as if she was a child and not his helpmeet,. To openly criticize any effort she fails in,. Knowing at work he gives 110% and at home she does it all!!..
    Knowing makes it so hard to keep my mouth shut!
    But I feel if I confront him,. I am the weak, meddlesome mother n law and he may even take it out on her, or limit her time with me!!
    And my heart tells me if I suggest him as a narcissist,. I will threaten my relationship with her!!

    Yet, I saw her tonight at a family function with his parents,. Something wasn't right. She seemed overly tired or stressed. ( She had called and encouraged me more than once to stop by) maybe just having two kids, and pregnant again,. But she didn't seem good. I will look for how to get your book. Is there one I should start with preferably in this situation?
    And is there nothing I can say to my daughter at this point? Thank u for your reply! I needed it!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. No don't say anything yet - if ever!

    Please read Back from the Looking Glass and The Chapter on Limiting the Abuse in The Love Safety Net Workbook. Words are not going to change this and it is good you are tough. A bit of quiet investigation is what is in order now. As I say you have no idea what you are up against here - so find out all that you can first. Another good clue will be to see how his mother is treated?

    I know this may sound like I am suggesting you be meddlesome but the reality is that all kinds of people out there are not what or whom they seem to be and first things first you need to find out.

    With him in the force and his father military you need to be careful however and I cannot stress this enough. You do not want word to get back to them that you are investigating them.

    If you do get caught out be ready to clearly and plainly state the truth which is you are concerned about the way he speaks to your daughter.

    This is probably going to be a tough journey and one that will take a lot of time and even cunning on your part - but it is better you know what you are dealing with. There may be much more you can do from the outside than she can from the inside anyway.

    Just find out all you can about his family for now but please be careful!

    Kim

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thank you so much! Your words make so much sense! I have been Seriously bothered by this for months! His actions seem to be worsening and her positive cheerful personality diminishing.

    I will do all you have said!,. Very cautiously! Funny, I had about a month ago began exchanging encouraging texts with his mom. She is very precious. Quiet and reserved, but precious. I send these texts to ones that are on my heart. She seemed to leap on it, more than anyone else ever does. Now, she sends them to me at times before I think of it! I had mentioned lunch sometime. We both work and have never followed thru.

    If we do, I had thought to mention my concerns. However, now I will not. I hope after I start reading I can still contact you! If you'd rather I didn't, I understand. Your life must be full!

    My husband knows my fear, and is concerned as well. He has wanted to confront the situation too, but is wise and has not. He agrees with your words and has even reiterated what you said by telling me to not mention my actions to even the pastors wife. He felt she would not agree.

    Again,.. Thank you! Your understanding words of encouragement have made me go from afraid and helpless to concerned and more focused! God bless you!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Take care and if you need to contact me you can through the help desk on our site at www.narcissismcured.com or else you can write public messages here.

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

    ReplyDelete
  7. Kim,

    I have a narcisstic wife that seems like there is no man on this planet she will not flirt with. There are a couple of guys that she always get attention from and it almost like she would rather have them than me. How should I respond when this happen? I've already read your great books but they does not help with the emabarasment of wife flirting in your face.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hi anon, I really feel for you. Please check out the limiting abuse section in the Love Safety Net Workbook. Steve used to be the same but over time all of the exercises I teach in the workbook has brought his interest back to me.

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.NarcissismCured.com

    ReplyDelete
  9. To Anon with the daughter with the husband with NPD:

    I feel so badly for you, because I have a husband with strong NPD tendencies, and it worries my parents a great deal. A little over a year ago, I took our infant son and stayed with my parents for about six days. Shortly after, I found Kim and Steve's materials and they helped me so much.

    I asked my parents to read "Back from the Looking Glass" to help me to parent him. Luckily, I have amazing parents who are willing to forgive his past actions when he shows progress.

    Prior to that, I had reached out to some of his family members because some events made them aware of his behavior. At first, it seemed great to have them on my side. However, I soon learned that their way of dealing with things was to tell me to yell at him more. As Kim will tell you, this does not work. When I tried to tell them that, they would not listen. I even sent them some of the materials and tried to explain what I was doing. It became more and more clear that they weren't listening to my point of view and saw me as weak for trying to build an attachment with him. They told me they were shunning him because of his treatment of me. When I asked them to treat him with compassion, they shunned me as well.

    This ended up having a happy ending, because this dysfunction started to make me realize why my husband didn't trust anyone. When I took his side, instead of theirs, he began to trust me and things have been much better (although we still have work to do).

    I have a couple of points to make about this. First, I would be cautious about being too open with his Mother. While she may seem precious on the surface, she has contributed to his condition. My Mother-in-law babies my husband terribly because his Father was so terrible to the family. They all make excuses for the Father of the family who has a SEVERE case of NPD. He is the worst example my husband could have as a role model, other than being a serial killer.

    Also, try not to be too critical of your son-in-law. My family has done that at times, out of concern for me. That has made my situation worse, and I have asked them to understand that he didn't have a good upbringing and to please give him some slack. He has started bonding more with them, as they are making an effort on both sides.

    The best advice I can give is to present this to your daughter with love to her and her family and to let her know you are there to help her to get through this. Don't make him the enemy, but someone who needs your help to get him to grow up in areas that he has not had to in the past.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am the anonymous mom n law,. I'm sorry I've took so long to come back here! I just found the reply from the anon to me above!! Thank you so much for sharing! I so want to handle this correctly! I live them both!! Please check back here,. I may have questions for u and Kim! :(

    I came back to say my three CDs arrived this weekend. They were actually staying a couple nights with me (a first in awhile!) I saved them to take to work and listen on my lunch hour! Starting with the Safety Net! I am praying good will come!
    Thanks Kim!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hey anon,

    Hey I am glad you came back too. Wasn't that excellent advice!

    The CD's have PDF's on them and not audio files. We are however in the process of getting the books into print which is very exciting!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I learned they weren't audio the hard way :(
    But that's ok, I just haven't had a minute to figure it out. Hopefully after work tomorrow. I will try!
    I'm assuming just load and print from my computer?

    Sorry technology can be a bit harder for me at times.
    Looking forward to them though! I will keep in touch!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Well I have not wrote anything in reply for a long time-I have most of your ebooks and I must say that the info I found very helpful but I have a problem that threatens to destroy my marriage completely.At first all the suggestions from the books really helped us(my husband and I have been married for 36 years)For most of our marriage My husband has been totally addicted to alcohol.On a site from your site I found the Seven weeks to Sobriety by Joan Mathews Larson-nutritional support for alcohol addiction.My husband listened to her video on her site and was amazed by how much it fit him,so he decided to try her program. Well it worked and we had some alcohol free monthes and I was really able to work on being loving and kind and we were enjoying each others company once more-but then he would just choose to not take the nutritional supplements and drink or sometimes drink even though he took the supplements.
    when he drinks it is usually 7+ Canadian beer per day,sometimes more to the point of being ill the next day not eating or only junk food.that isn't the worst of it though,as long as he is drinking or has a hangover I am not able to put into practice any of the good advice from the books to deal with the narcissism(And that is just about every day now!) It is to the point now that I don't even want to try anymore as he is very emotionally and mentally and verbally abusive when he has alcohol. I don't feel it would be safe to leave and I have tried the suggestions on how to get them to leave and that hasn't worked!! As nothing reaches him now,Just wondering if you might have any suggestions?? Is there anything in your books that I need to take another look at?
    Thank you for your consideration
    Sharlane

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hmmm,

    I wonder why his behavior is controlling yours to the point where you say that you cannot put any of our methods in practice? I suggest that you go back to the books and start looking at your own self soothing and goal setting and not let him have so much control over you. It sounds like he is getting a lot more attention for this behavior than he needs to!

    Hang in there!

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hi Kim,
    My narcissistic partner often pulls the silent treatment, for days on end. Currently this time is nearly three weeks. It drives me insane, and it is a constant battle to stay strong, when I feel so unloved, uncared about and ignored. He left a couple of days ago for a 5 day sporting trip, no goodbye, no nothing, and no contact at all while away. I really do feel like it's not worth it and I deserve better sometimes. I guess I need to try the self soothing techniques? Appreciate your advice. Debbie

    ReplyDelete
  16. Yes self soothing but I would also suggest that you search for our radio show "The Double Life" on Global Talk Radio and also work on the limiting abuse exercises in The Love Safety Net Workbook.

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hi Debbie,

    I know exactly what you're going through. My husband is very good at the silent treatment and it kills me. It's probably the worst thing he could do to me, the uncertainty, the horrible atmosphere, not knowing what he's thinking, switching between hating him and blaming myself - it's jsut awful. I have to say, I've been at this for quite a while and self soothing just doesn't cut it for me.

    There may be people out there who can go about their business and cheer themselves up while their partner doesn't talk to them, but I'm not one of them. I think it's not realistic, for me anyway, to expect that I can feel okay when he's creating such a tense, punishing environment. The last time my husband didn't talk to me (it was for 2 weeks, for something he did to me) I lost it completely at him at the end of 2 weeks after making a very serious attempt at self soothing and trying to ignore it. I think it really shook him up and while things were awful for a while it brought the issues to a head and since then (it's been quite a few months) he hasn't done the silent treatment again.

    I'm not saying that is a good way to go, but I think that in some way broaching it with him and letting him know that the silent treatment is not going to make anything better and that it's just going to make you feel more negative towards each other, or even saying that the atmosphere is so damaging you're going to stay with a friend for a while, whatever rings true for you is better than pretending it doesn't bother you.

    I definitely wouldn't say that it's hurting you or making you feel bad or anything along those lines - as you no doubt have experienced, they aren't good at understanding other people's feelings.

    That's my 2 cents anyway.

    MD

    ReplyDelete
  18. To anon from October 11 giving advice re involving family,

    You sound like you have some real words of wisdom about involving/dealing with families of people with NPD.

    I'd like to get your opinion if you have time.

    My N-tendency husband (for ease let's call him Fred) doesn't have a good relationship with his big family. They are loud, drink a lot, love to get together and gossip, have that whole "get over it" attitude to anyone with any problems etc. As an example, at our wedding last year his sister gave a speech calling him a "spoilt little shit".

    His older brother (let's call him James) sexually abused Fred when Fred was a child and James was an adolescent. Fred told a couple of his family members at the time but they didn't really do anything.

    For a while Fred just sort of let it go (although it always got to him and explains why he is the way he is, I think) and hung out with his family, including James. In the last few years though and after a few fights with James over other issues (like James being racist and homophobic and critical of Fred about not owning a nice big home like he does) Fred decided to cut his brother out of his life. His siblings still talk to Fred endlessly about James and how well he and his children are doing and when Fred gets upset about this they basically tell him to get over it. One of his sisters who knows the full story told Fred that he should be the one to "be the bigger person" which really really upset him. It also shows no real regard for the seriousness of sexual abuse and no understanding of Fred's nature.

    Now Fred doesn't deal with it well and he is quite rude to his family at times but I think this is because he's never felt like anyone looked out for him or supported him or cares about him or understands him.

    One of his sisters asked if she could stay with us next month for a few days. It turns out she was coming to our town to see a play by James's son and when Fred heard about this he told her she would need to find somewhere else to stay. She told him to "get over it" and that his issue is with James and not the whole family. So he decided this was it - he emailed her to say that she has no idea what pain James has caused him and that he doesn't want to hear from her or the rest of the family again. He said after he did that he felt like there was a weight off his shoulders and that was it.

    But then two days later she rang and left him a message saying happy birthday. So it seems she's not out of his life and the family aren't taking this seriously.

    I've offered to talk to them for him and to try to explain how he feels and his side of all this. I am slightly better at being diplomatic than him and of course I'm more detached. But he's asked me not to do that.

    I'd like to help though. His family is a big cause of his stress and he doesn't need anymore stress in his life (his job and children are also very big sources of stress). I'd love to help with this burden, but since he's asked me not to contact them I'm not sure what I can do?

    Any advice would be appreciated.
    MD

    ReplyDelete
  19. For the silent treatment please also check out the article called verbal abuse part 3 (you will find it in the index at the top right of this page) which is about sulking. It is important to understand that self soothing is not about ignoring insults or bad behavior. Instead building your repertoire of comebacks and putting into practice methods of limiting the abuse is a cornerstone of the 4 pillars we suggest. Self soothing instead is about not needing your partner to apologize or even be happy with you to get on with your life. It is not about 'just taking it ' but rather about not letting it control you.

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

    ReplyDelete
  20. Hi Kim, thanks, yes I understand that. I just mean that the silent treatment is a bit different because it's not a discrete incident that you can self-soothe over and then move on. It's pervasive and if you live with the person (and in my case live only with that person) it's very hard both emotionally and practically to get on with things if your partner is acting that way. So I think self-soothing is helpful but of limited benefit in such a situation. They may not talk, you self-soothe, feel better and then want to get on with things, be able to organise things, ask questions, exchange pleasantries or whatever but they keep resisting that. So you get frustrated. Then self-soothe again. Then you need to organise something for the weekend or ask them if they're taking the car or whatever but they won't talk so again you hit a roadblock and the cycle continues...

    I don't know if this is something you've experienced when you're living just with the silent person? If not, you have to live it to understand the effect it can have! There's no escape. You can say things like you mention on that page about sulking, but you can't force them to talk, or you can go and spend time with someone else, but eventually you have to go home or you need to communicate with them over something - and they simply won't budge. It's a really really tough one! I think it's also fairly common with immature people so it's good that others are bringing it up. I know I would like to hear other ideas in addition to self-soothing and comebacks.
    MD

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hi MD - Again it seems that you have misunderstood me.

    I am NOT recommending self soothing as a means of dealing with the silent treatment and there are a number of other exercises and approaches described in the verbal abuse article and also the limiting abuse chapter in The Love Safety Net Workbook and "the double life" radio show.

    I appreciate you sharing your description of self soothing because hopefully it means I can help you clear up what it is NOT. Self soothing is NOT a means of dealing with abuse but instead is a way to better regulate your own reactions. After you calm down you then need to take action -- not just go back again looking for affection or expecting things will have changed by themselves. Change as I suggested previously involves much more than self soothing or comebacks on their own - but also includes investigating your partners double life and then also doing the steps in the personal bill of rights exercises in the chapter on limiting abuse in the Love Safety Net Workbook. There are additional recommendations in the article on verbal abuse and the article it links to on identity.

    Yes I have lived with the silent treatment and I know that this and other forms of abuse discussed here are indeed serious. That is why it is important that the techniques we recommend are not confused, trivialized or applied incorrectly.

    We receive positive testimonials everyday for these techniques and they have been tried and tested for many years now.

    This site is a resource for people wishing to learn those techniques, not a forum to throw ideas around. Considering the subject matter we deal with I do not believe this would be responsible of us as moderators.

    There are however many unmoderated forums where you can do that if that is your wish.

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

    ReplyDelete
  22. Hi Kim -

    I have been married for 20+ years. I am totally drained and emotionally spent after raising 3 children and suffering through a long tumultous marriage filled with verbal,emotional abuse and an affair.
    We have been considering divorce but are trying to avoid it if possible. My husband does not want "to lose everything he has worked for and start over with someone else" but cannot handle just how detached I have become. I am no longer interested in sex, social events, or the extensive and unending relationship discussions that he desires. His last effort is to ask me for a listing of measurable changes he can make to keep the marriage together. He has been to counselors who tell him there is nothing more serious going on than a 'guy going through some tough stuff'. So I am hesitant to use NPD in any conversation - although it is very clear to me and to our marriage counselor that this is the diagnosis. Can you recommend a source for a "list of measurable changes"?
    Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Hi Anon who is feeling drained and emotionally spent. The answer is YES! Please find the gap finder in The Love Safety Net Workbook and I would also suggest your husband work through all of the other exercises too!

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

    ReplyDelete
  24. I am anonymous who shared with Mom-in-law about my experiences with my husband's family. I don't mean to imply that everything is perfect at our house. There is still work to be done. But, there are no more screaming matches and my stomach isn't in knots all the time. I've learned to put an end to most of the conflicts pretty quickly.

    That said, my husband still sometimes says things that sting pretty badly. I think it almost hurts more now because the periods in between the bad behavior are much longer, so it catches me off-guard and disappoints me so much when he regresses back to his old cruel, immature ways.

    I just want to make the point that Kim is not implying that these things won't hurt you. You will still feel hurt and angry sometimes. That is part of being human, and in many ways a good thing. The difference is, I recognize the feeling, confirm to myself that I am justified in feeling that way, and can calmly explain why something that was said was uncalled for, inappropriate, childish, etc. I then leave the situation and don't have the need to make him understand my point of view. I've been pleased that he has been apologizing without my asking, after he has a little time to think about it. Of course, I would prefer that he never behave this way. It is much less frequent, so I am hopeful that these behaviors will stop completely at some point.

    This is not easy. It is a long process that takes much patience and strength. For me, the outcome is much better than divorce, which at one point I thought was going to be my only option.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Kimcoo

    I wish You had known my disappointment for not having this information early before I got married. I have a lot of things to deal with at the moment. Shame anger frustrations and strange feelings you can think of, as a result of reacting to alot of things ignorantly. I have many times made fool of myself without knowing it. Yet in my heart I was so sencere. The ten years I have been married are the worst moment of my life. Mixed feelings of hate and love. I have been working so much hard to save my marriage. As a result I have lost my whole self and my identity. I think I have been doing it in a wrong way.

    Many times I have been asking myself what realy happened to me. Neither could someone answer me nor do I know the answer. I find myself more and more I solated. When I thought I would get sympathy or consederation, all that I have faced is deafening silence followed by this ernomous anger and great frustrations. If I didnt know how to cry I dont know what I wld have bn doing.

    Reading your articles and materials, I have also managed to browse some site "break free from the affair" I realise I have suffered alot because of ignorance. I had alot of determination and capacity but I was ill equiped for what I have gone thru.

    Its not easy but reading your stuff I come to see light. My hope is its not too late for me to save my marriage. My husband has a girlfriend of 7 yrs and I have had realy bad time dealing with this relationship. I now know the answer I just did not do things right and gave the other girl a chance to outdo me. I really have had a bad marriage, we, both me and him, hanged in there. I have learnt alot from You. I thought I was best prepared for what I got myself into.(marriage) As of now I regard marriage as one of the most mysterious phenomenon of life that is including birth pregnancy and death. The emphasised issues given during pre marriage seminers dont bear any resemblance to what we go thru. Its tricky and may be the approach needs to change to empower pple with the right attitude. I assume many marriages have failed when they did not need to do so simply becuase of ignorance.

    You guys may you live long so that alot of pple may be helped with your message.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Hang in there Flora,

    Even if you marriage cannot be saved learning better relationships skills will help you in every aspect of your life!

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.NarcissismCured.com

    ReplyDelete
  27. Hi all,

    I too (along with someone who mentioned this earlier) would like to be able to ask others for ideas/advice who have gone through similar things and have maybe had more luck or have been at it longer. Kim, I understand you can't answer everyone and give long explanations etc. so I don't understand why we can't ask each other? I've looked for other forums but they are generally about healing after leaving a partner with NPD or similar issues. If you don't want us asking each other I'm not sure who we can turn to with questions - the books are useful but of course don't cover everything -and it sometimes seems like you don't like to be questioned yourself.
    Can you suggest a forum that we could look at which allows this?
    Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I am working on setting up some kind of discussion group up on G+ soon and will do a blog about that soon too. You can also use the friends connect social networking bar on this site to connect privately with anyone whose comments you relate to. There is no rule that says you cannot talk to each other here! If you want to respond to someone else's post that is fine. I would suggest however that you don't ask for advice from other people if you cannot respect the goodwill that advice is given in. I only mention this as I have had a few complaints about this in the past.

    My experience has been however that people who come to a forum to get help every time they are experiencing negative feelings don't usually succeed in saving their relationship. I think this is because realizing we don't need someone else to help us feel better when we are down (but instead can learn to count on ourselves) is one of the toughest lessons we offer. Most people unfortunately don't realize that they need to stop crying and start taking care of themselves and looking deep within themselves for the strength they need until they are faced with no other option.

    In my case that point only came when I was faced with the shame of my mother telling me that I was neglecting my kids.

    So this is why I am careful now that this space doesn't become a place to look for sympathy - but is instead a place to find strength.

    If it wasn't for my concerns about this we would have set up a forum a long time ago and I am sure it would have been very popular. Instead I have chosen to share the truth which is that there are some things we must face alone. I published a poem here with that title which you can find in the index at the top of the page if you are interested. It got a lot of positive comments.

    I have a few mentoring clients these days and usually the advice they thank me for the most is when I tell them to go back and read the books again. The steps in them are not easy and they take time to put in place.
    The books are also being updated as we speak and cover more ground. They will also be available soon in print.

    I answer all the questions I can as honestly as I can so I am sorry if you have found that I don't like to be questioned. I defend what I believe in sure! The lessons I offer here were very hard won for me and have helped so many people - but also can be easily misunderstood. There is so much confusion out there right now on the subject of domestic abuse and narcissism - so it is very important to me that whatever we publish is as clear and straightforward as we can make it.

    If you have any questions I will do my best to answer them or direct you to where I have written about that subject before.

    Hang in there!

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.NarcissismCured.com

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  29. Kim,

    I hope you don't mind if I offer my interpretation of your position.

    You have NEVER said that people should not ask each other for help on here. What you are saying is, you are offering particular materials and techniques (which you personally know work). Come here to discuss how these things have worked for you and offer advice, or talk about how some techniques have not worked for you, and get people's perspective on how these can be implemented differently for better results. This is not a place to just throw a bunch of stuff at the wall and see what sticks.

    This is also not a place to complain about how bad things are, if you aren't truly seeking advice to make things better. This is not a place to compare stories for the sake of complaining. If we all wanted to one-up each other about how bad things can be, I am sure it would make for interesting and horrifying reading. But, stories should be shared only to demonstrate a particular problem or how a technique worked.

    I have not found that you don't like to be questioned, but you defend something you know works and have researched in depth. There is nothing wrong with that.

    That's my 2 cents!

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  30. Thanks so much for that and yes that is my position exactly!

    Kim

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  31. I have to share something really exciting, particularly to Mom-in-law who shared her concerns. I am the one, again, who told about my experiences with my husband's family.

    We had an event at our home, and my husband and I had many discussions about who we should invite. There were members of his family that he did not want to invite. I didn't want the drama of not inviting people who expected to be invited. So, I told him, some of them we have had issues with probably won't come anyway. I'd rather avoid the drama and just invite them. Let's show we are the bigger people by inviting them. However, if they did come, I needed his commitment that he would be polite and cordial. He said he could politely ignore them. I thought "Oh boy," but, good enough. They probably won't come anyway.

    Well, they did come. My husband did great. Helped me out when I needed him to, talked with everyone. I even saw him laughing with the people he didn't want to invite.

    I have been under a tremendous amount of stress with my job lately, and having an event at our home added to the stress. After everyone left, we were talking about something small, and he interrupted me, which he still does constantly and drives me crazy. It's definitely something he still needs to work on. So I got on him about it. He sulked and went upstairs.

    After a while, I realized, I had been worried about this event and how he would behave, for months. While my irritation at him interrupting me was valid, I had totally neglected to recognize how great he had done. So, I went upstairs and I could tell he was waiting for me to nag at him. Instead, I said, "You did really great tonight. You were nice to everyone and you helped me out. I'm proud of you." He didn't say anything, but he was in a good mood after that. Sometimes that's all it takes!

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