Verbal Abuse - Part 3

Thanks everyone for the great comments on Part 2 - I knew this series would end up as long as a book but your comments make it so much better than a book. What you have to offer is not only interesting but may also help someone else following this blog, so please keep the comments coming. Likewise if you choose to join the Google Friends connect social networking bar on this page you can also make friends and write to each other privately if you wish.

Today's post is on sulking but still comes under the subject of verbal abuse because if you have read the previous articles in this series and begun to try some of the ideas I have offered, you may find that your partner does indeed stop their verbal assault on you but then may shift to a different type of anti social behaviour. A very common one of these is sulking, which can sometimes amount to a kind of punishment they will try and inflict on you for standing up for yourself.

Sulking

I always imagine someone sulking as a giant invisible octopus which is very heavy and dark and which slowly fills up the house with invisible thick yucky ooze. The tentacles of this octopus want to grab you and slowly pull you in and hold you firmly by their side; forcing you to watch them ignore you.

OK so maybe that sounds weird and a bit dramatic but that is exactly how I see it. It is perhaps unfair on octopus however as they just run away from people and are pretty clean where the sulking person isn't. Remember me saying that emotions are contagious? Well the emotion behind sulking is repressed anger and in this way I think sulking and passive aggression are very similar. Likewise this repressed anger can somehow pollute the environment even more than when they were being verbally abusive. I remember times when after 4 or 5 days of Steve sulking I would rather he just got angry.

The atmosphere in the house when someone is sulking is heavy and dark and depressing and there is even a sense of foreboding and humiliation. In short it really stinks! The humiliation and foreboding I believe come from the fact that the sulking person doesn't know how to deal with their rage at being 'put in their place' or having had their attempt to put you down blocked and now they fear releasing their anger because in the past (maybe even from their childhood) how they have dealt with their anger at authority figures (which you are now becoming) has left them humiliated and feeling ashamed of themselves.

So on an unconscious level the solution they are attempting is to provoke you and in this way get the fight they need to get their anger out but blame it on you. It is like they are a pressure cooker filled with anger and they need you to be the release valve because they don't know how to deal with their anger themselves.

For this reason sometimes the fastest way to end someone sulking is to blow up and get mad at them. I am just saying this to be honest, I don't think it is ideal and there are better solutions of course but it is a tactic that can actually avert a worse fight if nothing else comes to hand.

OK so please let me qualify and explain this a bit better ...

Say my son is sulking angrily because he didn't get his way about something but the pressure is on us as we need to get out the door/ or on a plane etc. In this situation there is no time to use better strategies as we are physically needing his assistance and compliance and a quick solution is needed - so what do we do?

The idea that follows comes from Steve Biddhuph's wonderful book called "The Secret of Happy Children" and I do love this when I get it right ...

The plan is to get angry early while you can still make a good show of it and you are still in control of yourself.

When in the mood I particularly like using a pirate voice for this (-:

This is not the same as losing your temper (which I must admit I am still guilty of sometimes with my son), because it comes with a sense of theatre and control that will surprise the person who you direct this at. It is as if the pressure has been let off but you have almost made them laugh and smile in the same moment.

"If you think you are going to get away with mutiny here I will have you hung drawn and quartered and still make you walk the plank!"

If this is said with true anger and a full head of steam but just the slightest hint of smile on your face (like you are truly enjoying yourself) all the better. Kids respond to this kind of show very well. They think "Wow she's tough (and pretty cool!)." It will usually get a bit of a smile even while they are still trying to stay mad at you.

Adults can respond well to this too but may need longer to swallow their false pride, so a surprise eruption and then leaving them a bit of time on their own may work better.

"Your sulking is stinking up this place so bad I can't see straight. If you pull yourself out of your own stinking swamp by the time I get back I might share the ice cream I buy with you! If not I might arrange to have you dumped in the river."

Now if you think I mean saying this 'nicey nicey' you are wrong, you need to make a good show of being truly angry!

Pirate voices may not always be suitable with adults but I hope I have given you the idea. Theatrical - with a surprise element and you totally in control of the 'act'.

Even if you are not able to be so witty and in control, letting the anger come to the surface (as long as you feel safe and are not going to be drawn again into an argument or fight) may quickly end a sulk. Steve and my kids are pretty familiar with this and are not too scared of my "I've had enough and you better watch out" short angry speeches.

My youngest son says I am the dragon that rises from the bottom of the lake to end fights (by perhaps breathing fire?). He admits this was a strange thing to say, but at the time he was trying to figure out which Pokemon card each of us remind him of.

This kind of eruption may also be the time to put the spotlight on the real issue that has so far been avoided ...

"It hurts me to see you flirt with everyone in the room as if I don't exist. I don't know why you are so angry, get over it!"

Again it is probably best if you let the pressure off with this kind of out burst just before leaving the room or the house for awhile and let things cool off. As I have said many times however, please make sure that you let your partner know where you are going and when you will be back and don't stay out all night or use the fight as an excuse to see other friends or go out drinking etc. as this will only make matters worse.

Now these are ideas to think about but really I can't tell you what to do. You are the driver in charge of your life and not me. Only you can see the road ahead of you and only you know what you need. Choose your own words and only take any of the advice I give if it feels right for you and your are ready to take full responsibility for the results. I can't see what you see through your eyes.

In the same way the sulking person really needs to take responsibility for their own anger and unhappiness too and there is a catch 22 here. They are showing clearly that they have a problem, but if you try and help them with it they will say you are interfering and resent you even more.

This is because at the very heart of it, someone who sulks regularly has not fully individuated. Needing you to vent their anger for them makes them a child. Deep down they know this and feel embarrassed about it. Their anger comes from them still feeling a child somewhere inside and feeling controlled and not able to be themselves, but if they blow up in rebellion they know they will appear even more of a child than they already feel, so again it is catch 22.

Sulking is kind of like being tied in a big angry knot.

So the real answer is not in the anger. The sulk needs to individuate and create better boundaries for themselves so they can interact in a more healthy way with the people around them ...

- Does your partner's bad behaviour embarrass you?

- Are you embarrassed about what your parents or children do or say?

These are signs that you too may see your identity mixed up with others and like the sulk, you need to set yourself free. What other people do or say only reflects on themselves and not you. If you keep yourself nice you are unlikely to be judged by any one else's behaviour.

For this reason I have written another article which follows on identity and if you are dealing with a person who is sulking a better option than getting mad might be to print out the article which follows and leave it for them to read. It is at the heart of their double bind and so they might just take it in ...

In this case without 'interfering' you could possibly say ...

"I see that you are angry and I feel for you but I don't really think I should get involved at this stage because you don't look as if you really want to talk. There is something here I liked and that you might want to read however if you feel up to it. I am going to go get some fresh air/sunshine/oranges/cherries/exercise and hope that later if you are feeling better, we might enjoy some time together."

So in this way you show that you care, offer something they can take or leave which they can do for them self but otherwise you are not interfering.

The article I am suggesting for this follows and is called "Identity is Key". Another article I enjoyed on happiness at home and at work which is shorter and simpler and may also work well for this is here;

Happiness at Home and at Work

The other very important thing about sulking is learning to 'clean up' both yourself and also the environment you are in if you pick up this contagion.

Please go back to the first article in this verbal abuse series and read the exercise once more on bringing back your own happiness. This is not a mental exercise that you can simply imagine while you read and then forget and expect it will help you. It is a breathing and visualisation exercise that you need to practice and remember to do when needed. With a sulk in your vicinity that will probably involve you needing to get away from them, if only outside the house or anywhere you can get some fresh air and/or sunshine.

Once you are feeling better, after doing this exercise, and you have your own natural happiness back you may want to tackle the environment around the sulk as well. Open up the windows, clean up any clutter, bring some fresh flowers into the house and put some peaceful and uplifting music on, all the while being vigilant that you don't let their anger 'infect' you again.

It may take a person who habitually sulks some time to bring their talents and skills out into the world. They may need to keep a journal of their life or have time to practice a musical instrument and most importantly this will need to be left to their own timing and speed while it is progressing. Don't resent this time they spend away from you, even if the urge sometimes hits them at times that are inconvenient for you. It is these type of pursuits that will slowly but surely help them individuate and heal.

OK so please read the article which follows on identity now and stay tuned, because in Part 4 I will be dealing with some of the other defences people habitually use when they are scared and avoiding intimacy, such as perfectionism, talking too much or the glazed eyed arrogant 'the lights are on but nobody is home' look.

Hang in there!

Kim Cooper



37 comments:

  1. Hi, Kim,

    I don't think blowing up at my sulking husband will work because he is very sensitive to perceived criticism. Even when I calmly walk away when he raises his voice, he claims I storm off. Although he can raise his voice (and he sometimes apologises) anyone else in the family that does it gets lectured and will never be allowed to forget it.

    Repeating your example of saying "I can see you are getting angry" gets a very angry response from him, like "You think you have a right to judge me!" or "You don't know what
    you are talking about - I am not pouting, I am doing what the psychologist has told me to, which is not get aggressive..."

    Apart from sulking, my husband also ends up crying and dragging his feet around. He really believes he is the victim and has been betrayed by the family because someone reported his abuse and he was arrested, although he has not been convicted and was let off with a good behaviour bond. He thinks we should forgive him and how him grace, but he is continuing to be verbally and emotionally abuse. However, he does not see it and keeps asking for instances. When given them, he defends them, so it is not fruitful to get into discussions with him because they go nowhere.

    I really don't know what to do with his toxicity. He can't live without the family and will not be separated easily (it will get messy with finances as I do not have any)but I have five kids to protect.

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  2. Hi anonymus,

    Your husband sounds like he is very immature.

    I think that you not getting into those type of conversations is very smart as would be you having some very clear goals for yourself that you stay focused on.

    If he is on a good behaviour bond what happens if he breaks it? I belive you are going to need to be very mature and very calm and very well grounded in showing him that he cannot ruffle you but you will call again and report his behaviour without batting an eyelid if his intimidation continues. I remember saying to Steve;

    "I don't know to handle you when you are like this - so I am sorry but if you continue I will need to get he police here to talk to you."

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  3. Thank you, Kim. The good behaviour bond deals with chargeable offences, as well continuing psychologist visits, where he tells his sob stories about the way the rest of the family is treating him.

    I don't know that intimidation is a charge, and how would you prove it to the police? He went berserk when he was first arrested because he thought I had reported him and he still believes that whoever did it was "vulgar" in breaking up the family. I should have got him arrested for breaching bail every time he got intimidating, but friends, pastors and the pscyhologist told me not to involve the police.

    My biggest concern is whether that immaturity can change, and how much of a responsibility we can take when he takes no ownership for it. The kids are livid that his needs always come first, ie. we change our behaviour while he doesn't and is still allowed to live at home. On the other hand, like Steve, he would disintegrate if he were asked to leave because he has invested everything into having a dream family and doesn't see any of his words or actions as abusive, just normal and loving. Also, it comes to a stage that our ability to be strong and love him is compromised when we are constantly under attack and have no opportunity to heal.

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  4. Hi anon,

    I am so saddened by the advice you have been given. It is vital that your husband understand that you WILL call the police and that you WILL do it in a very calm and responsible manner and that you will no longer protect him from the consequences of his own bad behaviour.

    You may also have some luck if you go and speak with the DV officer at your local police station in business hours and let them know that he is breaking his bond and that you will need to report him soon and ask them if before he gets thrown in jail someone will please warn him of the consequences of this continueing?

    All of the process of what you need to do is laid out in "Back from the Looking Glass"

    Hang in there (-:

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  5. I have been reading all this with interest as i wait for my order to arrive from you..Steps to a peaceful home..and cant wait.
    So i have been trying really hard to be the adult and not become a blithering mess when we fight and also to walk away instead of trying to get my point across. Git into a situation the other day where after a lovely morning a simple mistake has catastrophic results.
    Were feeding the ducks, husband and 4 yr old son said they would walk down to the playground down the road and id drive down in the car with the baby.. well i just could not see the car keys for the life of me and it took me a while, when i pulled over i was ordered into the passenger seat and then flung a tirade of abuse at why i took so long... including being stupid, ..you should see him go cos he will then put down my family say we are all stupid and dizzy etc... he is yelling and driving and we are in the CAR.
    Children in the back..MUmmy is STUPID..is all they hear.
    So How can you walk away? you cant.. how can you get the situation under control??

    I am feeling better already as i read thru your stuff..My heart goes out to everyone and i dont feel so alone now!

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  6. THIRTY EIGHT YEARS OF INCREDIBLE ABUSE...MY HUSBAND IS A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR, ADDICTED TO GOVERNMENT PRESCRIBED DRUGS THAT ARE DESPENSED FREELY, WHILE HE WASHES THEM DOWN DAILY WITH BEER WHISKEY OR ANYTHING HE CAN GET HIS HANDS ON ALL HIDDEN OF COURSE. HE IS A RETIRED FIREFIGHTER WHO WAS CONSTANTLY IN TROUBLE ON THE JOB..WAS DRUNK IN WORK..NEVER CAME HOME FOR DAYS AT A TIME..AND I WAS HOME WITH TWO SMALL CHILDREN AND DISABLED.THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF STORIES THAT ARE TOO HORRENDOUS TO EVEN REPEAT. I HAVE HAD FOUR SURGERIES, ONE OF WHICH WAS A SPINAL CORD INJURY FROM A BROKEN NECK. FORTUNATELY THE ONLY THING THAT HE PROVIDES FOR ME NOW IS DECENT HEALTH INSURANCE..WHICH I NEED DESPARATELY, BECAUSE I WAS DIAGNOSED WITH MS.. HE HAS LEFT ME AT HOME COMPLETELY ALONE ON MY RETURN HOME FROM MY SURGERIES AND GONE TO THE BAR..MY STORY IS FRIGHTFUL...AND I KEPT IT TO MYSELF FOR MOST OF MY LIFE BECAUSE I HAD NO FAMILY SUPPORT. NOW AT 63, I'M DOING MY BEST TO STAY HEALTHY, HIS CRUELTY IS NOT TO BE BELIEVED. HE'S DRUNK EVERY DAY AND NASTY.. BUT I KEEP ON GOING. I TRIED TO GO BACK TO WORK SEVERAL TIMES..BUT HE WOULD SHOW UP DRUNK IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. NO MATTER WHAT I DO HE SABOTAGES EVERYTHING AND TREATS ME LIKE DIRT. THERE ARE NO ANSWERS. HIS CHARM HAS WON OVER A LOT OF PEOPLE THROUGH THE YEARS..AND HE WAS GIVEN SO MANY CHANCES TO PROVE HIMSELF BUT HIS NASTINESS TOWARDS ME BEHIND EVERYONE'S BACK MADE ME FEEL LIKE I WAS IN FOR MORE LATER. I HAVE BEEN A GOOD MOTHER AND FAITHFUL & FOOLISHLY LOVING WIFE ALL THESE YEARS OF TORTURE. GOD KNOWS I TRIED TO BE ALL.. I NO LONGER HAVE ANY FRIENDS THEY HAVE ALL BEEN DRIVEN AWAY. HE NEVER HAD ANY BUT THE DREGS OF THE EARTH FROM ALL THE BARS AND LIQUOR STORES SURROUNDING MY LIFE AND HE WILL ALWAYS LIVE THAT WAY. I AM NOT FINANCIALLY SOUND ANYMORE..HE SAW TO THAT WHEN HE OPENED A BUSINESS AND LOST IT DUE TO HIS OBVIOUS ABUSE OF LIFE, AND RISKED EVERYTHING WE BOTH HAD WORKED FOR OVER 25 YEARS. I BELIEVED HIM WHEN HE SAID IT WOULD WORK BECAUSE OF HIS COLLEGE EDUCATION..AND THEN HE BLAMED ME FOR IT'S FAILURE WHILE HE PARTIED. BY THE GRACE OF GOD I STILL LIVE IN MY HOUSE WHICH IS NOW MORTGAGED TO THE HILT.THE BUSNESS DESTROYED EVERYTHING I WORKED FOR, AND THE LOSS IS OVER 2 MILLION NOW..HE DRANK MY FUTURE AND PARTIED WITH OTHER WOMEN WHILE HE DISAPPEARED FOR DAYS AT A TIME. BOTH MY CHILDREN HAVE EMPATHY TOWARDS HIM, BECAUSE THEY WERE BROUGHT UP TO SHOW RESPECT. YET BOTH OF THEM QUIETLY RAN AS FAST THEY WERE ABLE TO GET AWAY FROM THIS HELL. I HAVE SPENT YEARS ALONE... HOLIDAYS, BIRTHDAYS FUNERALS AND EVEN A COUPLE OF VACATIONS, WISHING I WERE SOMEPLACE ELSE AND VOWING NEVER TO GO ANYWHERE AGAIN WITH HIM..AND I HAVENT. HE DESTROYS EVERY FAMILY GATHERING SO THEY HAVE STOPPED. ALONG WITH OUTSIDE INVITATIONS, BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS HIM AROUND. MY PEACE OF MIND IS CONSTANTLY SABOTAGED AND INTERRUPTED, THERE IS NO END TO HOW HATEFUL THIS MAN HAS BECOME, AND I WANT NO PART OF HIM. I AM A GOOD PERSON, I LOVE LIFE, AND I LOVE TO LAUGH, BUT I CANT EVEN HAVE A FRIEND COME TO SIT AND CHAT OVER A CUP OF COFFEE. MY BEST FRIEND OF 35 YRS ALSO GAVE UP WITH MY SITUATION, SO I AM ALONE. EVEN NEIGHBORS DISLIKE HIM..HE IS EASY TO START A CONFROTATION NO MATTER WHERE HE IS, EVEN IN A STORE, SO I NO LONGER GO OUT WITH HIM.ALL THE SUPPORT IN THE WORLD ISNT GOING TO CHANGE HOW I FEEL. HE HAS BEEN ARRESTED 3 TIMES FOR DRUNK DRIVING AND BOUGHT HIS WAY OUT OF IT, AND I HAVE BEEN BLAMED FOR ALL. HE ADMITTEDLY BRAGS THAT HE IS WITHOUT A HEART.I ONLY WISH I KNEW AS A YOUNG GIRL HOW DESTRUCTIVE A PERSON CAN BE BECAUSE OF NARCISSISM..AND I WOULLD HAVE RUN AS FAST AS POSSIBLE TO THE OPPOSITE.. COUPLE THAT WITH A SOCIOPATHIC HISTORY AND YOU HAVE MY LIFE. MY CHILDREN FEEL THAT I'M THEIR HERO AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS TO ME NOW. PEACE..

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  7. Hi Anon May 22nd

    I am so sorry to hear your story. I would strongly recommend that get Back from the Looking Glass and read our ideas about how to either get police protection or get him to decide to leave.

    You need to take action now matter how hopeless things must seem.

    Hang in there!

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  8. This last post (all CAPS) was heart wrenching, because I see so many of the signs in my 15 month relationship she has put up with for countless years! AND, it's all so similar signs, signals, and inuendos (sp?). Luckily none of the hard liquor, arrests, or physical stuff. So we all have to be aware that there are certain "levels" of these signs and to what degree they effect us.
    All I can do, after recently splitting up with my arrogant snot for a b/f last week is now bide my time and keep him at arm's length (and we have separate homes thank GOD)! I am still shell shocked to even be in his company and he said he was done with ME the other night so I complied with no contact. Drove him crazy and he's phoned a zillion times and I slipped up and took the call yesterday. He instantly defends his "reasons" for his monarchy baloney! But I have a special feeling this time thanks to Kim & Steve, and I want to become more empowered before the next step of if we can make a go of this, once again (after all the countless other fights), and get anywhere. I put my faith in God & Jesus, the Universal Love, and that shared by my new friends here on this forum!
    With all the world's troubles, I feel like we all can be the new ambassadors to good will and truly loving relationships, and gosh darn it, we can finally like ourselves! I think this is great, in of itself, just like it is!
    Peace to Yall!
    E in Dallas

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  9. I am living with a narc i think. He will fly into a rage at the slightest little criticism or if i challenge him in any way... He calls me filthy names and says i need to sort my head out... I cant talk to him at all and every time this happens (at least every few weeks) he packs up and moves out and ignores me for anything up to weeks and then we drift back and so it goes. over and over and over. I cant seem to break free of him.. I miss him so much when he is gone..

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  10. Hi Anonymous,
    You shouldn't feel bad for missing him. We all need somebody to love. But you definitely need to learn some skills to limit this abuse. These skills need to be learned, and Kim's eBooks will support you with that.
    Steve

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  11. PART 2...phone account and on Saturday July 3 he had called 3 divorce lawyers, HELLO it is Saturday before the holiday! Every time my husband gets mad he threatens divorce, or tells me “If you don’t stop doing this or that you are going to be by yourself!” This has been going on for 7-8 yrs of the 10yrs we’ve been married. When he is mad all HELL breaks loose and the threats come out about leaving me. He purchased something from a jewelry store that cost 1300.00 for me as a gift, I never got because of his antics. Two weeks prior for my bday he was trying to buy me a treadmill because I wanted one. I don’t know what to do. When he gets mad he takes it to the extreme. I say what is wrong? He will say, “YOU is what is wrong with me!” He is a great provider and dad ok hubby, but that temper, OMG! Someone please help me to try and understand this odd behavior. Tomorrow will be one week he has not spoken to me. And on Friday if he doesn’t call will be a week for my kids.
    I did get one up on him and got my bruises documented at the doctors office and I called a military lawyer and have an appointment Thursday to protect myself and my kids just in case he follows through with something. I love him and don’t want to be divorced, but if he comes at me wanting one, I will not beg and plead for him to stay. I will hurt my kids will hurt but what am I supposed to do? I don’t know what to think. Everyone is saying he is cheating, blah,blah,blah. I don’t think so. This is the longest he has gone without talking to us and I am scared, hurt and worried about what is next. This is the worst he has ever acted out and the longest. I am pissed because of him mistreating my children because he is mad at me! Help! Any advice is welcomed.

    D.

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  12. My husband and I have been married for 10 years July 1, 2010. Well he is in the military, and had risen to an Officer since we married. He moved us all here from California, in 2007 and I had just had the second baby, now 2. Three months after we moved here my mother died showed NO empathy for that at all. Told me to, “GET OVER IT” after 2 weeks. Well now moving forward, I stay at home with our kids because that was the deal moving here and when they are little I stay home until 3 years old. Right now he is in an Officer program about 8 hours away and comes home every other week. When we toured the facility prior to him checking in they explained that if if wants to go home on weekends, he has to bring someone else in the program. Well the first several times he came home, he came on his own by saying that I was meeting him at the 400 mile mark with the children and then one of the kids would drive with him. (lie) Anyway, some people from our area checked into the school about a month ago, and they happened to be female, all married. When he came home the first week in June for my birthday, he said he had to bring them and the gas is being split 4 ways. I had a problem with this because some females in the military are conniving and spiteful and will lie for no reason at all. So I gave my opinion that he needs to be careful. Of course, now I am accusing him of cheating and I am a Bitch, whore, stupid, dumb ect. When he got home, it was the silent treatment for 1 whole day.......wasted when he was only down for the weekend. Well after I kissed his butt to make up even though I did nothing, he was fine and said he wasn’t bringing them anymore too much of an inconvenience ECT. He said the next time I come home I am driving for our 10 yr anniversary alone....already was approved when I started this program. I agreed. Last week on June 30th he tells me that one of the girls asked if she could get a ride down, that she would be flying home, and he said yes, because if he said no he would get into trouble with his Superiors. I said, “well now you going from 3 females in the car to 1. She can say anything, that you touched her, were inappropriate in any way and it would be her word against yours, please be careful.” He said well I have to bring her that’s it! If I get into an accident or something happens to me you won’t get any insurance money if I am alone and something happens!!!!” I said, “Well I don’t like it, it makes me uncomfortable. I know you have to follow the rules, but I still need to say how I feel.” He went ballistic! I was then a stupid ass bit__, dumb as hell, why are you accusing me of cheating on you? F___ me and hung up in my face. Texted me and said, “I don’t need someone like you by my side.” “Don’t f____ call me again!” What was wrong with me saying how I feel? Our anniversary comes on 7/1/10, no phone call, no text acknowledging our day, NOTHING! He comes into the house at 7:30pm Thursday didn’t say a word to me for 27 hours. By Friday night 10:30pm I asked him what is wrong? He said, “LEAVE ME ALONE!” I said, “No.” this went back and forth one more time and I walked away. I came back into the room with his gift (a Movado diamond watch engraved with his initials, ALH, 10yrs, 2kids, 7/1/2010 on it). He said, I don’t want that shove it up my ____ and my ____ take it back I don’t care leave me alone. I turned around and saw my 2 year and I sent him out the room and I snapped tried talking to him again, he told me get away from me and some more choice words and I snapped and threw the gift at him, hitting the wall. He jumped up, “GET OUT OF MY WAY!” I said no, please talk to me what is wrong? He then grabbed me by the arms trying to move me instead of going around me, so I try to push him off and he pushed me more ect. It ended up with him storming out the house at 11pm and we have not seen or heard from him since. My 7yr old has been calling him, no call back. I have been checking the cell (continued)

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  13. Hi to everyone here and sorry to hear all of the sad stories.

    What everyone must understand is that this will not get better from just thinking of the right thing to say it is going to take solid action. In future D I would be careful and not express negative feelings until you have built trust and rapport (in person) first. Besides this however you have a huge problem with the lack of contact you have with your husband and the way he is behaving. Good work seeing a doctor. You urgently need both Back from the Looking Glass and the Love Safety Net Workbook as I think it is going to be vital you speak with his superior officers at work but also vital you do this very carefully. You do not know who they are and you cannot assume they will be friendly or take your side. You should call them only when you are 100% calm and you should not in any way let this sound like something to do with a fight between you. You have to stress that you are very concerned for his well being and that his aggression would make it appear that something is putting him under a huge amount of stress at work and this is effecting your family including the kids. You must also make it very clear that he does not know that you have called and because of his current instability you all feel very frightened. You should also let them know he has assulated you and that the police and a local doctor have records of this.

    You will not solve this on your own and no matter how scared you are you need protection and to pull in a support network quickly. If it sounds like a domestic problem they will brush you off straight away and this will make it harder later.

    To him you can say it is obvious there is something very stressfull happenning with him and work but that you are scared and do not know how to deal with his behavior right now and that if he is intimidating again you will need to contact the police as you do not know how to handle him when he is that way. Please try and show sympathy if you can without asking him for any information yet. The message needs to be "I can see you are in trouble and I will stand by you but until the aggression stops I can't help you and will need to call other people in to help."

    It is very important for yourself and the kids that you get your confidence and courage back and take you time studying and planning your next move and stop obssessing about where he is. Even if you knew you are not ready to handle him yet and you need to be building a support network.

    Personally I think it is unethical to expect a man with kids your age to work a week at a time away from his family, if you reporting him gets him fired it may not be the end of the world. Having a stable family life is much more important than giving each other expensive jewellery. You have not created this he has and you need a support network now that will make him accept responsibility foir his own actions regardless the consequences. I bet he is longing for a man to have the courage to stand up to him and put him in his place. You are going to need to be patient and wise and cunning now until you find the man that is going to be.

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.om

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  14. I just don't understand how he can go for all this time since Friday and not call to check on us. My kids are sad and acting out. What should I do, just wait until he calls? Or should I leave him a voice mail saying he needs to make contact by a certain time because we are worried or I will have to contact the authorities to make sure you are okay? We are in another state living away from friends and my family. I am 3000 miles away from home and scared. I quit my job and moved away from home to support my husband, it just feels like nothing I ever do is enough. All my friends say he is cheating but I don't think so. I am so confused right now Kim. It hurts me more that he is not even calling his children in almost a week a my 7 yr old is up crying every night because he won't call him back.

    D.

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  15. Hi Donna,

    I know you must be in a lot of emotional pain right now because of all this and so first I would recommend you take a look at the audio products we have here to support you in that regard;

    http://www.wellnessaudio.com/pre-launch-special.html

    Your kids need you to be strong now and strength will draw them to you faster than anything.

    You then need to start taking some of the steps I outlined above and start pulling in a support network - personally I would start with his superiors. You need to make it very clear that you are concerend about him and not be blaming in any way at this stage. If they think your husband is having an affair they will not get involved. If you say you are concerned that he has gone missing because and has not contacted his family for over a week (and this is out of character) they will most likely question him and I am sure he will find that uncomfortable. They will then most likely pass on that you are concerned about him rather than saying you are mad at him.

    There is a big difference.

    This is not going to be solved overnight and I really need to encourage you to get our ebooks "Back from the Looking Glass" and "The Love Safety Net Workbook" and I would also recommend "10 steps to overcoming codependence".

    You have a tough road ahead but it is imperative you start taking steps in the right direction before things get even worse than they are now. A woman moving away from her support network of friends and family when she has childern is often a mistake and you may want to consider making plans to move home. It does not need to mean that you are leaving your husband and you can tell him that - you may need to explain that with him not around you need more support with raising the children.

    There is also a page here on steps to to stop a fight in progress;

    http://www.fightbusters.com/Fight_Busting.html

    It would pay for you to look at these and even print them off - because when he does re emerge despite how mad you will probably feel it will be important you don't escalate the fighting. One way or another he is struggling with the pressures of having a wife and kids and if you dump all of your fear and anger on him when he does re emerge it will only give him even more of an excuse to be aggressive and withdraw ...

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  16. Continued ...

    It is vital you make some plans and set some goals of your own now and stay strong for your children. It seems your husband is being pulled into a whirlpool right now and you cannot count on him to make this better. You need to get very solid and strong and pull in as much support as you can (while trying to also be understanding that men are not always as strong or courageous of virtuous as we need them to be) to not leave yourself open to further abuse. You need people around you now and you will not win their support unless you show you are solid and calm. There are very few hero's out there anymore and you will need to have the strength and courage to be your own hero and then others will be glad to support you.

    Don't get sucked into the whirlpool with him. You take the lead and get the support of people who have influence in his life now. It is not in the armies interest to have emotionally unbalanced officers.

    But you must NOT come across as unbalanced yourself in your dealings with the people you want help from or they will be unlikely to know how to help support you.

    You are not unbalanced - you are doing exactly what society expects of you - so be the strong and brave woman you are and realise it is him who needs saving not you and that you will not be able to do that on your own or by looking to him for the answers. You have small children to look after and that needs to be your first priority.

    Our ebooks would really help you a lot now and say much more than I can here - and I would really suggest you purchase and download them.

    Hang in there Donna (-: Sad as it is there are thousands of women who have been where you are right now. You can and you will get through this.

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  17. Thank you Kim I will definitely follow some advice, but the Navy is kind of catch 22, have to be careful what I say to them if I say anything at all. You are wonderful!

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  18. I'm in a difficult situation as I am unable to sort out my husband's behavior. I am married to a man from the middle east and live with him in his home country. I am American. I am not sure how much of his behavior is cultural and how much is him being a narc.

    I have been called every name in the book. What makes me believe he is a narc is that he sets out to convince every one around us that he is a wonderful, caring husband that loves me and supports me so much but then when it is just the two of us his treatment of me is quite the opposite.

    Just recently I spent 4 days of non-stop verbal abuse. If I tried to remove myself from it (by walking away into another room) he would follow me and never let up.

    If I make any comment that would indicate to my family or friends in any way that I am not happy about something or even dislike something, it throws him into a rage. If I even comment about how hot the weather is he feels this is a reflection on how him and how he is not keeping me happy.

    He is constantly looking to argue with anyone and everyone. He will even say on some days that he wants to argue with someone. I know then that if he does not find someone else to take his rage out on, that he will find reason to take it out on me.

    We just returned from vacation. On our return trip home, we had stopped at a rest area and I went to use the rest room. It was quite busy and I had to wait to use the toilet. I took about 10 minutes to return to my husband. When I did, for all to hear, he starts yelling at me for taking so long. Even after I explained that I had to wait, he still went on as if it was my fault that it had taken so long! I was humiliated and in shock and confused. I began to cry because at this point in our relationship I start to question myself. After I began crying of course this makes him more angry and I'm accused of only doing it to make people feel sorry for me and to make people think I have such a horrible life.

    He didn't get the argument from me that he was so obviously trying to get so later he looked for reasons to start arguments with others. Unfortunately because we were riding on a tour bus, he turned his focus to the bus driver. Our trip ended with my husband getting into a fist fight with the bus driver at the end of the evening. When we went home, he seemed quite pleased with himself and almost on a high from his altercation.

    In his culture, I am possession. Yesterday, because I performed well as his wife to his friends that came to visit, I was called the worlds best wife! Yesterday I was told how great I am. Of course it was because I made him look good to his friends. Made him feel pride for choosing such a good wife. Today however, with his friends gone, I am the "stupid bitch" because I accidently cut my fingers on the fan. While in pain, trying to clean my wounds I was once again being belittled. No concern for my welfare, only concern for any inconvienence I may have now caused him my injuring myself.

    I won't go into details, but he has made it nearly impossible for me to leave him if I wanted to.

    I am unable to make any purchases from your site but hope that some of your articles will be able to help me. I do love him and would like to make this work I'm just afraid there are too many things working against us.

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  19. I have been with my husband for nine years now. He is a therapist. At his urging, I started therapy for my "emotional problems". After seeing 7 different mental health professionals over the years(some in the psych hospital where I checked myself in due to depression and suicidal ideation)I have been repeatedly told I am dealing with a narcissitic personality. I used to be a happy, fun loving woman. Now I do not even recognize myself. I've lost everything financially, (my home of 23 years that was almost paid for...he controls all the finances and has gone through thousands and thousands...I don't know where...we have nothing to show for it but debt) He lies constantly, disappears, has secret bank accounts, opens secret credit card accounts, buy cars secretly, buys real estate secretly (my name is never on anthing) keeps in contact with old girlfriends, ex wives, other women (just friends, he says) When I say I've had enough he literally stalks me, is relentless in his "I'm not giving up on us, honey, your my wife...we took vows...I really love you!" The worst is his never admitting anything, his entitlement, his "crazymaking" during my attempts to work these issues out (never try to outwit a manipulative, brilliant, high IQ narcissitic THERAPIST!) I was told by one psychiatrist "You are dealing with narcissism and it is LETHAL in human beings. When you see him coming you better hold up that little pinky ring of yours (I have a peace sign ring) and hold it up like you are warding off Satan!" I went to another psychiatrist to see about getting on antidepressants (my regular therapist was urging me to do so and I didn't want to so I went to a psychiatrist to check it out first) That psychiatrist listened to my story and concluded with "No, I don't think your crazy, you're one of us, but if you stay with this man YOU WILL DIE! I don't think putting you on medication is the answer, it will just make it so you never figure out out to get out and go on with your life." (We also went to marriage counseling with two different marriage counselors... he manipulates the whole process and they end up telling me the same thing) As is stands today, I read your recent articles on verbal abuse and all the other posted comments and I feel a little better, have some renewed hope and don't feel so all alone. (Yes, I've lost all my old friends, nobody can stand to see it or hear about it anymore and I can't blame them.) I tried to order the CD's but was unsuccessful with the online order, I'm going to call the phone # to place my order now. Thanks to all of you for sharing and caring.

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  20. Finally... now I don't feel so all alone in this chaotic relationship (marriage). My husband has been diagnosed as with Bi-Polar Disorder, but his behaviour is that of someone with NPD. My uncertainty is if I can use these techniques with him and will they help. My understanding of Bi-polar disorder is that it is a chemical imbalance. Can behavior modications such as the ones you recommend help him? He is so full of rage that his entire body gets rigid and he shakes. Sometimes I am literally running out of the house to get away from him. I am so discouraged.. I love him, but I am scared to death of him. I don't want to abandon him because I'm afraid of what could happen if I weren't there to help him. (classic co-dependent relationship).

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  21. To Anon in the MidEast. I really feel for you and I am concerned that you may not be able to implement the steps of building a support network. This is key, the truth needs to be allowed to surface. Kim and I consciously do not advertise in the MidEast or Asia where the cultural attitudes towards family law is different to the 'west'. We can send some info without a web payment to you, please contact me at info@narcissismcured.com
    To Anon with the therapist husband; you have to help the truth be revealed to the people around you. He may be a charming master-manipulator, but the truth is often impossible to ignore. Can you build a paper trail of the theft he has committed. The courts may not consider this theft as it occurred within a family structure, but it is important that you can detail the transactions. It is also important to figure out what his double life is all about. A mountain of debt will have a story behind it. Ask someone for help with this, once you have built a support network, you can begin to ask for help. If someone has taken a house away from you, this is serious.
    To Anon with the BPD partner; Kim and I do not talk about this disorder very often as it has not featured in our story. The abuse needs to be limited, our eBooks will help with that. The behaviour changes, learning emotional intelligence, self-soothing techniques and other strategies we suggest, will be useful to you in my opinion. There's nothing wrong with wanting to love your partner. Doing all you can, like seeking advice on this blog, shows you have a good heart.

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  22. i have broken up with n boyfriend so many times i am starting to feel like the abusive one...i feel like i'm at the end of my rope. i've been humiliated in public, screamed at, cut down, lied to, left in public multiple times. the internet became a problem, with him on dating sites and emailing women i'd never heard of when we hit rough patches. he never met any of the women, but lied about himself to them, seeming to use them for attention.

    after a long split up i felt strong and happy and had my lust for life back. he came back wanting another chance, ready 'to get better', he promised to go to a psych i helped pick out for him, to stop drinking and drugs, to treat me better. it didn't improve. i found out he'd slept with one of my friends and we had a huge blow-out fight. the other night i was having a wonderful time at a party, dancing and laughing. out of nowhere he approached me and he said i was abusive for keeping tabs on him online over a year ago when he was on the dating sites. i took a swing at him. i feel so ashamed and so bad for him. i never thought i was stoop so low.

    now he ignores me and keeps me at a distance, so i have called it off yet again. i feel so tired and so bad about my own behaviour. i still love him. i feel that breaking up is the only thing i can do for my own sanity. i feel scared that i will never love anyone as much as i did him when he was kind and loving.

    i wish everyone on these boards strength. you are all good people.

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  23. Thank God I have found this site. I have been trying to break up with my Boyfriend for 18 months when he was becoming aggressive and abusing me emotionally and verbally. I thought I was going mad. He would become verbally vitriolic at the slightest comment and would start criticising me for any reason, especialy if I was down. I used to be such fun, so sassy and so energetic. Now I am sad , low, overweight and lethargic and unconfident.

    I have had a terrible year when I lost my job, I was in a car accident, lost my home and as a result of himm still being around, I finally lost my daighter, who went to live with her father as she could not cope anymore. I truely believed he was right and I had upset him, each time cheating on me and told me that our rows "sent him to a funny place" and he turned to others for comfort. I then felt bad and would take him back where it would be wonderful for 2 weeks and he would give me the love I desperately craved and then something small woudl set him off again and he would abuse me so badly,I really felt that I had been run over by a truck. I started to lose my friends who could not bear to watch me suffering anymore, which made me feel lonely and turned me to him further.

    Now he has met someone in the tiny village where I live and dumped me cruelly and without remorse or empathy even thought I have supported him financially and he still owes me money.. I am a prisoner in my own home now, and I cannot afford to move. He tells me everyone in the village knows what I am like and I have ruined my reputation in the village so it is best I do not come in.

    I have been paralysed with shock over the abuse but reading this site I can now see that it was him and I can read that I have had a narrow escape. I have been having nightmares about the last 18 months and have become depressed and do not sleep ( it is the middle of the night here) but I am here with you all right now and I think that I can do this , with your help reading your stories and the advice from Kim and Steve , I can let go of him mentally, yes I can. When he comes back ( as he is sure to do , he owns nothing and has limited income) I finally feel I have the courage to tell him to go and I can stand alone... thank you everyone who writes on here for your bravery. There are many people who need help but you have made a difference to me ... I would like to keep talking to you all.. we can do this we just need support to know we are not going mad and that it is not as frightening as being with a frightening man... JC

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  24. Sorry Kim, but I was disappointed with your advice for dealing with sulking. My husband and I have been married for 31years, since we were both 20 and we have been working on our relationship forever. We both had a lot of baggage from our families and have both matured at a different rate. We have a long way to go, but the main thing we have problems with is resolving arguments. My husband sulks when the argument does not go his way. He also has a hard time saying he is sorry. He thinks giving me distance and then forgetting about the argument is the best way to handle the situation, even though I need some type of closure. The void in our house is like a vacuum, until I provide an opportunity to revisit the argument without being angry, he shuts down. I am definitely better with words than he is, but there are other ways to let some one know that you are no longer angry. He never seems to know what to do to and I feel he relies on me to carry the emotions when he can not express his feelings. We have attended counselling and it has been very helpful, but it is also expensive. Can you help?

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  25. Hi Everyone and I hope that things are progressing to a more positive place for you, to anon who was dissapointed, I wonder if you have given any of my ideas here a try? There is a lot to consider in this post and the one on identity as well. I am not sure what more I can offer unless you let me know how you go trying some of these ideas.

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  26. Wow, Kim, you are still offering hope to a lot of struggling people, women in particular, like myself. A year ago, after having been separated from my husband for six months, we were no closer to working through our NPD/codependency problems (which I didn't know WERE our problems until finding your materials.) I had been through two months of counseling, addressing the #1 word in my broken-down spirit: confusion. That said it all. My counselor suggested that my husband may be dealing with NPD, and I began reading everything I could about it. It was so depressing, and no-one offered hope, that I stopped researching it. But several months later, when my husband and I were no closer to reconciliation, in desperation I again began searching online, this time with the search words "healing narcissism," and found your site. Wow. I know it was the Lord who helped me find your materials. But His timing was perfect. In the early months of our seperation when I was pleading with God for answers, I was not ready, and needed the time away from my husband to begin to be restored physically, emotionally, and spiritually - to heal internally and become stonger inside again. I had allowed myself to become run down from financial stress, an exhausting job and abuse. But after finding your materials, all the lightbulbs went on and my heart resonated with your approach, so full of hope, but requiring me to be "strong and inspirational," and no longer allowing my husband to control my emotions or happiness. I learned that I was being controlled because I allowed him to, and I was being dominated because I complied. And that I did have a choice, if I could push through my fears of rejection and him abandoning me. Back From The Looking Glass and The Love Safety Net Workbook transformed my life, and our marriage.

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  27. (Continuation of last post) We reconciled, and since then have had many good days and many hard days. A one-liner that has really helped me sort through my responses to my husband is "Is this a self-respecting choice?" And if not, then I must choose truth at the cost of peace, not peace at the cost of truth. It causes disruption every time, and for the immediate moment it's painful, and my husband gets angry and defensive. And it feels like two steps backward, but in reality, it's another step forward. I am learning to address things immediately as you advise, rather than my former way of internalizing my anger through procrastination and then a few days later trying to bring up something I didn't like. I am learning that with NPD, I have to lay down my expectations of "normal" conflict resolution, and simply say what I'm feeling and thinking (even if the only way to get it out is with anger, which too will change as I become more confident in expressing myself) and then let it go, and not expect my husband to apologize, or be there for me emotionally. I cried over that loss, when I read your advice in that area, as I am one who desires that "perfect conflict resolution model where we both feel understood, our emotions taken care of, we cry, we pray, we talk, etc! And of course, closure. But I had to let go of my expectations, since discussing issues would take us around and around with both not feeling heard. Now I say what I think, let it go, deal with the sulking that typically follows, and wait for my husband to let go of his anger at me without requiring or expecting an apology from him. Period. I don't dance around him on egg shells anymore (which is why I initially left to go for help, and went to another state for counseling.) Those two books have helped me immensely, Kim. Thank you so much. When things are going well, and we're coasting along, it's easy to let up on keeping firm boundaries. But, just as with children, boundaries that my husband can anticipate (even if he doesn't like them) makes him feel safe, when I know what I want and what I don't want, and that I will no longer tolerate or rescue/enable his bad behaviour. We haven't arrived yet... in fact, I'm reading the emails on verbal abuse tonight, and felt I had to finally write, and share with all the brave women who are posting comments and are still stuck in the initial stages of fear, when you know you HAVE to do something or you will completely die inside. The article on sulking resounded with me tonight, as my husband has been sulking all day at me. It's another control tactic, though he may not even realize it, and in fact, feels like I am trying to control him. So tonight, after reading what you had to say about sulking (I had been working in a back room office all afternoon, giving him space) I tried engaging him in some conversation and when he didn't answer, I asked him if he was still sulking and angry. At that he blew up and called me insane and other abusive words, but I decided to be the calm nurse in charge and not go to bed with the cloud of angry silence. Better to have the anger expressed. So, you see, we still hit bumps every week (they spring up out of nowhere! typical) and he's still testing my boundaries, but I no longer cry or internalize my feelings like I used to. (Continued on 3rd post!)

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  28. (Continued - 3rd Post of 3) It was hard to push through my "nice girl" strategies and be honest, but like you commented on one post, Kim, it gets easier and easier. One time when he was intimidating me, I did call the police, and an officer came out and we talked (mostly me off to the side, without my husband, as you recommended, Kim.) I was very afraid to take action, but knew that I could no longer tolerate his intimidation and threats which left me afraid and without a voice. We were apart for a few days after that. A few months ago, one night he was angry and kicking me out of bed, and I said (for the first time) "quit kicking me and let me into bed or I'll call the police" (and I meant it - no more empty threats to try to bring about desired results, but calm, intentional consequences, to limit abuse.) He let me in, and we never discussed it again, but taking that step was another break through my fear of his anger, retaliation, rejection, abandonment, lack of approval, etc, etc. We are growing little by little, me with my codependency issues and him with his NPD issues(though I've not yet discussed those two words with him - I'm just trying to live it right now! As you say, actions speak louder than words any day.) I hope and pray that someday, God will heal us to the point where we can help others with out story, like the two of you do.
    Keep sharing with us what you are learning!

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  29. Wow - these stories really bring back much of my 30-year marriage history, to a wonderful man who learned mostly wrong emotional reactions and expressions from his parents. I have experienced everything emotional and verbal that all of these women are discussing. Thankfully, never any serious physical abuse, but I am ashamed and sad to say that our five children heard and saw a lot of fighting and yelling as they were growing up. Three happily and safely married and giving us so far 7 happy and amazing grandchildren, One son serving in the Air Force in Europe, who misses home and family and calls regularly, and one 14-year-old son at home. My problem is that despite how far my husband has come, in acknowledging that he probably is Bi-Polar or something similar (he knows he feels and acts differently without daily Zoloft), and knows his childhood made him this way primarily, he never has or will seek counseling or help. Lately he has expressed interest in self-help, listening to or reading some marriage man/women type programs or books, but the interest wanes quickly. He can't seem to overcome the blow-ups and name-calling. Our life changed in 2010 when he was diagnosed with heart failure out of the blue - we don't drink or smoke, it was caused by a virus. Now that he's so sick and weak much of the time, unable to work much in our 30-year-old family business except to guide employees over the phone, I have become more nurse, CEO, and almost his boss, and I certainly don't run things his way. Despite my working long hours to make up for his absence, and trying to help him learn how to deal with his medical problems (10 years with diabetes he has yet to pick up any reading material on the subject or listen to my information gleaned from much reading about it, and has never read anything about his heart condition, etc.), yet tells me how I'm neglecting him emotionally and physically. It has created such a stressful situation that he's more often like his old angry self, and my son is having to care for him so much (making his meals, waiting on him, bringing him medicine, being his constant companion) while I'm working, and then witnessing our daily confrontations and bickering about work and finances that I fear for my child's emotional well-being as well. My son is beginning to express his resentment over all this to me, while trying to be a loving and patient son to his Dad. He is an exceptionally intelligent and mature kid, and very adept at explaining how he feels, but we both feel trapped. At times he begins talking to me in a disrespectful tone, and also tries to manipulate me when he's tired or frustrated, and suddenly I have two men telling me what I'm doing wrong to make them feel 'less loved', how I am the one that makes the fights start,etc. The one thing I have going for me is the knowledge that I am okay - I have a strong spirit based on faith that my Father in Heaven knows and loves me and my family and cares very much about us and is helping me learn and get even stronger to be the one to create change. I just need tools and can't afford counseling.

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  30. I will admit that I did not read all of the previous posts. What I will say is next time your nasty partner states that they are leaving - help them pack their bags ans give them a lift to at least 50 k's (miles) away. If you are brave enough give them a goodbye hug and kiss - if not tell them goodbye and send them on their way. It is hard to deal with bulllies but it is dammmm great to wish them goodbye!!!!!

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  31. To Anonymous with the sick husband,
    Take courage, and start implementing Kim's practical advice in "Back from the Looking Glass." It will change your family dynamics, inch by inch, bit by bit, day by day, as YOU "create change" in yourself. Also, a courageous woman does not try to do it all herself... get someone to help with your business management, and someone to come in as the daily caregiver for your husband. A courageous woman does not try to save money by doing it all herself, at the expense of her own emotional health and the emotional health of her children. Take action. Start today. Start making phone calls. Order Kim's book.
    Cheering you on, Anonymous in Florida

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  32. Hi Kim

    I was living with a narcissist who employed subtle verbal put downs and adopted a superior attitude, though I mistakenly believed he was my best friend. We weren't romantically involved, though we were codependent. However, he never was outright verbally abusive and we never shouted or got angry at each other except the day I moved out of our house. For these reasons, I had been having trouble identifying with the advice you have been giving, BUT, when I read your post about sulking, I recognised his behaviour immediately. I wanted to read more. You wrote about an article about IDENTITY that you said was to follow, but I can't find it. Can you please direct me to 'Identity is Key'. Thank you - finally, I not only understand that the energy behind his sulking was repressed rage (which I realised), but why...to avoid the humiliation of getting angry. Thank you.

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  33. Hi anon,

    If you look at the top right hand side of this page is an index of articles where you will find the post identity is key.

    Hang in there!

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  34. This site is amazing. A port in the storm and makes me feel I'm not going mad when I'm told again and again it's me that makes him mad.Unfortunately despite Kim's amazing advice and practical coping stratergies, the verbal abuse, name calling, threatening,countering, blaming and accusing still goes on. I don't wan to live like this anymore.

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  35. Hey hang on anon. The best advice I have to offer is in the limiting abuse chapter in the Love Safety Net Workbook. You need to follow those exercises very closely. You have probably been through the same type of situations over and over and know it is time to plan a whole new approach before it happens again next time.

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  36. Please help me. My husband has been doing all if these things since I met him three years ago. We have only been married a year and nothing has changed. My depression and anxiety have worsened this year, resulting in increased medication and now a change in medication. There are two reasons I stay. 1. When he is nice, he is great! This is the man everyone else sees - his best behavior. 2. I

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  37. Continued
    2. I don't know that I could make it financially without him. When he is nice, I have such deep love for him, but a moment later, it can all change and I feel hopeless, worthless, verbally abused, and belittled.

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