Emotional Security

I have been seeing a lot of very compelling information lately about how we are heading for a very long depression or reccession.

I won't get into my opinions on that here - as that is not the subject of this blog - but I mention this for a very good reason ...

You see this kind of talk used to scare me much more than it does now.

Don't get me wrong Steve and I are still far from rich and the reason I feel more relaxed about the future (whatever it brings) has nothing to do with money at all.

The fact is I think a lot of families are living their lives inside out.

Steve and I used to be the same...

We had lots of parties and knew lots of people (most of which we really had little in common with) and gave most of our best to the outside world rather than to each other or our kids.

Just recently it has really hit home with me how much that has changed.

We never have parties anymore and socialize far less. We also spend a lot more time at home.

This may sound like we have become boring, but I think it is actually the opposite. You see every night now Steve or myself reads to the kids and we are all spending much more time enjoying each others company.

We fight less with the kids (and hardly ever with each other) and if there is conflict is is always constructive.

The friends we do have now are more like family and are people we genuinely feel attached to and who share our values and interests.

Can you see why the future feels more secure for me now?

Because we need less (and can count on each other more) and we regularly work as a team, I know that whatever the future holds we will be OK.

I decided 3 years ago now that the best investment I could make was becoming an expert in emotional intelligence. I may still not be an expert but I can truly say that despite the troubles we still face that investment has really paid off.

Now I am not saying everything is rosey, this year has in fact been one of the hardest I have ever faced in business. I have had a long running dispute which has only just been settled, our advertsing costs have risen through the roof and more and more people are wanting our material for free.

So our life has been far from easy or perfect. The outside world has now even become more hostile than it was before I would say. I think it was always true though and before I was a bit of a babe in the woods.

So do you see how I mean a family can be inside out?

Like the song that Elton John first wrote for Marylin Monroe and then dedicated to Princess Diana "Candle in the Wind".

Steve and I were once a bit like that too. But now 'when the rain sets in' we know exactly where home is and the fire is already burning bright in the hearth.

If you are nervous about your finacial future and wondering whether to buy or sell or what to invest in - please first let me make one suggestion ...

If you haven't already please consider purchasing our Love Safety Net Workbook.

The exercises are not easy but will certainly help you find the security that Steve and I have found - regardless of your financial situation.

Hang in there!

Kim Cooper
http://www.narcissismcured.com

45 comments:

  1. We were getting maaried June 26. The counselor suggested separation(he was not at that session). I shared the info with him the next day. He left that night & went to his son's an hr away. It was that evening, watching Criminal Minds, I learned about NPD...never heard of it. Boy, did it answer lots of questions...too late tho. There too much here for a comment. I believe things happen for a reason....the reason will be my book:)I think what you guys are doung is great!! Michelle

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  2. I can't help but feel manipulated so that if I don't purchase your materials then my emotional security is at stake. (The real truth MUST be that your emotional security is failing...if I do not make a purchase.)

    This is NOT true and IS at the root of dysfunctionality. To realize my personal right, freedom and responsibility to make choices that empower my personal health while respecting your responsibility for your ownself. This is true health. Take the maniputation out of your website and you will have much more success.

    Also search out "The Blessing of Abraham" and you will find the only place for real security...eternal security. This is a Biblical thing. If one builds a life NOT on the Rock and Truth of the Messiah...that is insecurity! I pray the Blessing of God which is first given to Abraham on you all. This is the key to and IS real security...NOT money and financial things!

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  3. Hi Everyone reading here (-: Michelle, I am sorry to hear your sad news, it seems that counselours are good at recommending seperation. I believe that understanding the dynamics of a person with the symptoms NPD will be important for you still however because unfortunately seperation can make things even worse if you are not careful. Swallowing your pride and letting him pretend it was his idea to leave may help him let the fight go and not keep wanting to retaliate. But you may find that learning the skills we offer is even more important now - if the fight continues or you want to make sure you don't end up in this type of relationship again.

    To anon May 29th, I am sorry you feel the way you do about my last post - but I really don't belive that is what I was trying to say. I know that there are many healthy families that already know these skills and I would never suggest that our material is the only way to learn emotional intelligence or for a person to find security.

    On religion I would like to share that just like praying won't teach you to drive a car, these problems are similar. We are here to learn and develop our character and that is something which sometimes comes with trials and tribulation.

    When I was stuck looking for answers I found an angel in the form of a friendly local policeman who had the experience to help me. He taught me a lot of what I offer now - and a lot of it we offer now on free sites like this.

    We are not a charity however and DO need to eat and what you are calling manipulation I would instead call sales copy! If you are not interested in our ebooks I am certainly not saying that you will not be secure without them! What I AM saying is that if you are needing help with these problems we are here and committed to being of service.

    Hang in there,

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  4. Kim, Thanks for sharing. I do feel for you that a lot of people misunderstand what you are trying to do and accuse you of being manipulative or just wanting sales.

    I really do like your materials and message. I think my problem is that even being emotionally secure and healthy does not change my partner's behaviour and the entire family suffers due to his moods. I don't know why Steve started to change - are there different types of narcissists and different factors that shape abusers? Are some more prone to change? Is it wiser sometimes to separate before the damage to kids become irreversible and patterns get recyled in the next generation?

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  5. Keep going, don't listen to the negativity. I am sick of people shoving their "messiah" down everyone's throat. You are right about what you say. Charge for your stuff and don't look back. Whoever doesn't like it can go and do their own research and spend a LOT MORE MONEY than you are charging. No one is doing what you two are doing. Everyone out there says there is nothing you can do about NPD but you are proving them wrong. ROCK ON and forget all the haters!!! LOVE and PEACE to you both. xoxoxoxoxox

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  6. A well thought-out piece and I am happy for you that you have found peace within your home and family. In the end, our family and friends are what are important. I do hope that you retain an active interest in your friends and have not limited your scope of socialization to only your immediate family. This, too, would not be entirely healthy.

    I have commented here in the past and did cite my own example of why separation in some cases is very important for survival. While many of the things you espouse are true and will help individuals become stronger, it is not true that separation always makes things worse. True, the process of separation can be very painful. However, the rewards can far exceed the pain. Staying in a dysfunctional relationship with a person with NPD is not always the answer. Yes, we need to learn better skills. Yes, we need to grow. But, the thrust of much of your material that pushes people to stay within these broken relationships can, in some instances such as mine, be like sentencing someone to a slow and painful death.

    I am happy for you that your approaches worked for you. I can say, however, with all the certainty that my own one-off experience can bring, and that of some others who went through similar circumstances, that separating was the right thing. The only thing I would change if I could role the clock back was to do it sooner and with greater confidence.

    I hope your business continues to succeed. I am sure there are many who will take heart in what you do and will find help along the way. Please, though, do not discount the need for some to face the pain and undertake a separation as soon as possible. There is no one answer that will work in all situations.

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  7. Hi everyone, and thanks for the understanding and encouargement. To anaon who asks if it is wiser to seperate. Only you know that and "Back from the Looking Glass" also gives advice on how you might do that safely. The problem is that divorce is often not the simple solution people pretend it is. If you divorce and the conflict continues - statistically this is the most dangerous out come for your children.

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  8. Kim & Steve-I agree that no-one is doing what you are doing, and that verbal abusers who may not fall under the full NPD profile, but have some chacteristics (or were brought up by a narcissist) can also use these techiques. I am impressed by Steve's ability to put his ego aside to admit "where he was at" which most men would not dream of for love or money....and to Kim who had the unbelievable guts to overlook what must have been her extreme hurt by Steve's behaviour to make a connection that got his attention and made him know he could not lose this woman and his family. Kudos to both of you! I have been involved with a man for 23 years who can be verbally abusive and manipulative. (I no longer live with him) It takes a lot of moxy to not just react, or get hurt, or build up walls. I think many of us are afraid to find out if we could accomplish what Kim did, or whether our damaged partner would rather leave than fight for the relationship or face their demons. Or whether we could have her strength and resolve. One question I have for Kim & Steve is...what if you have a non-exsistant family, mostly friends around business that you would not want to involve in personal issues, and his family is headed up by a full fledged NPD, a shell of a mother (NPD'd to death) and a brother just like him. We also have no children together, so that "glue" is not there. What about support in this situation? (Aside from police, I know that one)

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  9. Hi to everyone and first to anon who found a good outcome from seperation.

    I am all for this if it is what feels right for you and we do give advice on this too. All I want to emphasis is it is not the easy answer people pretend it to be (how many times have I heard people say "just" leave as if it was that simple) and if you have children together it is very important that the conflict is still resolved. For myself 4 bad relationships was enough and I was ready to face that my own patterns had a hand in this no matter how painful working through this was.

    My parents also never resolved the conflict between each other and that did influence my decision as I did not want that for my children.

    I really want to emphasis that we do not wish to judge either way but instead offer advice and support on ending the conflict if possible no matter what the outcome of the realtionship. I also know that this is not always possible.

    To anon who has been verbally abused for 23 years. This would be hard to answer here but as you do not live with him now and this has gone on for that long I would highly recommend that you think about the situations this happens in and start preparing yourself in advance. I cannot stress how important this is because in the heat of the moment it will be very hard to react differently if you have not planned and even practiced your new responses.

    My heart goes out to you all and I don't pretend that these ideas are easy or will work for everyone the same as they have for us - but I do hope that you will read all you can and give them a try as I do know they have improved many people's relationships.

    Hang in there,

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  10. Kim and Steve, you are both a beacon of hope! The trouble with narcissism in my view is that there is an underlying hopelessness and despair, a kind of darkness that the narcissistic person feels deep, deep inside and it spreads to everyone around - including family, psychologists and therapists, until everyone believes there is no hope of any change. When someone gets lost in NPD, one of the best tools to reverse the situation and give them back to themselves is hope. Kim, you started to believe change was possible, Steve, you recognised the possibility of change. Now you are providing hope to others to counteract that awful darkness in other people's lives. That takes faith and courage. Well done. Keep it up. Hang in there, you two!!

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  11. I am the one w/ the 23 year relationship that posted yesterday. I should have added that we were together for 8 years umarried which we lived together 2 mostly treated like a queen but saw family issues for sure. Then we married for 8 years, and he changed so quickly after the "I do's" to verbal abuser, it made my head spin! Then we divorced, and ovr time he became so helpful & dependable, I fell for him again, but we have lived in different places and once again, he treated me well up until when I found out he cheated on me 2 years ago, and was seeing this woman in addition to me 4 weeks. First he lied about it, saying it happened when our marriage first split up when we weren't together. Today I found out the truth. Kim, how did you put up with all the lies? How could you feel safe with somone so selfish that they can only see what they are going to get out of something? (no offense Steve)I of course wonder what other lies have been told.He says it was a bad experience and that he regreted it & will never do it again. Meanwhile, I am 55 years old & am really wondering about my choices. I do not have much of a support network, and he will not go to a therapist or church. Any ideas? Preparing good advice 4 sure.

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  12. Hi All,

    New blogger here ~ it took me all my life to realize what has been shaping my world.. From father, to boyfriends, to husband, to significant other... wow!! With all the therapists I've seen, you might have expected we would have put all the pieces together and figured it out long by now. Well, better late than never. I feel great just knowing what I've been dealing with. NARCISSISTS. I realize now, that I keep finding them. Now I'm learning to deal with it/them.. TBC (to be continued) Happy Memorial Day to all of you that celebrate! We have a lot of things in life to be thankful for ~ including Kim and Steve.. cheers!! JBA from the US

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  13. Hey all,
    Ive found Kim and Steve to be generous and honest, perhaps too giving in theyre quest to enlighted so many lost souls. Most people havnt figured out how to do the work that they love. Bravo to Kim who has figured this out.

    If people find what they are looking for here thats great. If they don't they have the freedom to move on from this website. It's perfectly exceptable to sell your products on your own website. Thats not manipulative.

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  14. Kim,
    I tried to make a relationship work with a narcissistic man for 4 years. He talked about marriage often during that time but he never took any concrete steps toward that goal. We saw each other rather rarely. I think I gave him the impression that I'd stay even at the cost of years of my time and no progress towards marriage.
    I broke it off with him after not seeing him for months and gently told him I had met someone else while traveling. He called back after several weeks and became enraged and verbally abusive.
    I am normally am pretty balanced but he happened to call right after I heard some bad news, was unusually grumpy and I decided to assert myself. The combination was fatal to even keeping a friendship and I now feel that I have an enemy instead of the man I hoped to marry.
    So if you want to separate peacefully from a narcissist- don't talk to them until you're in top form and know what you're going to say- because who needs an enemy.

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  15. Hi Everyone and thanks so much for all of the postive stuff - I really appreciate it (-:

    To anon in the 23 year relationship. When it came to the lies with Steve personally I really wanted to know the truth. I didn't have the money for a PI and so I did a lot of investigation work myself.

    THis mean I was suddenly out of the dark and knew exactly what I was dealing with.

    This information gave me a much better idea of who Steve was and what he was dealing with - like at work where he had told me everyone loved him he was on the verge of being sacked.

    I didn't rub his face in any of it too much but in our case I did make sure it was going to stop. The personal bill of rights exercise in the Love Safety Net Workbook is exactly what I did!

    It is a tough situation you are in - when you are not living together and they are not dependent on you it can be difficult to set boundaries without them just running away but I still think our workbook would give you tons of practical advise.

    Hang in there!

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  16. Hi, I found what the religious person said about manipulative was interesting - mainly because its a good thing to be challenged. I think how Kim answered is an example of the skills at work, respectful but clear at the same time.
    So, I'd like to suggest that this is the style to learn from, and NOT the style that says: ............
    "Keep going, don't listen to the negativity. I am sick of people shoving their "messiah" down everyone's throat. You are right about what you say. Charge for your stuff and don't look back. Whoever doesn't like it can go and do....." etc. This is the style that just keeps the pendulum swinging back and forth - this one good, that one bad etc....
    We need to grow into being 'senior diplomats' aka emotional intelligence and basic kindness, if we are to make prograss as the human race. IMO!

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  17. I would like to comment on the post stating that you and Steve are trying to manipulate your readers. I have been a member of your website for the past three years when your products were either free or extemely affordable. I can not put a price on inforrmation and education that would lead one to a greater awareness of their circumstances. I can not repay Kim and Steve for the knowledge that they have brought to me. Everyone's circumstances are differnt, they are not miracle workers, but people who have lived what they are offering. If you are at this website, you are clearly seeking some sort of help or advise regarding your issues. It is troubling to thwart attempts to help others by quoting biblical sources prefaced with negativity. I appalled Kim and Steve for their courage to help others and to limit the pain and suffering that they endured. Those that are here must look beyond the negative post of others and use the wisdom and courage that brought them here in the first place.
    Thank you Kim and Steve and continued success!
    Latonia

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  18. Hi Steve & Kim
    Im happy that it worked for the both of you. I agree with one of the posting, narcissism comes in different forms. I was only married for three years and Im getting a divorce. That three years was the worst time of my life. I never met anybody like him in my life. I felt like at went to the pit of hell dealing with this man. My marriage was a lie based on a dream, when I woke up I was severly damaged by this man cheating and lies. This man charm was captivating. I thought I had the best husband in the world, little did I know that he would try to destroy me mentally and emotionally. Im 52 years old and life is to be lived to the fullest. I don't have the time to be a person that lives their life trying to make him better. It was your website that gave me the information I needed to end this nightmare for me. Narcissim is a serious disease that affects everybody involved. Im blessed to be apart from him for good. He doesn't bother me and he's using his charm on someone else. I wish him nothing but the best for him. Anybody dealing with NPD make the best decision that works for you and only you.

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    1. In response to 'I'm happy it worked out for both of you".....I too married a very charming man who was incredibly wonderful before marriage...the day after marriage he was a completely different man (I'll spare the details). I did a bit of research and found out that there is a behavior in some men that seems completely unexplainable. Makes you head spin, Yes! The most important lesson I had to learn was to not take it personally. The behavior was about him, not me. And thank you Kim and Steve. I am still learning an growing and have not become bitter to love.

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  19. Hi to everyone and to anon June 1st,

    I couldn't agree with you more and I am so glad that our information helped you get free of him and get some kind of closure!

    Just because I decided I was going to see it through with Steve does not mean that is possible or the right decision for everyone.

    What is important is you getting the strength and clarity to see what their game is and make the right choices for yourself.

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  20. Hello Kim and Steve< i am loving your materials and they are teaching me so much..as well as knowing that I am not alone in this. The verbal and emotional abuse from my husband of 7 years has turned me into a different person..no self esteem-so much fears-depressed-feeling so worthless and always walking on eggshells so as not to make him mad :( I'm 45 years old and have become afraid that I'm too old to start over. We have 2 small children and I am afraid of the life I have allowed for us and the damage to them as well. My husband is the BOSS. It is his way or the highway..he keeps kicking me out and telling me he doesn't want me any time there is a threat to him not having his way..I'm not even allowed to talk about something unless he lets me..he's so mean and cruel..he can't even speak kindly to me, but charms everyone else..I have no rights and can't believe that I've even arrived at this place.I use to be somewhat pretty, but I am just so beaten down now and it shows :( I used to be vibrant and fun ect. I'm praying so much but I also know that God gives us what we need to do the work..God uses people to help us many times and I'm far from having the strength to be where I need to be but you are giving me knowledge, hope and not having to feel so alone..I thank you so much. Jamie

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  21. Listen up people. Kim knows what she is talking about. Whether you & your partner stay together, or one of you leaves, WORKING ON YOUR OWN STUFF, is what will make the difference in your life. Your partner is just a reflection of you - much more of a likeness than your ego will let you realise at first.

    It's whats going on inside YOU that will bring out the qualities in those around you. So whether it's a current partner, or a prospective new one, who are YOU going to BECOME in order to create an amazing, awesome (insert any word that means something to you) wonderful life?

    I'm not one of Kim's friends - I've never even met her. I've just been smart enough to pay attention and do the work. And for Kim sharing her knowledge & the fruits of her labour, I am eternally grateful. xx

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  22. I am a man who reads your blog and has bought a book. I have worked on myself for years with some good success... However, there is a deep sense of hope and spirituality I get from reading what you write Kim. It helps me go on when I think I can't. There is something in your work that changes my soul. Thank you.

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  23. Kim; I have been a fan of yours for a few months now. I can't tell you what your story has done for me. When I read this I feel that there is hope where few have offered this before. My story is perhaps one of the most difficult you may have encountered yet.

    Dated for 4 years to my future husband (rocky relationship).
    Married at 31 years old (he was 30).
    Now married 19 years.
    When our 1st child was 2 years old, my husband confessed an affair but said that it was over.
    Two months later, my father was killed.
    6months later my mother died of a heart attack.
    3 months after this I am pregnant with our 2nd.
    9 months later I discover another woman who he claimed was just a friend.

    At one point I continued to ask him where he was going and what he was doing (not being able to trust him of course) He then approached me with a statement that he wanted a divorce. I said that I would not be in favor of that, asked him to consider staying but mostly just ignored it and it never came up again.

    Now married 19 years and he has had at least two affairs.

    6 months ago when I just stopped being intimate but still tried to connect with him, he actually 'came around' because I turned the other way and he followed!
    However, I recently found that he was continuing to phone a woman who he had an affair with in the past. Claiming that she is just a friend, he refuses to stop communicating with her and won't let me see his texts. I have said that if she is just a friend, let me be friends with her as well.

    Although he is a good provider and works for an insurance company, he is a classic Narcissist and has a very low self esteem. I think he needs women to build his ego. He has said that he is more a father figure to this current one than anything else. (So we should adopt her then, she is 20 years younger than he)

    I have a small business but have been able to be a strong contributor within the family.
    Many have just said I should divorce and walk away. I have lived through so much that I feel that I would love this story to have a better ending than that.

    After reading your liturature, I have been much more able to see that this is not about me. He has tried in the past to put me down. I went through the walking on eggshell routine, his loud,abusive behavior and have lived to tell about it. Now when he raises his voice, I keep my composure and either respond firmly yet with control or just walk away.

    Because I decided to withold intimace again, he is not speaking to me (2 weeks now) anymore and is angry. I continue going about my routine and ask him to participate when he can. I now have one child at home, a teen who I love doing things with. The other is away at college.) I am communicative to my husband but he is just determined to punish me, yet, I have been here before and am not easily put down any more. This confuses him.

    He may just leave this time and this would hurt me a great deal because I have always believed that staying together as a family is the best direction.

    My question now is should I keep trying to connect with him or should I just turn the other direction and completely ignore him while he is communicating with this other woman?

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  24. Hi everyone and to Jamie,

    Please subscribe to our main site where
    you will be offered a discount on "Back from the Looking Glass" and "The Love Saftey Net Workbook" together as a package. These are the books you will need. Thanks to everyone else for your wisdom and kind words and to anon June 8, please check out the radio show of ours (or read the written transcript) called who will they turn to HERE:

    http://www.globaltalkradio.com/shows/lovesafetynet/program4.php

    Hang in there!

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  25. hi I have recently separated from my husband of 26 years. we have 4 adult children. some still living at home. i spent my entire married life waiting for my husband. he would be missing never answer his phone and alcohol was a big factor in his life. he got involved in a major project which meant he was financially unable to provide for his family. the straw that broke the camels back was that he had an affair with another woman that had gone on for years. he refused to stop seeing this woman and i finally had to get out to save my sanity as i refuse to share him with anotheer woman. since we separated he has got back on trackin some ways. the affair has appeared to end and he says it has and he has worked hard at being a good father and treated me with respect which is great. i have benefitted well from counselling and have recognised my codependant behaviour and am healing well. i see my husband nearly everyday. he no longer means so much to me and really he meant too much. now its just like he has become the weak one and i am gathering power and strenght. i have too much respect for him to do anything to hurt him and i dont feel angry or bitter. i have great peace and it reflects on family who are responding well to me. question is how do i go forward from here.

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  26. Hi Everyone and to Naomi,

    Congratulations on having done so much growing up! I guess the question now is what you want and you being very clear about that and also setting goals for your husband that keep him challenged.

    There is a radio show (and transcript of the show) Steve and I did on this subject here:

    http://www.globaltalkradio.com/shows/lovesafetynet/program23.php

    Called the Power of Love Part 2.

    There is also a lot more on this in the Last chapter of "The Love Safety Net Workbook"

    Let us know how you get on!

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  27. Oh Naomi,
    I so relate to your story. The fact that you have to see him daily and recognize that he meant too much is such a rude awakening but necessary to get on with your own life. My husbands ability to effect my emotions had to change too or I would have been destroyed. In my case when I stopped putting all my energy into him and started takeing care of myself I stopped going down the crazy path and now he doesnt have my support in his self destructive life. He is completely insane at the moment but I have learned to let go. It hurts tremendously, like amputating my own leg with a hacksaw, but I want to live. He seems to have a death wish. He looks pitiful to me now but he swears he is having the time of his life. Like you I don't feel vindictive or angry I don't want to hurt him. He is doing a good job of that himself. I'm grateful that I know whats going on and not in the dark so that I can make good decisions for myself and my kids. Sounds like you are doing so well. take care and good luck, Theresa

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  28. Jamie's story so closely mimics mine that it is scary, except that we don't have children together, just pets. My husband has used threats to kill my cats to make me do or not do things that go against my better judgement. He has filed for divorce for the 2nd time and shows no sign of giving ground this time. Like Jamie, at 48, I have no interest in starting over or looking elsewhere. We even plan to continue living together after the divorce. The divorce is his way of controling access to his assets to keep from sharing anything with me, except on his terms. Also, he owns a home-based business where I used to work in the office up until he filed for divorce this time. I went to the office one Sat. morning to find the computer gone and when I confronted him, I was told I had been fired and my replacement was a woman that has a long history of getting in between the two of us and competing with me for his attention. He would loose face and look like a fool in this woman's eyes if he backed off on the divorce at this point, so I see no way to avoid it.

    I have bought the Looking Glass and workbook. I am trying to learn to greet him in a pleasant way and not to snap back when I see him digging in and resisting any consideration of my point of view; however, I still see no sign of him ever being able to acknowledge my point of view or compromise on points of difference. I have only discovered your material since I learned of my firing and the divorce proceedings. Wish I had had it 5 or even better, 8 years ago. The positive change that I have seen so far is that we are back sharing a bedroom for the first time in years and having relations on a regular basis that are actually pleasant instead mechanical and duty bound. He is still very mentally rigid and I maintain peace by avoiding certain subjects that need to be discussed. If I start to talk about certain things, I'm accused of starting a fight, even if I approach him in a calm and soft spoken manner. Is there a chance that things will continue to improve? Will he become more open to hearing my side as time goes on? I know we are both very over-sensitive because of all the years of fighting at this point. Sometimes I feel like he has toned things down hoping I will go easier on him financially during the divorce and he will go back to playing the real hardball once the lawyers have exited the picture. I moved into his world when we married, and I've never been allowed to feel like I have a real home here.

    He is definitely the BOSS with the business and the "Bible says" he makes all decision in the home. I feel I have lost all control over my life and don't know what's next. Lmm

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    1. I would just like to share that after choosing 2 different NPD men to marry and now divorced I have not lost the faith that I am worth having a healthy relationship. Starting over and looking elsewhere is scary but in time it is so important to accept love into our lives....and not feel bad about the past. It is not a failure, but a healthy choice. I too gave it my all and more. Now it is time for me to feel peace. Thank you K&S for all you do to help everyone who is searching for answers. I still read everything and have some of your publications. I know it is necessary for me to absorb what you have to say, so I will not fall into the same trap again.

      Delete
  29. Hi Everyone and to LMM and Jamie,

    I am so glad you have both found us and I can't tell you how important working through our ebooks will be for you both right now. This is not an easy journey but it is a very rewarding and liberating one and there are lots of people here who both understand and care.

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  30. To Anonymous (May 29 - The Blessings of Abraham)

    There is a difference between "feeling manipulated" and "actually being manipulated".
    I don't believe that Kim is manipulating anyone to buy her products and she is quite entitled to sell her products just as much as any other producer of goods or services. Ultimately it is your choice whether or not you purchase any of her publications or audios, and therefore you need not "feel manipulated". Kim also has copious amounts of written and audio material and radio shows available for FREE to anyone, and maybe only God knows how much of her time she has given for FREE to those who are in desperate need of her help. Kim has given help and hope to countless despairing people who have been lost in confusion and oppression - and that is the greatest gift one human being can ever give another human being - and an even greater gift to rebuild love, safety and attachment within marriages, families and relationships.

    If you are troubled, maybe the God of your understanding has brought you here to this website for a reason - maybe you might reach a new level of understanding (in addition to your Faith) if you were to read or listen to at least all of what Kim offers for FREE - just doing that much will keep you busy for quite a long time! and by the time you have got to the end of what is currently available then Kim will have produced more material for FREE! I find it amazing and extremely generous of Kim to offer so much without payment and to charge only for a small range of products she releases - she does have bills to pay and a family to support and that can only be done with an income from her work - which is what she has dedicated herself here to do for the benefit of people like me and many others.

    CD, Australia.

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  31. Where do I begin.......recently married this past January and life is not very happy for me nor my children right now. There is something wrong with my husband and not sure what it really is. Maybe ADHD, Bipolar, NPD, Depression or just a jerk. Anywho, never have a been treated so disrespectful in my life, would rather be with a physical abuser than this. Never know when he is in a bad mood, what he is going to complain about, who it will be directed towards, keeps being so negative about everything and it is always someone else's fault. How can someone be so self-centered? Help! At my wits end!

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  32. Anonymous - I hear you. It's 10 years later for me. He is still just as self-centered as he was the day he began showing me this side of himself...maybe worse since I have tried to "buy" his love by doing the things I know he wants/enjoys. This only leads to a bitter fight in the end as I never live up to his sense of entitlement/fantasy....and I am disillusioned.

    I need to take care of me. Every time I get to a place of strength, I seem to fall back into old patterns...meaning, I am "nice" again in a way that is unhealthy. It's scary that I don't even recognize it as unhealthy at the time, only believing I am trying to love my husband.

    I need to stay close to God and pray. To love my husband will mean different things at different times and only by seeking His guidance and wisdom will I know what to do.

    I am tired and heartbroken. But I do know that I am in this situation for a reason. I don't know how it will all turn out but I want to grow in the process.

    Take care,
    A.

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  33. Hi Anon June 14th and 20th - I know exactly how you both feel and hope you will look at what we have to offer as it is especially designed to help you.

    Our ideas are not easy but I get about 3 testimonials a day now saying that our ideas have helped. This is your life and if you want it to improve you need to take charge!

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  34. Hi there. I'm new to the site. Finding it interesting. Can't say that I agree with everything. I have been married to a NPD for 22 years and I can honestly say, from my experience they DO NOT change. My soon to ex husband actually thrives on his control and cruelty. You can actually see it in his face when he puts on his mocking smile. I left him nearly 2 years ago (4th separation), and he proceeds to move around the corner from me (60 seconds walk away), and naturally says it was the only place in the whole town that he could find to rent. He actually gets crueller as he gets older. My second daughter bought a car from him about a month ago for $12,000 and she approached him about 3 weeks ago for the car and he refuses to hand the car over or sign it to her name which has left her devastated and now very angry. We now have to go through the police. The same day this happened (in the morning) my eldest daughter who is now 21 and lived around the corner from him had her boyfriend stay overnight at HER place. My husband saw his car there and he stood in her front yard and yelling out to her to come down. She comes down half asleep wondering what's happening and he called her a "w.....e"., and said that everything inside of him should slap her right now. She was so embarassed. I have approached his church for help and they refuse as he hides that side of himself. He disgusts me. My favourite saying is "YOU ARE A MALE BY BIRTH, BUT YOU ARE A MAN BY CHOICE". I plan to move further south around Christmas time after I divorce and I pray with everything inside of me that I never see his face again. G (Australia)

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  35. I married this man october 17th of 2008, Jan of 2010, I caught him chatting in a black chat screen which I know has to be a kind of sex chat screen, he lied to me about what he was doing. I found on his computer a list of websites relating to crossdressing/transgender. Finally in a battle in march of this yr, he did admit that what turned him on was she-males. Earlier in the relationship, we lived together 8 months before we married, not remembering if it was before or after we married he asked me at least twice if we had the money would WE have sex changes done. Well, fights then calm then fights (going to church and letting God works helps alot but this narcissism is hard to beat regardless) especially when somethings are so ingrained in this people they dont wanna acknowledge anything is wrong with their thinking. They are the ones normal, not us normal thinking people. This is the third marriage for us both, never have I encountered a man such as this. Fact is, I really fell in love with a church going, drummer in a praise band who IS NOT who he protrays himself to be in public. Being the 3rd marriage for him, the first ex lives in this town, I finally believe she is not the crazy one as he has made everyone believe. Tomorrow we are going to a counseling session, (which was set up before I found this website and all its wealth of information). His idea is that he dont understand my way of thinking and why I keep bringing up everything, well, thats his mindset. I had started a conversation about setting boundaries for this marriage, of course I was accusing him again and the fight started all over. I wont even shower in front of him anymore cuz I am wondering in my own mind if he's getting turned on by the images in his head or wishing I had a penis. Oh what these men do to their women, all in the name of love. (rolling eyes). Not sure I have the personality or emotional fortitude to put all this into practice, even if I love him deeply, but I question that too since he really isnt the man I fell in love with. Boy, what that co-dependence can get us to do, eh girls? I want this marriage to work, but at the same time, I feel the reality is, being married to a woman is a coverup for what he really wants to be inside. This is all just what church and parents expect him to be. Hard to figure it all out, thing is, I sold my house to give his parents a big down payment for their house of which we moved into a year ago. Have alot invested in this marriage, emotionally and financially. What to do, oh what to do? God Bless you ALL. May the One above hold you in the palm of His Hands as you travel this road we call life.

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  36. Hi anon July 12th,

    Hey at least he has been honest about it with you. I guess that is something.

    One word of advice however and that is boundaries are things you need to DO not talk about! Relationship talk never changed a thing for me it was when I stopped and set real boundaries that the change happened.

    I would ask him to put security software on his computer so you can see what he is up to and if he says no I would say that you really hope you don't need to talk to your church minister because you are worried about him and would like to know that you could trust him.

    I would also make sure you have it legally in writing your share in his parents house. Get your accountant to ring and ask them (and say of course it is just a formality). Also make sure you keep your bank account seperate from his until you know better where you stand. They are scary steps but they are real boundaries! No more talk just action OK? (-:

    Thanks for sharing!

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  37. You both have done the hard work to produce meaningful helpful work. You deserve the financial reward that should go with that unique effort. I hope the rewards come your way.
    With Love from Lu in the UK women's refuge xxx

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  38. Hi Kim, I'm afraid my male friend has NPD, at least a 70% to 80% of the characteristics described. I see my life moving little by little moving out of control too. Which book do you recommend to get first?

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  39. Hi Anonymous, sorry for the delay in responding. The 'Steps to a Peaceful Home' package is the best place to start. These two eBooks give you the practical steps to limit the abuse, and also the workbook to help you map out some of the challenges and strategies needed to make a difference. Go here http://narcissismcured.com/special_offers_hfree.html
    I hope we can help you guys!
    Take care, Steve.

    http://narcissismhelp.com/Narcissism.html

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  40. I loved reading about how you and Steve treasure your homelife and time with your kids. Less fighting, working as a TEAM and genuine friends. Far from boring, it is so beautiful. Im so glad you and Steve were able to keep your family together and value the real and important things in life.

    I have been following your site and receiving your emails for about 3 years now. This is the first time I have posted a comment as there just seems too much to say about my story - everyone has the same story anyway, just differing circumstances. In saying that, your site has been like a lifeline to me (or a lifeboat)lol.

    I was interested to read the comment, "We had lots of parties and knew lots of people (most of which we really had little in common with) and gave most of our best to the outside world rather than to each other or our kids".

    It is truly inside out, giving our best to others before our loved ones.

    I fear my partner engages in Emotional Affairs and because it is not a sexual affair (as far as I know), they justify it by being 'innocent' and I am seen as suspicious and jealous or crazy. When he shares personal & intimate details about the problems in our relationship, I see that as giving the other women 'special status' above me. She is seen as one who 'understands' him, unlike me ... he says I am 'ruled by my ego' ...

    Even though he tries to make me accept it, I cant. I am uncomfortable & uneasy with some of his friendships. I have recently started working on your Workbook and it is very helpful. Great work, guys! I understand it is about Limiting Abuse but it is so difficult when abuse is covert.

    Anyway, I mainly wanted to thank you both and commend you on the excellent work you do. It is true, a lot of information on Narcissim is very hateful and it is a breath of fresh air to find practical & sound advice, based in love. By the way, your whole concept of 'parenting the adult' - ones own self included is brilliant. I parented my son that way when he was little, trouble is, I didnt think I had to do it with adults or myself! Sigh .... :D

    Keep up the great work!

    Angie

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  41. O.K. I am extremely NEW AT this :(, i'm just finding out about my husband, its breaking my heart big time. I am reading all these helpful resources. I am praying for GODS guidance, i love him very much, dont want to end my marriage, trying to get the correct help. also, am very illiterate with the computer,so i am doing the best i can to reach out for help/support. I need to download or buy {$$ tapped out:() the workbook. For now, this is the best way to reach out for help/support. I did try to create my own *link* however, i had a hard time putting in my password etc., it wouldnt accept :(. I will keep trying, thank you...

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  42. Hi anon,

    Please contact our help desk at info@narcissismsupport.com and give them as many details as you can about the problem you are having with the site and I am sure they will help.

    Kim Cooper
    www.NarcissismCured.com

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  43. Kim you are one strong lady. Steve you are one strong fella. You are both an inspiration to me. I don't see your urgings to purchase as any kind of manipulation or pushing sales- you seem to really believe in your mission and I think you're mostly trying to share your enlightenment and hope with others. Of course you want sales, but I don't get the feeling that it's your primary objective. I'm saying no to your products for the moment only b/c I'm in a pretty good place right now and have some other excellent resources and tools that I'm using, and they are working for me. But I am glad to know your resources are there and I've directed others to them. Anyway, thanks so much for sharing the work that you do and endless messages of hope and inspiration!

    ReplyDelete

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