Welcome Newcomers!

Hi if you are new here ...

This site is primarily for the partners of people with Narcissistic personality disorder and because you have found us I can guess you must be feeling very angry and upset with your partner right now and I really do understand how you might be feeling ...

We have nearly 30 thousands people on our email lists, some of whom have been with us for over 3 years now and so I hope if you haven't already you will consider subscribing to our email list on our main site and join us as we continue on this journey.

Steve and I have recorded nearly 50 radio shows, written 6 ebooks and finished two new audio products recently, each of which will soon become series. We have also changed the tone and content of the discussion on the subject of narcissism online and off. Right around the world therapists are now sharing our ebooks with their clients and offering hope where previously there was none

I truly hope that we get the chance to help you learn how to defend yourself better and to end the
emotional pain. I also hope that I can impress on you how vitally important it is you learn skills to stand up for yourself calmly and effectively.

If your partner is blaming you, I can also guess that their pride is probably not ready to allow them to be honest in admitting their responsibility for problems that have happened between you both in the past.

I know your partner is also probably not acknowledging the full extent of the pain they have caused you and I know that might really be making you feel angry.

Trying to make your partner feel bad for what they have done is one solution but it rarely works and we feel we have much better ones.

Here is some food for thought ...

Let's look at this for a moment from another perspective ....

I think that everyone longs at some stage for someone else to feel their pain. It is a need we have as children to know that our parents care for us and that we are not alone.

So if you desire for your partner to feel for you (and even perhaps suffer as much as they have made you suffer) there is still perhaps a part of you that is still feeling inside a bit like a sad or scared child.

I don't mean this is wrong or bad at all - that's just how it is for most of us who have been through this.

I think it is easy to imagine sometimes that if we could make our partner feel really bad they might then change their ways and instantly know what to do to make us feel better and then lead the way to us having a really great life with them.

It is also easy to hope that something will come along and magically change their mind to make this happen. Like them seeing a movie that touches them or hearing a really sad song.

So what I am explaining is that I think it is normal to sometimes think that good stuff will come from our partner feeling really bad for what they have done.

The problem is however that no matter how bad they feel about what they have done, they probably still won't know how to give you the life you want.

The reason for this is that deep down they are probably longing for a strong parental figure too and probably need it even more than you do.

You see when things got better with Steve and I, it was because I decided that what had happened in the past wasn't going to matter anymore.

What mattered was that he was going to finally let me take the lead and help us both to feel safer and more secure in the future than we had in the past.

I learned how to stand up to him without using emotion and I want to teach you how to do that too.

I also stopped wanting him to feel bad for what he had done. I stopped being angry and focused instead on how to get out of the mess we were in, while showing him he could trust me to lead the way.

I showed him courage and strength he had never seen in me before and I stopped looking at him and instead I started looking at where we were going in an honest and mature way. Not taking any short cuts or gambles but instead seeing the gaps that needed to be filled to get our life back on track.

I can't tell you if it is best for you to stay with your partner or not. I can tell you however that there is not a person in the world who will be able to feel for you enough to make all your hurt from the past go away.

Because you need to feel that pain and accept it and let it go.

You really don't need all that hurt and anger anymore.

Your partner has done the best they know how. That may be lousy and perhaps even criminal but if you want things to get better you also need to take some responsibility for what you expected from them.

They probably grew up only ever knowing how to lie, cheat and blame their way through life. I bet they wanted to be more than that in the beginning for you too and they may have even tried for awhile - but I doubt they are really able (by themselves) to deliver the kind of life you really want.

You see the truth is you have to do that ... because only you know how to create that life and only you can decide that you will not let their immaturity keep you immature as well.

I think you probably even knew all of this about your partner from the start, but you avoided looking at it. Instead you wanted to see them as someone who could be the strong parental figure you were yearning for inside.

Now I am not blaming you, because back then I know your need for that must have been great. Otherwise you wouldn't have let yourself be fooled.

But that is the past and I believe you probably have 3 choices to think about now ...

a. Forget about needing a stronger person to help you and instead 'raise yourself' and become someone who can not only take care of yourself but be wise and strong enough to forgive your partner (and forget about the past) and take on the role of calmly and surely taking charge of what happens from here in a very mature and responsible way. This will probably mean you making some really courageous and tough decisions and doing a lot of growing up yourself, including you learning to disengage and walk away if they want to fight.

b. Continue wanting them to feel for you and 'make you feel better'. This will potentially start the fighting all over again because really they don't know what to do (and believe me that lecturing them about it really won't help).

c. Walk away and let it be finished in a way that leaves both of your egos intact. This means telling them you love them and that you don't blame them for everything that has happened but that you need time to mature and learn to take care of yourself better and you are not able to do that for both of you.

d. Walk away in anger and try and hold them to blame for what they have done.

None of these steps are easy and a. can still lead to c. and c. can still lead to a. but in my opinion b. will only lead you back to working on this issue of you trying to end your pain in the same painful ways you have already tried over and over again in the past without success. And as for d. it may not seem fair but unfortunately this will just see the fight continue and probably get even worse.

The question is how many times do you want to go through that pain until you see that no one can make you feel better about the past except for yourself. You can want them to feel bad for you and make it better but in reality they are not that strong and even if they wanted to, they would probably not know how. Just because someone broke something doesn't mean they will know how to fix it.

OK so I hope that you understand how much I do feel for where you are right now and for all you must be feelings about this.

You are part of an online community here where there are many people who were once where you are right now. Part of really growing up is us reaching that point where we decide we don't need to keep reliving the pain from the past anymore, because we can now trust ourselves enough to take charge of our own happiness and our own life.

I hope this helps and that you know we are here for you ...

I hope that you will read the posts here and soon feel the motivation and courage to let us help you make a start towards a better life!

Your friend,

Kim Cooper
http://www.narcissismcured.com

28 comments:

  1. Well said Kim,
    I like this direct information. The ABC's are clearly defined here. C is where I'm at right now. I find myself at B sometimes embarrassingly but I'm only one month into your program so I'm learning. A. was my initial strategy but it did lead to C. I think the dialogue in C will be helpful in my next conversation. Thanks Kim right on the nose with this. Just what I needed. Theresa

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  2. Yes, finally knowing this is real and actually has a name is quite a relief already. As one lady called it, at least it's a starting point.
    I live with a man who I had known from my hometown. We got together after 25 yrs. I was going through a terrible time, and finding someone again from back home, it all seemed like a miracle that we got together. We both drank and things went from bad to worse. I have now not drank for over a year, that helped to see that this continuous fighting really isn't "all my fault" I loathe him, but he won't leave. I own the house, and he won't leave, he says I should go. I pray a lot, try very hard not to engage in a fight, (which seems to be his favorite pastime). He's been here 5 yrs now, is gone most of the time, and stays in guest bedroom and has for 4 yrs. I'm 49 now, I still would like to believe it's possible to have a healthy, loving relationship with someone, but I feel trapped. Sorry this got so lengthy. Carol

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  3. Hi Carol,

    Amazingly I have been in your situation too before I met Steve. I was stuck where you are for 2 years.

    I don't have time to write it all down here but it is all in the last chapter of "Back from the Looking Glass". It will tell you how to get him to leave and also to leave you alone.

    The information is very simple but will be priceless for you now and so I really encourage you to go ahead and download it and read it now!

    You hang in there!

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  4. Desperate and isolatedJune 3, 2010 at 10:43 PM

    Hello,
    I tried to post a comment over the weekend but it isn't on here...I had such a weekend like I never had before with anyone. I was really, really confused about what happened. I don't know where to go to get advice and I am afraid to confide in anyone because my boyfriend sees that as betrayal. When I went on this website I related so much to what others were writing as well as the description of a narcissist. I feel trapped in this relationship. I've made the mistake of letting close friends know what goes on with us and they tried to do an intervention. That did wake him up a little but it was temporary. Now he has something real to blame me for that he never lets go of. I try to hang up and/or walk away during the verbal abuse but it seems to make him more obsessed. I have tried to calmly tell him I want it to end but somehow I am always back to this. I reacted in a way that sobered me this weekend and I am really afraid of what might happen if I don't get free. What do I do?

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  5. I have people waiting downstairs for me and I have to run but the last chapter of "Back from the Looking Glass" will tell you exactly what you need to do now. I will post again in about 15 hours time when I am back ...

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  6. Hi desperate and isolated,
    Don't be intimidated for confideing in others. You have a right to discuss the things that effect you with whomever you want. He can accuse you of betrayal but you don't have to feel guilty.
    I've experienced my husband getting more obsessive when I distance myself but like Kim says there is a chapter in her book that will send him on his way and free you. He won't let go of blameing you about talking to others because he knows it intimidates you and that you believe him. If you continue to confide in the right people. Police, minister,people he respects, he will eventually realize you are not going to protect him from his bad behavior and he will stop blameing you because it does not silence you anymore. You don't have to suffer in silence! The longer you do the less he will respect you. You don't have to tell everyone and they're brother , just key people that can help you. and read Back from the looking ,it'll help you figure out how to talk to people effectively. Take care, Theresa

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  7. Thank you Kim for your site. My situation is complex, my husband is having an emotional affair with a woman who I had identified as having NPD. He is in a relationship with this woman and her husband does nothing but stand by and watch. I now believe my own husband has NPD from reading the experiences of other people on this site. I have separated myself from this trio and am trying to work on just my husband and my relationship. I feel so desperate as he thinks its my problem not liking his friends but all I can see is he is locked into a control bubble. We have been married for over 40 years and I just dont know what to do. My children are supportive but they find their father's behaviour unbelievable. He even flirted with this woman in front of them I was so humiliated. Is there anyone out there who has been in the same situation. Why dosnt this woman's husband do something.

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  8. Hi desperate and isolated and anonymous,

    I am sorry I didn't get back to - I saw that Theresa had responded and I agree with her completely. I you have any problem getting our books please let me know.

    To anon June 13th - I know this situation must be so painful for you now. Unfortunately there is not an easy answer except that this woman probably treats her husband as badly as your husband treats you and he probably has no idea what to do.

    Ther is a radio show (and transcript)that I think you may get a lot out of here;

    Who will they turn to?

    http://www.globaltalkradio.com/shows/lovesafetynet/program4.php

    I also recommend that you look at "Back from the Looking Glass" and The Love Safety net Workbook and especially the personal bill of rights exercise in the workbook which I believe may really help you now. I am trying to make more time now for answering questions here as well.

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  9. I have just found your site and have been reading and trying to digest. I have been married for 15 years to my husband who behaves in true parasitic fashion. I don't know if I care enough any longer to make a go of our marriage but your information is food for thought.

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  10. Kim -- I've been reading and buying your information for awhile now, and find it quite helpful (esp. the e-books and CDs). But I think I've just discovered that my husband is both a narcissist and a "geek" (as you put it); that is, I have been confusing Asperger's with narcissism. This turns out to be easy to do, as Asperger's can make a person act distant and abusively, although for different reasons. Would like to share more with you on this, as I've now done a lot of reading plus journal-writing to document behaviors. Is there a better format for communicating with you? Kate

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  11. Hi Kate,

    If you write here on the post "Narcissism and geeks" I am sure a lot of people would be interested to hear your ideas and I will always try and get back to you, otherwise you can contact our help desk at;

    info@narcissismsupport.com and ask about our personal mentoring program.

    I agree entirely that these two conditions can be confused and if you haven't seen it yet you will probably enjoy the short movie at the narcissism and geeks post.

    I should do a whole new site on curing aspergers (LOL) because I have symptoms of it as does my son (who has been diagnosed) and both of us have got MUCH better. An alkaline diet and fish oil every day is a great start but really the bedrock diet is best. Learning to cut open the coconuts and make kefir from the juice is the hardest part but once you have that the rest is easier. I never did full bedrock but I do follow many of their principles and I have seen children fully recovered from severe autism with this protocal.

    The other suggestion I would make are the aduio products here:

    http://www.wellnessaudio.com/pre-launch-special.html

    Which help tremendously with anxiety. If you can understand that Asperger's is primarily anxiety at a very physical level you will have a better understanding than most people. The obssessive behaviour is in fact a hiding place.

    I hope that you enjoy my movie (-:

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  12. I wanted to comment on the "right to talk to other people about what's affecting me" philosophy, from my own experience. I also remember reading similar advice on this from you, Kim, and I think I'm starting to grasp it a bit better. Maybe you can elaborate?

    I doubt there are too many people who have subscribed to the "debriefing" ideal more than I have. I have talked and talked about my problems..romantic relationship problems, child-rearing problems, work problems, and on and on. I did this with people I felt were appropriate, and believed that I was helping myself by blowing off steam, and that I would find answers from the friends/family I was dumping my experiences on. I'm sure there were instances where this was true, but the majority of the time I was simply looking for sympathy and maybe for other people to fix my problems for me.

    I'm starting to see that in the long-term, I've been alienating the people close to me because I kept dragging them onto the same merry-go-around, and wow, living my trauma over and over with no way to take me out of it must have been draining for them. I'm not beating myself up for this, by the way, simply seeing that it wasn't helping me the way I hoped it would. I think that the most difficult obstacle for me against realizing this, was that my own, personal narcissist kept pointing this out to me, (none too kindly, of course, and mainly to protect his own "image"), but I had to recognize that I was indeed stuck.

    Your advice about self-soothing is so refreshing, and it is an incredibly empowering thing to put into practice. Don't get me wrong, I definitely believe in learning from other people's experiences, and in seeking professional help, (while being cautious even with them and listening to my own heart above all else). I also believe in not protecting ugly behaviour, but can see that it needs to be exposed in a wise and mature manner, or we can lose the support that is available to us.

    I'm also aware that this is my personal issue, and that for someone else, talking about the chaos and destruction in their home life may be something they have never done, and I hope anyone like that would choose to reach out to someone safe. I just know that I really went overboard, and now see how important balance is.

    I'm also curious, Kim, about how you maintained the ability to never tell Steve that you wanted to leave in the middle of a horrible moment with him. You strongly advocate not telling our partner that, but did you ever feel like leaving at times, even after you had committed to sticking it out with him? Did that slip out once in awhile during a weak moment? I've been so exhausted and over-whelmed the last few weeks, and I find myself feeling like giving up and saying that to him when I'm really upset. I then wonder if I've lost a lot of ground in the improvements that have been happening. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself?

    Anyway, I have sort of rambled on here, but hope to hear from you. Thank you for the support :)

    Angela

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  13. I realize I have been codependent and have enabled my husban to take advantage of me. I am seeking to become healthier and stronger. I have days I fall into despair but overall I am a strongly positive person and can usually pull myself out of the depths. I have finally opened up to a couple good friends who are supporting me through this. One area that I would really like to get your feedback on is how to not be taken advantage of, especially since I have been one who always has done the forgiving and the fixing and overlooking. I am trying to be stronger and express my hurts and not allow him to belittle or blame me. However, I don't know how much I should do to be kind and loving without him thinking he is still in control and has the upper hand. I have been told by on counselor (I believe was a Nar herself) that I needed to meet his needs, especially sexually whenever he wanted. This is one place where he has verbally and emotionally battered me. I can barely stand to be touched and I have finally said no. I have communicated that we do not have any kind of emotional relationship and that I am not going to participate in a sexual one until some effort is made to develop some emotional connection. He basically does not care at all about my feelings or anything in my life, other than what serves his needs. Honestly if you told me I needed to continue in this department I would have to decline because it feels like rape and I can not disrespect my own self and body in this way anymore. Since the counsel we got from that Narcisisstic counselor was so destructive because it basically affirmed his behavior and demanded I submit to him, I would really like to know what you think since you really know what being in this abusive place is really like. How do you love and be kind without giving him a sense that he is right and he can continue to manipulate me as he has. What kind of boundaries do I set?

    Hopeful

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  14. Hi everyone and Angela sorry it took so long for me to get back to you. Yes I certainly slipped on that one! I would then later tell Steve that no I wouldn't leave the real him that I know is hurting as much as me and just as scared but that I was forever the enemy of his false pride and arrogance.

    To hopeful, never ever ever let anyone touch you if that doesn't feel right. You have the right to set that boundary certainly. I would not make yourself of sex with you the prize however and I would also not let him get away with pretending you have a problem because you do not want to have sex with him.

    You have a long way to go with this but our two ebooks "Back from the Looking Glass" and "The Love Safety Net Workbook" will help you through.

    Hang in there and keep up the good work!

    Kim cooper
    http://www.fightbusters.com

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  15. I will introduce myself as serious NPD sufferer , who is in the throws of reform.
    These are my thoughts

    A narcissist needs to learn how to get out of thier own shoes and walk in the shoes of the ones he loves. In other words have another persons agenda in mind and help them to live it out and achieve it .This would mean thier lying ,controlling, manipulation , disagreeing and lack of being genuine would disappear. They would then understand that a marriage is easy and this behaviour is contagious , soon they would be loving a person the way they would want to be loved and the contagious nature of this behaviour would mean they would recieve love the way they want.
    It is a massive change to implement upon anyone , especially someone who hides behind false pride.
    I wish you all success.

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  16. I agree, Anonymous! Getting out of your own shoes and into another's might be called 'empathy', but it is also 'humility'. If you can trust that you will learn something by looking at situations through the eyes of another, you are moving away from the prison that is a narcissist's false pride.

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  17. Hi Kim,

    I've been coming back to your site off and on throughout this past year, trying to figure out exactly what's going on with my husband - whether he has NPD or if he's just emotionally and psychologically abusive - and whether this marriage is worth trying to save or not. I just wanted to mention something interesting that I've noticed in myself through this past year. At first, I was very skeptical of "still loving someone that could abuse you"....since the abuse started in spite of my loving him. I was angry and frustrated that I would have to be the one to take the higher road. I was angry that I was going to have to be so attentive to his extreme emotional sensitivities (and essentially walk on eggshells) while he displayed no regard or understanding for me. I've done a lot of work this year, reading self help book after self help book. After reading a book called "Crucial Confrontations", I can now see everything differently. I used to see your efforts as "over-selling a possible wonderful solution that worked for you and Steve" but which certainly couldn't work for everybody and was skeptical. Now I see that what you are giving freely out of your spirit is a philosophy that will simply lay the grounds to be able to discover what is possible in each of our unique personal situations - and avoiding things that are guaranteed to lead to continued pain and problems. That you are sharing a pathway to finding and rebuilding oneself! Whether your spouse responds favorably or not, the steps you outline can only lead to a better future. If I had followed your advice with skepticism in my heart, it would have lead nowhere. Seeing that I need to take action to define myself more strongly in a polite and respectful manner and standing strong while giving my spouse the respect and space that he needs to process all of this is infact the only way to proceed. It will be interesting to see what comes out of all of this - whatever does come out of this certainly can't be any worse than the past few years.

    Thanks for caring so much!

    Lisa

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  18. I just finished reading "Back From The Looking Glass". You words, blogs etc., have been nectar for my soul! I am about to purchase "The Love Safety Workbook".

    For years I have been in a roller coaster of a marriage 14 years and three boys later I have finally gone to enough therapy to realize that my husband is a narcissist. He has ALL of the traits and behaviors of one, textbook case. I am so glad to finally have an answer to his bad behavior. We've been through an affair (and I know there have been more "fantasies", internet crap, etc.) and I have threatened to leave an have left and have kicked him out but now I have come to a crossroads and it all ends in arguments.

    I believe truly, in my heart, that he wants to be healed. He started taking himself to therapy a few months ago but has only gone a few times or more. The fact that he took himself and realized that he had a problem is great. I don't know if he knows that he is a Narcissist and I am not going to tell him right now.

    I am going to heal from my codependent behaviors and put my "big girl panties on". :) I look forward to the support from this community and to be able to report good things in the future.

    -AJ "hopeful"

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  19. It's may sound strange that I say this but I have to thank my husband that I actually found you guys! My husband decide that he would try to help me and figure out what was going through my head. He asked me to do an on-line personality disorder test. I did it to keep the peace and he also decided to do it. The Results I was a mixture of codependent and anxiety and he was high on the schizoid disorder. I read the descriptions and mine was pretty close his just didn't sit right. So I did some research and found a better not exact (because I am not a psychologist and don't want to diagnosis him as he did me) but it is closer then schizoid disorder is. People with this condition are often misdiagnosis as schizoid. What I found was cerebral narcissist, to some it all up is one who believe he is better than everyone because their intelligence rather then their looks (though he is good-looking and can use it when he wants to he uses his intelligence more). Encouraged because I do know there is a good guy in there I continued to search looking for some help and understanding. Disappointed because there is so many that say the only solution is separation. I was beginning to give up hope when I came across you and Steve. You have given me a twinkle of hope and I am hoping for something positive to come from it. The reality is whether I stay with him or separate he will always be in my life because we have children together. I want to be a positive influence for them when I know he struggles to be the role model they need. I look forward to reading your books. Thank you.

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  20. I was not married but with someone I felt a strong connection with and was
    hoping to marry. We dated on and off for 3 years. We both made major
    mistakes. I believe he is a narcissist. The way you described yourself
    in your e-book is how I have behaved - victim, crying, blaming,
    complaining, etc. I lost my self and my goals became less important because
    I was so consumed with getting and keeping his attention. He never
    physically abused me but he can be very mean, cold, and shuts me out. In
    September, after being "off" for a while we reconnected but didn't get back
    together officially. We agreed to take it slow because he was unsure about
    commitment and was trying to figure it out. I agreed to keep seeing him on
    one condition: if either of us met someone we were interested in, we would
    tell the other person. Everything was to be out in the open.

    Things were good for a while until the last few weeks. I noticed he was
    distancing himself. When I confronted him, he said he was taking time to
    think about things. He insisted he was not seeing anyone else. I brought it
    up again and he said that he would be ok ending things because he could not
    handle my complaining but I insisted we keep plugging forward and he
    agreed.

    This weekend I checked his phone and found out he was chasing women when he
    was not with me. This is not the first time I caught him doing something
    like this while we were in contact. He seems to be addicted to picking up
    women. It appears he may have slept with one of them. I confronted him
    and he insisted we end it and I agreed.

    I am very hurt and disgusted by his behaviour but I still love him. Truly,
    I still want to be with him. I feel I didn't
    approach the situation in the correct way to get the result I really want.
    He has admitted to having a hard time letting people get close to him. I
    feel I can help him break down this wall but I am not sure of the action to
    take.

    There are a lot of great tips in your book. We don't live together so I
    think it is going to be a bit more difficult for me since he will not see
    the actions I am taking to make myself stronger. I wanted to ask your
    advice on my situation. Also, he met the girl at the gym. Should I start going there? I didn't before because I didn't want to invade his space but now I feel I need to show him I'm strong and make my presence known.

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  21. Hi Journee - I understand that you still love this man and feel that you may have made some mistakes but you following him to the gym is not going to help. It is very important that you get focused on your own goals now and that if you said you will not tolerate his lying that you stand by that. I think you should also read my post titled the man who won't commit and whose eyes keep straying. You will find it in the index at the top of this page.

    I had 3 kids to Steve and all that I had invested in my relationship. I would suggest that you really get your focus on yourself now and overcoming your own codependence. This will send a strong message and may or may not attract him back to you. He will have the same commitment problems with the new women he meets so you do not need to chase him - instead you need to work on building up your own inner love and inner strength.

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.NarcissismCured.com

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  22. Well, just wanted to share here that I got very scared, which I guess is normal in my situation and ended up writing my own (first?) blog item. Nice if you would read it as I've been looking for a long time for some audience for my ideas.

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  23. Where can I read you blog post?

    Kim Cooper
    www.NarcissismCured.com

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  24. Hello Kim, can I just ask what about if the partner believes he can save me, that he is here to save the world? Does he really believe this or is he just hiding behind the idea to hide his failures? This is at the root of so many of our arguments. He believes no one knows more than him, no one is more perfect than him, no one can help 'make things better' except him. Sometimes I do see the vulnerable side of him but as you say in your book, his lack of trust and his fear or being abandoned... or humiliated is really big. He even intimidates security men in stores but I realise this is because they appear stronger and more responsible than him. Can he get better with my help?

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  25. Hi anon,

    I think your focus really needs to be on strengthening yourself and doing all you can to become as strong and balanced as you can be. Whether he gets better or not this will leave you in a better position to decide what to do. It sounds to me like your partner probably had a parent really feed their ego growing up - but not do much else in the way of what a parent really should. I have been watching how that develops recently in events around me and might write a new blog post soon on how badly we can be damaged by having our egos fed as children that maybe you could get your partner to read.

    Until then all of the steps are there in our books. You are just going to need to really hold tight and be ready when he starts getting scared by the changes!

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.NarcissismCured.com

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  27. Hi Kim,

    I recently purchased your books online and printed them out and bounded them as suggested. Great material by the way. I do have one question however. The book and websites suggest never telling your partner that you believe they are an NPD, which I agree will only enrage them, and have them project that back onto you. Of course the shear definition of a NPD from what I read is that they will never admit they need help or are less than perfect, so will never seek help, which is why as their partners we must be strong enough for the both of us. But the ebooks suggest we work on the book together, so I am wondering how to go about doing that if the book defines NPD as the issue at hand? Additionally, because like most relationships between an NPD and Co-dependent, we are on again off again, so getting their committment to work on it together is half the battle. I do feel hopeful however, because though I have purchased in the past every relationship book under the sun trying to figure out how to be better, I was clueless that I was dealing with NPD (until very recently) and so the game changes by quite a bit once you understand that. I am excited to get started, I am just wondering how do you balance getting your N to work on this with you, so you can both benefit, especially when currently you are off again?

    Thanks for your help!

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  28. Hi Kim
    I just purchased 13 steps towards a peaceful home, and the codependent one. I've read your 'On Ego' article and wow wow wow. I understand absolutely everything about my Narc ex, and now understand when i started to stand up for myself (with the help of a womens charity) and gave him a million boundary changes he flipped and went to a solicitor (relating to contact for our son). He was not able to deal with the amount of responsibility i'd suddenly given him. He has never had any responsibility, i had it all.
    We are meeting on Friday after 10 weeks of 'no contact',i feel so passionate about this topic, and feel that solicitors, womens charities aren't really soothing the problems, just aggrevating them.
    This money spent on these books is the best money i've ever spent! Problem is my family are going to think that I am crazy if I let this man back into my life. I am ready for the biggest challenge of my life, and I won't give up! The mental health situation is at an all time low in the UK, thank you thank you thank you. Thanks a trillion!!!

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