The Man Who Won't Commit Emotionally (or whose eyes keep straying)
I will eventually write more articles in the verbal abuse series but thought I would write a short piece today on a subject that I know many women struggle with.
I know that this may seem a strange place to start on the subject of emotional abuse but a man who runs hot and cold (and perhaps makes you feel like you have wasted half of your life on him) is certainly emotionally painful to deal with.
Now I know that women's tendencies are to want to pull this guy's emotional profile apart to figure out what makes him tick (and why he is so scared of commitment) but I will leave that subject to the shrinks and instead offer some advice on what actions you can take to draw a man closer and have him commit emotionally as well as want to spend the rest of his life with you.
The ideas I will suggest here need to be practiced in tandem with the rest of our program, particularly if you are in a relationship where love has turned sour and there is a lot of anger and abuse going on. Learning to limit physical abuse if it is present should take priority over anything else and if you are experiencing this I suggest that you purchase my ebook Back from the Looking Glass immediately and start working through the steps in it.
I know a lot of readers here are already working through those steps, so I will offer some specific advice today to help you help the man in your life decide he wants to draw close to you emotionally and physically.
The first thing I want to share is a bit delicate but I guess I had better just come right out and say it ...
Back when Steve and I were fighting, I was blaming him for running emotionally hot and cold and having his eye on other women and although this was true, I was somewhat like a bad guitarist blaming my guitar for the nasty sounds coming out of it instead of seeing that I really needed music lessons (-:
This is why I have put this subject under the title of emotional abuse. Because as tough as it is to say, I have found that most people I hear claiming they are being emotionally abused are in fact abusing their own emotions and using them in ways that are manipulative and which in the end destroy love.
This is behavior that you may have learned from a parent while growing up and so there is no shame in this - unless you keep doing it after you have seen that it is destructive to your relationships and painful to others!
What I am saying specifically is that many women consider their emotions as tools they can use to elicit an emotional or care-taking response out of others ...
I am sad - so if you love me you should cheer me up ...
I am angry - so if you love me you should let me have my way ...
I am distressed - so if you love me you should love and take care of me ...
This is in fact emotional abuse, because the person attempting this is actually abusing their own emotions by using them incorrectly.
You see, emotions are in fact internal signals that are there to let you know there is a situation which may need attention in your life. A person who possesses emotional intelligence (ie. is emotionally mature) will heed this signal and then self soothe and regain their composure without needing anyone else to help them and then later figure out what this emotion is signaling, and what might need to be done.
If action is needed, it should not be decided on in the heat of the moment. To best understand this, imagine that you in fact have two brains and the one that gets switched on when you are emotional (your amygdala) doesn't make the same quality of decisions that your other brain (your upper cortex) does. Now also understand that it's very hard to access information from both of these brains at once.
So anger does not mean that you will need to hit or yell at someone (to stop being taken advantage of), as your emotional brain may be telling you, instead it could mean that a real boundary needs to be set. For example, if your partner spending your money (without asking) is what angered you - the action needed may be you denying them future access to your bank account.
Further, sadness may mean you need to accept something (or someone special) is indeed gone from your life. Acceptance and allowing yourself to feel this grief will bring along with it the silver lining where you begin to see a new future.
There is much more on this topic in "10 steps to Overcome Codependence", "Emotional Stupidity" and "The Love Safety Net Workbook", but I hope the examples I have given here have helped make my point clearer.
Our emotions are not things we should need other people's help dealing with on any regular basis or we will become a very difficult and demanding person to live with.
If you are in a painful relationship learning to take back control of your own happiness by learning the correct use of your emotions - may be the best skills you ever learn.
Back when Steve and I were fighting I was certainly making many mistakes with this and I know I talk about emotional intelligence and the ideas outlined above in my ebooks - but besides these (and all the other great resources I have recommended in the past), there was another ebook which helped me draw Steve close, which I have perhaps been a little too proud to admit before!
It is the ebook by Christian Carter called "Catch Him and Keep Him".
Personally, I find this title somewhat off-putting as it sounds very aggressive and manipulative - and not very feminine, but back when living with Steve's lack of commitment felt like living in hell, I will admit I was so desperate I was ready to try anything. Well it's true you can't judge a book by its cover, because the ideas Christian shares are not aggressive or manipulative at all and really did turn my head around and helped me learn to "play" Steve in a way that got much sweeter music from him! Now I know that again probably sounds manipulative, but the truth is Christian just knows how to share what men really like (and don't like) about women.
You see most men really DO want to commit and be close to a woman - but if you were like me back then you may unwittingly be driving him away.
In my case it has worked wonders and Steve sticks to me like glue now! He is so happy I actually can't believe it (and neither can my friends!) - and this from a man who used to say all women are b-t--es and who would rock the boat constantly.
So if you are having trouble creating intimacy please do check out "Catch Him and Keep Him" and read for yourself what Christian has to say. He is very straight forward and authorative in explaining what men like and what they don't and how to draw a man close and have him wanting to make a lasting and deep emotional commitment to you.
The links above are affiliate links and I hope you don't mind if I get a commision on the sales on this title. You won't find it cheaper anywhere else and my cut will help keep the roof over our heads while I keep working away at all the great new stuff I have coming up for you shortly.
I know I have been a bit quiet of late - but just wait and see what we have coming up next!
Hang in there!