Finding Your Dream Lover and Conducting the Perfect Affair ...This may shock you coming from me, but today I am going to share exactly how to conduct a life long affair with the ideal lover of your dreams, beginning today in real life!
But first ...
Have you ever believed that you understood something, only to have a life event make you realize you didn’t understand it at all?
The first time this happened to me was when I was hit by a car.
Of course I thought I knew that cars were big and heavy and could hurt people - but it wasn’t until one hit me, that I realized previously I hadn’t understood this at all.
Before being hit by one, cars were just sound and vision to me, a bit like watching a movie or watching TV, but after my minor accident I began to start feeling the cars around me in the street. A new sensation had dawned in me that caused my whole body instead of just my mind to become aware that I had to watch out.
In a very similar way it was only last night that the story of Narcissus falling in love with his own reflection and the experience of my own personal redemption from this same situation, became very real to me.
There were a few events that led up to this breakthrough and I will share with you today how in just the last week, my own experience of myself and my life has completely changed.
Narcissism generally describes someone who is conceited and self centered, but as you may already understand, in reality narcissism has nothing to do with loving yourself at all.
As the Greek myth describes so well, Narcissus was not in love with his true self but instead a reflection of himself which was not real. Far from being ‘self centered’, Narcissus was a totally off-balance individual who died lonely searching for his ‘perfect lover’ in his reflection. Rather than being centered in himself, he is pictured leaning forward trying to catch a shallow glimpse of himself in the outside world.
Longing for this perfect lover does not only apply to people with narcissistic tendencies either. Just like Echo in this same myth, people with codependent tendencies also long for their ‘perfect love’ just as tragically, only in different ways.
Someone with narcissistic tendencies searches for completion in the praise and admiration they can win from others for their own achievements - or the personal worth and glory they can see reflected in the eyes of their admirers - while the codependent seeks their true ‘soul mate’ (who will know all of their secret hopes, dreams and fears) locked behind the defensive walls their aloof (and perhaps narcissistic) partner has erected against them. The codependent is forever looking for the key to the dark well their true love (who continues to reject them) has locked his or her own heart in - to set it free and heal them - so they can finally feel all the love and sympathy they are sure is there waiting locked inside.
Both of these ideas of finding true love are equally as flawed and equally as dangerous. After repeated attempts at finding their perfect love in this way fail, both the Narcissist and the Codependent are likely to resort to searching for this ideal lover in fantasy.
Many of us will have a little of each of these characteristics within us and vacillate between these two states of being, with neither working effectively as we slide further and further away from the wonderful life we once dreamed of for ourselves.
So this is the pain of the human condition - We cannot forget about this love that we crave, but the ways in which we search for it hurt ourselves and the people around us and can cause chaos, destruction and emotional pain.
So how to find your perfect lover, if not in any of the ways I have just described?
There is one person who will truly love and care for you in the way that you secretly crave. I am not talking about a divine or religious identity - your perfect lover is a real life, living and breathing human being and I want to introduce you to that person right now ...
I hope that this isn’t too disappointing but the 100% rock-solid truth is that only you can be your own perfect lover.
So maybe that’s a big let down. Perhaps you are thinking “Oh yeah - loving myself and all that New Age rubbish, I have heard it all before.” or “Hey I have worked for years at loving myself and sure it helps, but still it is not the same as what my heart really craves.” Or perhaps you may even think this idea sacrilegious?
If so I need you to trust me and keep your mind open for a moment (minds work better that way (-: ) and give this idea half a chance.
Because what I have described so far was only part of what hit me last night and these ideas I am sharing are experiential, which (like getting hit by a car) means that they are things that you must experience to understand.
If you truly want to experience self love and all that goes with it - you cannot just read this article - you will probably need to do some things, some of which may even scare you at first ...
Before I get to that however, first I want you to simply imagine exactly how your ideal lover would care for you. Even if you are married or in a relationship please give yourself permission to do this and be as detailed in your imagination as you possibly can. Remember the dreams you have had about your ideal love and the actors and perhaps songs that have evoked a picture of this very emotional character for you.
Maybe you imagined someone who would take care of you by cooking and making a nice home for you? Or someone who would support you emotionally and financially while you changed your occupation or went back to school? Or maybe you imagined someone who would give you the life you always wanted. Someone who was sympathetic to your emotional pain and who understood that you only made the mistakes that you have, because you were hurting, afraid or misunderstood?
Or maybe you imagined someone who would carry you off to live in the neighborhood or country where you always felt you really belong?
Whatever your fantasy, once you are ready please give yourself the gift of a lifetime and stop and write down some notes about the following points;
1. The character traits this person displays (such as beauty, strength or honesty).
2. The ways they would care for you and protect you if they walked into your life as your perfect lover right now.
Make sure that you make a few notes about this, because I will suggest that those notes may become a checklist of the most important things you will ever give yourself in your life.
You see most of us have been brought up to believe that loving ourselves will make us egotistical or conceited (or even evil) and this has caused us to deny ourselves the most important gift this life will ever offer ...
and that is the chance to be our own perfect lover.
I learned this the hard way over Christmas and New Year, because with a house full of kids (and their friends) all off school on summer holidays here in Australia, I lost my direction and inner courage to continue giving myself a lot of what I really need in my life. The first and most important being an office where it is quiet for me to work if I am to financially support my family.
You see I work from home and my daughter shares her large bedroom with me as my office and this usually works fine when she is at school. It is a big beautiful room and she has a desk and a big art table in it too, but with the kids home from school it just wasn’t working.
So I went into hiding and moved my computer into a corner of my bedroom and without seeing the ‘loveless’ choices I was making for myself, my anxiety and fear began to grow.
My story is very relevant to what I hope to share with you today because this journey I am recommending is not easy and the number 1 thing you will need to be your own perfect lover is COURAGE.
When I look back at the problems I have faced the last 3 summers, me needing a quiet space to work during summer holidays should have been obvious, but unfortunately it took all my ‘bad old patterns’ coming back, such as putting demands on my family / trying to please them to get them to feel for me more / challenging their feelings for me / blame and anger / and even now and then me seeking attention and recognition elsewhere.
I am ashamed to say that it even finally took me having a severe anxiety meltdown before this and a few other things I was needing to sort out for myself became clear.
Once I got through this and decided I better start taking a bit of my own advice and start treating myself better no one in my family really helped me (Steve has been overwhelmed with his own workload too) but no one argued with me or stopped me either.
You see what had happened was really no one else’s fault and the real reason for me not seeing the problem sooner was that I had to do some things that were new and this was why it had previously been so hard for me to see what was needed or face my fear and believe in myself enough to look after myself better.
First - I had to call on a friend and admit that I urgently needed some financial support, which is something I rarely do and always feel very uncomfortable about.
Second - I had to tell my in-laws, as soon as we arrived to visit them for 3 weeks, that before I could do anything I needed to find a room to rent (with internet) for me to work in without being interrupted for the duration of our visit.
While they scratched their heads asking how much that might cost and saying they didn’t know how I would find something like that - I was already out looking at the notice board in the local launderette and was very soon on the phone.
I was scared inside about this new thing I was claiming the right to organize for myself - but after my anxiety meltdown, the idea of my own office had, in my own mind, become a life rope back to peace and sanity.
Now because I have never done anything like this when visiting my in-laws, no one really understood and no one really believed it would actually happen. Being my own perfect lover however meant that I didn’t need their support, permission or help, instead I just did it - even though I felt nervous and scared that someone might try and talk me out of it or stop me, or judge me for giving so much time and attention to myself.
So in less than 48 hours after arriving in Melbourne, and with a little help from Steve, here I am sitting in a beautiful upstairs room, with trees outside the window and flowers I bought myself.
This space I have found to sublet comprises the whole upstairs of a beautiful two story house and has total peace and quiet, and the fastest internet connection I have ever encountered.
And it is not just like heaven sitting here - in a way I believe it actually is ...
Because I believe God wants us to know we are deeply loved and wants us to love and take care of ourself from the inner depths of our own heart.
This is not selfish either because back home while I forgot to love myself, guess what happened? ...
I started believing that the love and support I needed was outside of myself and hence I became egotistical and dissatisfied with how my family was treating me. I also became anxious and hard to live with. Once I saw the light however (after my fall) and became my own perfect lover, I can now see that what I have organized for myself is not only good for me but is 100% better for my family as well.
Because loving yourself does not make you egotistical and self centered but instead far less demanding and easier to be around.
So please go back now and have a look at that list you made. Because the truth is that no one is going to give you those things if you don’t start giving them to yourself.
Are there ways you want to live your life differently? Well maybe it is time you start taking responsibility for organizing those changes (without demanding too much from anyone else).
Do you long for a lover who is honest, hardworking and sincere? This is a message that you need to begin working on those traits in your own character and growing stronger so that you can begin to trust yourself.
Will that be easy? No.
Will you get to where you want to be overnight? No.
Will you always get the life you dreamed of or what you want? No, you will often have to make the most loving choices for yourself from what is available and that sometimes may mean needing to choose to be by yourself or to spend some quiet time contemplating nature or even to go hungry if the food available is not a loving choice for yourself.
Will other people help you? Not if you make your needs optional or ask permission for what you need. We all need some support from others, but you need to keep your requests direct and simple and be ready to accept a “no” if the person you ask can’t help.
Will it be worth the fear and discomfort you will feel by leaving your comfort zone? Undoubtably the answer is yes!
So from these ideas here are 3 new rules I have adopted in my life that I hope you might consider adopting too ...
1. My needs and desires about the way I wish to live my life are no longer optional.
2. I will no longer ask permission for the things that I need to be happy.
3. I will not expect people to guess my needs and will ask clearly and politely for the things I want/need help with.
Being your own perfect lover means working to give yourself what you need, regardless of what anyone else thinks. It means finding courage to claim the freedom to live your life the way that you need to, while demanding as little as possible (particularly emotionally) from anyone else.
Because self worth is experiencing and giving yourself love, not just talking or thinking about it.
So now for what hit me last night ...
Being back in Melbourne this week (where I lived when I was younger) has caused a lot of memories to come back to me. Also, because I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder, many of my memories are of moments of acute anxiety from the past, and so even though a lot of great things happened for me here, it is easy for my daily experience (walking down streets that bring back memories for instance) to become defined by anxious memories which then in turn test my self esteem.
However, turning to my own ‘inner perfect lover’ for advice, I discovered this ...
~ My Own Inner Riches ~
Sitting quietly yesterday evening working in my new ‘room in heaven', I had a realization where I felt - perhaps for the first time ever - my own genuine and intrinsic self worth ...
Because if I am to be my own perfect lover what could possibly be more valuable to me than myself?
For the first time in my life I experienced that what was inside of my chest was worth more than all of the gold or riches in the world, and this same moment I suddenly saw and experienced two things; The first was a flash where I saw that what Narcissus needed and longed for was not the image he saw in the cold water of his reflection but instead to feel his own incredible self worth inside his own warm and living chest.
“It was like I was Narcissus and I felt the cold hard reflection come up and join me
and then my heart expand with love and joy at discovering the warmth,
love and realness of cherishing and valuing myself.
Narcissus’ shame was not to love himself,
but to foolishly look for that love anywhere but inside himself.
The next thing I felt was that all of those anxious memories that had been defining my day were falling away like old leaves.
This revelation was no day dream or wishful or fuzzy thinking either and I will tell you exactly why ...
because true love is a verb.
Giving yourself the things that your heart truly longs for (like the quiet office I had given myself) is not wishful ... it is about doing and it will take courage, determination and hard work!
At first you will say; “But I can’t afford the life that I want,” or, “My partner won’t let me do that,” or if you are more honest perhaps, “But I feel nervous because this is all new and I am afraid.”
It takes courage and strength to love yourself and giving yourself a new and kinder life than you have in the past may be harder than you realize at first ... but if you don’t have the courage to learn to love and respect yourself, who else will?
Loving yourself is also tough because it means giving up all your old bad habits, such as the junk food, drugs and stimulants that you rely on to make yourself feel better about denying yourself the life you truly long to be living.
- Or your addiction to fantasy with soap operas, pornography, romance novels, music, movies, magazines, computer games or TV.
- Or your reliance on blame and always feeling you need things from others (that you won’t even give yourself) because you don’t have the courage to take some risks and step out of your comfort zone and start taking the steps necessary to create the life that would express who you are.
Well you can cringe and beat yourself up about your bad habits if you want to - but I am telling you now that you will never get rid of your current habits until you replace them with something new and filled with more love for yourself.
For instance, if you are a drinker and you try and stop drinking without first finding some new pastimes which you enjoy and that are more loving towards yourself, what do you think will happen?
From experience I can tell you that it will only be a matter of time before you are back filling in your spare time drinking, because it is a habit and what feels natural to relieve your stress and anxiety, even though it actually creates more stress and anxiety in the long run.
Further from this I want to be straight with you and let you know that the things I recommend in my ebooks are not what will bring heaven into your life. My ebooks simply offer new ideas of how to live a life of self respect, replacing some of your old habits and responses that are no longer working for you (or perhaps never did but you learned simply from bad example) with better ones.
What will bring heaven into your life is for you to face your fear and decide to become your own perfect lover and find the courage to replace your old habits with new ones to love and support yourself as you want to be loved.
If you are truly working at change, these new ideas will feel strange and scary at first and some may indeed be challenging, but most of the time it will simply be because these ideas and suggestions will be new.
If you have never made an online purchase or purchased an ebook or read a self-help book for instance, even deciding to get started on this may be something that feels foreign and a bit scary and that fear is completely normal.
But if you are to grow and develop as a person and move towards a better life full of love, avoiding the anxiety trying new things causes and just saying “Don’t worry and just be happy”, is never going to cut it.
I have written 5 ebooks now and the first Back from the Looking Glass (which is now in it’s 5th edition) is about how I turned my marriage from one of emotional and physical abuse and humiliation to one of the best marriages that I know of. The truth is however that while I was working through the steps I offer in that ebook, I felt so scared that a lot of the time I felt like I might throw up!
So here is the catch 22 - if the new ideas you are trying are not putting you far enough out of your comfort zone to feel some distress, you are probably not genuinely growing and the things you are doing to improve your situation are probably not going to work.
Just like exercise, no pain no gain!
So alongside our ebooks I also have something very powerful to offer you today to help with this ...
The Wellness Audio Institutes Audio Library was developed in conjunction with our work and was designed for you to have portable, private support that will help you overcome the inevitable fear that you will experience when you begin putting the steps we recommend in our ebooks into action. You facing and overcoming that fear is necessary and will help you move closer to the life you really crave ...
Personal and Private Support
Do you feel that no one really understands you in your neighborhood, at work or at church? Do you have ideas and dreams that you feel might make you an outcast if you were to act on them? Do you find yourself unconsciously asking for permission before you do anything because you are afraid of the rejection or the disapproval of others?
Well you need to step out and take some risks, because you only have one life to live and there are no dress rehearsals and there is NO place on earth where putting the life of your dreams into action will be easy or risk free.
Please understand that I do not advocate you being rebellious or reactionary and I have written reams on how to better fit in and be accepted and loved in your home and community - but needing love and acceptance cannot be at the expense of the steps you need to take towards a life full of love for yourself.
I want you to think now about the people you know who live life by their own rules but are still loved and accepted by their friends and family, even if their lives are a bit unusual and their choices may sometimes be criticized or judged.
There is hard science we can all learn from about the skills these type of people possess that allow them to make the choices that suit them (instead of what the crowd dictates) while still being loved and accepted by the people they want close. I would even say that having the courage and confidence to ‘call your own tune’ in this way is a very important ingredient to being attractive!
I have collected this kind of research for years and I will continue providing you with the most up to date psychology on the skills you need to develop to create this kind of deep and lasting attachment with the people you want close, but first you will need to find the courage to try these new things and the Wellness Audio Institutes Library is support that will help you relax and find courage at any place and at any time.
These recordings are state of the art technology and have nothing to do with hypnosis. You can find longer scientific explanations of brain wave entrainment online but I will give you the experience of this simply ...
Remember that great safe and warm feeling you probably once felt sleeping in the back of car while your parents were driving, or maybe as you were looking out the window of a train with the noise and vibration of the wheels and the track lulling you into a deep state of relaxation?
Can you remember that safe and relaxed feeling you felt in either of these situations?
Now imagine being able to give yourself that very same feeling, privately (even if you are sitting in a waiting room, in a car or on a plane) at any place and at any time.
There are no words or subliminal messages in these recordings. Instead they produce an effect very similar to medication (that will last for hours after you have stopped listening) but without any of the hazardous side affects.
To give yourself this gift of personal support, you will need a portable MP3 player such as an iPod (or a less expensive version will be fine), some earbuds (the modern word for headphones), and the downloads of the albums that will best help you with the current ‘fear based’ problems you are now facing.
You might also wish to buy these albums on CD and listen to them on a CD player, but this will not be as portable or private.
If you choose the CD version you can however still load the tracks from your CD onto your computer and then transfer the recordings on to your MP3 player. This choice is a good one if you have a slow internet connection which may make downloading the files difficult.
So this is a new habit that your own perfect lover might choose to give yourself to help relieve your anxiety and give you the courage you need wherever and whenever you need it while you are working on our steps towards a more loving life.
This library of audio recordings will provide genuine solid support instead of you reaching for those bad habits that will never help you achieve a life full of love.
There is even a Wellness Audio Album for overcoming addictions - so next time you are reaching for that coffee, cigarette, drink, romance novel, porn site, TV remote, prescription or non prescription drug, or even phone for a friend to lean on - instead you can fire up your MP3 player and relax into a better state of mind - ready to make better choices (guided by your inner perfect lover) of how to better spend your time.
Because the truly valuable things in life don't come from others but come from inside of ourselves and of our own creation; such as talent, creativity, inspiration and joy.
And even if the new lifestyle choices you make are a bit scary at first, you will need to face and overcome this fear if you are ever to find the path to self love ....
So please take a look at my list of favorites in the Wellness Audio Library and I look forward to hearing about your success ...
Here’s to you experiencing your own true self worth and truly knowing that you are loved.