What the Narcissism Daily Mirror is all About

So what is the Narcissism Daily Mirror all about?

To those of you who don't know us, Steve and I are a couple who have survived and even thrived after Steve being assessed as suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. As survivors we share our story with couples facing the problems this disorder cause at home.

Unlike the bulk of those giving advice for this disorder we do not tell partners of people with NPD to simply leave (which rarely solves their problems) instead we leave this decision up to the individual while teaching partners how to handle their NPD partners bad behavior to best end the conflict wether they stay or go.

If you live with someone with NPD traits I want you to ask yourself; when your partner behaves like an ugly brat of a child, does it bring out the wise parent in you able to set limits and boundaries, protecting both yourself and your family or does it turn you into a child as well who is easily exploited and scapegoated? Do you cry or yell and scream or instead do you know how to keep your feet on the ground and protect yourself?

The pattern of behavior that partners of those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder often display is known as Codependence, which our team often calls (I believe more acurately) emotional dependence. You will find ideas regarding both of these sets of behaviour on the page
Narcissism and Codependence on our site http://www.fightbusters.com

It is our belief that these two sets of behavior are both forms of immaturity that can be overcome.

This is an abuse free space and as such all comments will be moderated here. So please join in and enjoy the free advice and friendship which we belive will benefit anyone who wants to mature emotionally and have better relationships at home.

However, as always, we do advocate action over words and if someone is hurting or abusing yourself or your kids, please make sure you purchase a copy of "Back from the Looking Glass " today and take action in protecting yourself. Putting a stop to the abuse needs to be your #1 priority.

Hang in there!

Kim Cooper

43 comments:

  1. Although I know I am dealing with a narcissistic sister, how do I handle all the lies and back-stabbing she does to me when I stand up for myself? She has a lot of influence on my family especially nieces and nephews. She has a number of family/friends 'hating' me when I KNOW I am not the one with the problem.

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  2. Hi Kay,
    I sympathise with you on this one, I have had a lot of problems with my Mum and sister. Don't these N's goad us into behaving 'badly' and then use this to discredit us with the rest of the community. Maybe get into a position where she doesn't drain your energy trying to stand up for yourself and then rebuild such relationships as you can on firmer foundations. Start with the people you know you can trust. Maggie

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  3. I am trying so hard to implement this program and I have to say that on the home front, so far so good, I am slowly starting to notice a change in dynamics in my house and am feeling much better about myself however I am backsliding on another level. The father of my two oldest daughters whom abused me on every level and has been out of the picture for more then 6 years (lost all parental authority in court) has resurfaced. This I can handle as he is now a few provinces away. The problem is that my sisters boyfriend of 10 years was good friends with (we will call him Jim) Jim. I had left Jim and spent a month hiding at the womens shelter. He made many threats during this time eg: he said he was going to burn down my parents house if they did not tell him where I was. I filed charges, he was arrested but ultimately nothing was done.He moved on quickly, fathered another child, (I think his 6th). Now throughout these years my sisters boyfriend has claimed to have cut all ties with Jim but...I now have proof from the woman Jim moved on with that my sisters boyfriend was best buddies with Jim the entire time, stood up as his best man at their wedding, brought my sisters boys over to play often and constantly reported on my life and the girls lives, giving pictures etc... I know for my sanity I need to cut him from my life but that in turn means losing my sister. I know he and Jim were friends but this is a man that beat me black and blue, choked me till I blacked out, did the same thing to the girl he left here with his son and is beating on the woman he is with now. He currently has three warrants out for his arrest, one for forced confinement and two for assult. I can not allow this man to have access to information on my family. He and my sister made me feel like I was nuts all these years denying any contact, I am actually quite relieved to know that I was not crazy but just do not know how to proceed from here. Sorry guys, I know I am way off topic but needed to vent so bad.

    Jennifer

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  4. Hi Jennifer,

    I just realized that I posted my answer to you on the wrong artcle so here it is again ...

    Unfortunately those of us who find ourselves abused by a spouse will also often be abused by other people in our life. This is way it is so important we work on change in ourselves.

    Your sister is not your friend. Walk away and keep yourself nice. It is great you are improving your marriage now and keep working on your progress there.

    Before you walk away from your sister it may also pay to give her some misinformation that might help protect you from your ex if you are still scared. If there is any threat from him still you should see the police and calmy let them know your concerns and that your sisters boyfriend has been passing information to him.

    As sad as it might be you need to see when people disresepct you like this that you can walk away and they need to see this too. If you keep yourself very calm and be very clear but also well composed in the long run they will respect you better as well.

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  5. The response is much appreciated Kim and you are so very right. My sister is not my friend. This made me think that when I had left Jim it was ultimately due to fact that I knew for sure he had been cheating constantly, sad but I probably would have taken the beating forever or at least a lot longer, but the cheating threw me over the line. What happened was my sisters boyfriend had told my sister the truth about what was going on but told her not to tell me. She then in turn phoned my long time friend for advice who obviously said "Of course you have to tell her." Well 7 months went by and she never told me until one day I finally touch base with my girlfriend again who says something about it and could not beleive that I did not know yet.
    I phoned my sister told her that I was talking to "sarah" and I thought she had something to tell me. Finally she came clean. 7 months she knew and didn't say a word, he could have brought me home any disease. And once I tried to tell her that her boyfriend was calling me after she was in bed saying he was on a fantasy football leage with Jim and did I have any messages. I calmly asked my sister to please tell him to never talk to me about Jim again, she lost her mind, screaming that I was a liar and she knew for a fact that he had not spoken to Jim since I left him, she would not speak to me for two years until I finally wrote her a letter and said for our kids to know their cousins we had to call a truce UGH...all coming back to me now and NO she certainly is not my friend. Wow writing it almost makes me wonder why I was sad about losing her. Yes time to walk away.

    Jen

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  6. Me again...lol. But time to get back and focus on my current relationship. I have been reading as much of your information I can get my hands on but there are a few different senarios that arise in my home that I am unsure how to handle. One is that Jason will be grumpy (he always is), barking at all of us but then complains to me that I am not showing him any affection. I have tried to explain that at times like this he is not very approachable and I find it hard to show affection when it appears he is mad at me. Should I still be trying to give him hugs and kisses even though he is not being nice to me. And also everyday there is something wrong with him...he has a headache, he is tired, on and on and on and also becomes upset because I dont have enough reaction to it I guess, says I do not care. When he is constantly complaining about one this or another I find it hard to be all...ahhh poor baby. Any insight on how I should deal with these situations would be great!
    I have to tell you though those magic scissors are fantastic and I have been trying to not let his moods affect the rest of us, ie: continue to laugh and have fun with the girls when I would usually scurry around behind him. It feels so good!!!!!!
    Thanks so much,
    Jen

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  7. Hi Jen,

    I would really suggest that you follow the exercises in The Love Safety Net Workbook.

    One of these is to come up with your own lines. When he asks for affection for instance one might be

    "Perhaps when you pull your spikes in a bit."

    Looking over your glasses at him and you completely ready to get on with it and not get involved in a fight - a line like this might help.

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  8. Thanks again Kim,
    Yes I do need to start the workbooks, I have been so busy reading your books but absolutely have to make time to do the suggested exercises.

    I know I read in one of your books a suggestion for a herbal mood stabalizer but now can't remember and have been flipping through them all trying to find it, I will come across it again eventually but you might be able to answer quicker then I can find it. Jason's doctor wants to put him on medication/anti-depressant type thing, which we are very reluctant to do. Really want to try a natural one before resorting to the chemicals....

    Jen

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  9. Hi Jen,

    I mention Brahmi for memory and getting organized which certainly may help him, but for mood swings I think the best thing is about 4 to 6 fish oil capsules (and sometimes Evening Primrose as well) a day. Exercise is also Very important as is sunshine and an alkaline diet!

    Hang in there!

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  10. Hi Kim, I am new at this... However, been living this life with my NPD for 32 yrs... So by that you know ALOT of stuff has happened through those yrs... Terrible things... I was listening to a talk show one day and a lady was talking about her husband, it sounded like she was discribing my husband so I was glued to my seat listening and the couselor there told her she was married to a nacissistic person... That name stayed in my mind but I never did any research till this past month after another little episode and decided to get on the comp. and look for the book, Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft.. And in doing that I found your site... Oh my, all of this information is over whelming for me. However when I first realized I had found the place to explain just who my husband is I went to my barn with my horses and cried and thanked the Lord at the same time... FINALLY I could put a name on this insane life I have been living... I have come to feel alot of relief just in knowing that I will find myself again but at the same time alot of pain because it appears much of my life has been a lie... How does one ever make up all the lost time? 32 yrs. Kim... Can I ever find myself? I hope so because I need to heal .... Thanks lots... Kathy

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  11. Hi Kathy,

    You hang in there and take your time reading and listen to our radio shows as well. You will be put in touch with everything when you subscribe to my list at

    http://www.narcissismcured.com

    I spent my whole life being abused (just about) until I was 40 and now I have not looked back. The thing is that instead of seeing others at fault now I look back and feel embarrassed at my own lack of people skills that left me in that situation. Once you move on though the past is fairly easy to forget I have found.

    It's strange that isn't it?

    When we feel a strong emotion it really feels like we will always feel that way but in fact emotions change. I guess what I am saying is that now that I am happy it is very hard to remember the pain I felt for all of those years, so don't lose hope.

    Kim Cooper
    http://www,narcissismcured.com

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  12. Hi Kathy,
    I'm not sure if we are supposed to be responding to each other on here but I just can't help myself right now. My heart goes out to you, it really does. I have only been living this insanity for three years now...32 years, I find it hard to even imagine the damage that would do to one's spirit but I do have faith (now that I found Kim and Steve) that I will be able to reverse the damage and I know that you can too. I know exactly what you mean about the relief of finally having a name for what you have been living. It is as if it gives you a starting point. Stay strong Kathy, you are not alone in this...you will be in my prayers tonight. We will find ourselves...we will!!!!

    Jen

    and...

    Kim,
    I am really thankful for the video from the Love Boat Cruise on Sadness. I dealt with one of my best girlfriends committing suicide three years ago or I should say I THOUGHT I dealt with it. I felt like I had to be a rock for her daughter at the time and did what I had to in order to get through cleaning out her house etc...but somehow in your short three minute video you made me realize that I have done everything in order to not face the sadness. I do understand that this is something I will have to do however I am totally scared of the intensity of this but I do need to face it. Thank you Kim and Steve for everything you do, the day I found you guys was truly the turning point in my life!

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  13. Hi Kim and Steve, I must say that you were truly the Coast Guard coming to the rescue of the sinking ship of my life. Since discovering and understanding what it is that was "causing all the fights" I have even been able to turn the corner on my attitude about all of this confusion. One of the things that I would love to see you cover is the beauty of Narcissism. ( Is that an Oxymoron? or a pun? ) I think that we don't really understand something until it can be seen for it's excellence. I know that my husband has been conquering the world to the benefit of our family, with a strength that I could never have done while having the babies. I see elements of his charachter in the children which is allowing them to survive and thrive in the world as we know it. Although there is a lot of disconnect, there is another kind of beauty to it all. I think they pick people who are emotional sensory and logical because they need us, but I do think we need them, too. Have you ever gone into that ? Jen

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  14. Hi Jen,

    Yes I do think of that sometimes, like how good Steve is at remembering peoples names. He laughs at me when I am amazed by it and says - "That's what us narcissists do". He is also a great MC for the kids talent shows we run sometimes when he gets to lay on the charm (all for innocent reasons now of course!). Anyway I am glad that you found us and we were able to help and if you want to email anyone here direct, simply join the Google friends connect social networking bar at the top of this page.

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  15. Hi Kim...it's Jen,
    I'm pretty sure that last comment you responded to was Kathy, I think she might have been asking if I have gone into that...

    I can understand a bit what you guys mean, actually no that would be a lie, maybe at one point I will understand or see some sort of beauty behind the disorder but as for right now I can see nothing but hurt, pain, anger, rudeness, lies, ...I could list nasty words for a page I'm sure but I am far from finding anything remotely beautiful about what I'm living. I think I am so resentful because of what my children are forced to endure. I am an adult, I can deal with it and take as long as need be to try to fix the issues, my children however are innocent and the guilt I feel for what they are forced to endure is overwhelming, my oldest daughter will be 11...not many years left to be carefree, to be a kid. I battle everyday to know what is the right thing to do, to leave or to stay. It will break my heart to no repair to find her all grown up and know she spent everyday of her childhood being yelled at and barked at for everything under the sun. Sorry guys..no, no beauty here.

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  16. To the anonymous who left the comment on March 19. WOW that is my life. No beauty in this disease. I have been married to my husband for 10 years now. At first he was so charming and fun, I thought I had finally landed a good one. It has been a life of pure saddness. I have two boys. They are so wonderful and feel terrible as there mother that I keept trying and I have let them live in this home full of anger and hostility. Sometimes I feel there is no where to turn. How does one act like this to his family who love him and he feel no remorse. I lay in bed last night with only a few moments of sleep and keep wondering what do I do. What is this morning going to be like. We walk on egg shells. No matter how hard I try or how much I forgive the I am sorries keep coming but nothing ever changes. Give it a few days and we are right back to the day before. Kids and I are the faults for everything. I dont know. A counselor once told me to get out. No pill to cure him. I keep wondering was she right.

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  17. To the anonymous who left the comment on April 6 at 4:28am. In regards to your husband: "At first he was so charming and fun" "I thought I finally landed a good one"!!!!!!!
    Exactly my experience!!!!
    I met my wife on the internet and corresponded with her for 7 months, she wrote me wonderful letters every single day during that time. I decided to go to Russia and meet her in person!!
    I was overthere for 8 months and the day I married her I will never forget!! Over there I felt that I landed in heaven having met an angel!!!!! Believe me, I'am not at all a naive person and what I experienced in russia with her was her true self!!!!
    From day one we arrived in New Zealand everything changed and everyting turned to custard!!! It felt like a hurricane blowing through my heart and soul ripping it totally to pieces!!!!! It shattered me completely as it felt I had arrived with another person!!!!!!
    I did not understand it this total turn around and struggled with it for 3 years!! we split up a year ago as I got totally worn out trying to heal things!
    About 6 months ago someone I was talking to mentioned, It sounds like she is a rather narcissistic induvidual. The next day I was on the internet reading about narcissism on Kim's website and every site I log on to about this subject I found carbon copies of my wife's behaviour!!! It is a bit of a relief, as I lived for so long in total disbelief and frustration, and I'am contemplating to confront her with it, whatever the outcome will hold!!!

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  18. I understand the after the wedding change my husband is a soldier and currently over seas. We were together for 6 years before we got married and he was able to hide things so well very manipulative and charming but for the last 3 years before we got married I lived in a different state and only saw him on the weekends and talked on the phone so I guess it was pretty easy for him to hide things. I thought he was a dream come true there were some immature qualities but I was so inlove I overlooked those qualities and thought everyone has flaws. After we got married everything changed he was moody all the time up and down and I had to walk on egg shells all the time cause I never knew when he was in a good mood and when he was going to explode. We have been married for 4 years and throughout those years I didn't really even realize how unhappy I was I was just surviving. We had a litle boy last year born march 24th and 2 months before he was born my husband told me he wasn't in love with me anymore and if it weren't for our child he would leave me. I freaked out and thought it was all me if I could just be better thanhe would love me and I put up with his straight anger and hatefullness up and down one day he wanted to work things out the next day everything was all my fault and for the next 6 months it went like that until the final straw happened. On fathers day he walked by and I rubbed his back and he freaked out on me he told me he wasn't in love with me anymore again and that he didn't want me to ever touch him again and when he got back from over seas we were getting a divorce. The next day I had had it and I packed up my son and I and we left. I started counsoling and realized that my husband is a narcissist and I am beginning to get my life back again. He has been over seas for 4 months now and I am really struggling with do I stay when he comes home or do I send him on his way. He is still messing with my mind even over seas. One day he called up and said he is done with me and I might as well get used to the idea that we were getting a divorce and when I said ok thats fine I am done fighting with you he all of a sudden changes his tune and but well we can try to work things out though. He goes back and forth and back and forth like he is still trying to make sure he has some kind of control over my life even from thousands of miles away. I fight with anger and bitterness towards him and then still loveing him at the same time. I understand now with reading the material that I have gotten from kim and steve more about myself and why he acts the way he does but at the same time I fight with finally feeling freedom in my own life and wondering if it is worth going back to the hell I came from when he comes home. How do you fight narcassism when they are thousands of miles away and still trying to mess with your mind?

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  19. Follow up part 1

    I would like to comment further on some issues I really struggled with to comprehend during the time I was with my wife, and maybe Kim or Steve might be able to make sense to it!!?? By the way, when we met I was in my early fifties my wife mid fourties

    The hardest thing for me was her “eyes” don’t they say “eyes are the mirror to the heart”!!!! She had the most beautiful, soft, and kind looking eyes you can imagine, which, kind of, mesmerized me!! It was therefore extremely difficult to comprehend why this at first such wonderful person turned into a selfish and “nasty” individual, only looking after her own desires, concerned only with her own interests wishes and needs, and totally ignoring those of others, in particular those of her husband!!!! At first I thought she was suffering from a culture shock. Now after all the information I have gathered that was certainly not the case.
    Yes my wife was living in a fantasy world, that everything would be brought to her on a golden plate, feeling entitled to everything without doing the hard yards. Certainly I became a liar as I had her not properly informed in regards to the NZ climate, that the houses over here were cold and horrible, the health system was far from satisfactory.
    She was under the impression to find immediately a job which would make her mega bucks while she spoke only beginners English!!! Mind you I live for nearly 30 years in NZ and still find it the most wonderful place on this planet!!!

    My wife was never really interested in problem solving, never discussed anything really important, but announced….. what was going to happen, and I just had to follow and “fit in“ One example; she wanted to move to a apartment in town and announced we do not need a garage…… while I had a truck load of tools being a DIY person having made all my own furniture!!!

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  20. Follow up part 2

    And for sure she was a totally different person in public then in private, however she could turn often back to that charming feminine sexy person, which blew me completely of my feet!!!!! This could last for a few weeks until there was again a conflict!!! Yes I too was walking on egg shells. Although I became good friends with her teenage daughters, at that time she never ever supported me when there was a conflict between me and her daughters. For example when I came home from work kind of tiered I wanted some peace and a rest with a cup of tea!! However the radio was blaring out very loudly some horrible rap “music” what I wanted to turn down!!!!
    As the girls were doing their homework anyway!!!!!!!!!!
    But no I could not do that…… and I was called being selfish for heaven’s sake!!!????????
    Things were discussed between her and her daughters while I was away at work without any consultation or consideration for my needs and feelings!!!!
    She projected her own short comings on to the world, frequently blaming others and never at fault. My wife wanted immediate gratification for everything on a basis of impulse and demand!!!!!
    Suddenly she could change from one minute to the other, displaying suddenly a cocky and arrogant behaviour!! Also did she have an ability to put up a good “front” especially when we were around friends. My youngest son thou wasn’t that easily fooled as he always felt that she was putting on “a show” and in hind sight he was right!!!!!!
    One of the hardest things was when we had conflicts and things were not going the way she wanted it!! Then she took “control” and slept for weeks in another bedroom, depriving me from sex!!! That was her strongest weapon!!!!!!!!!
    She hung onto resentment for weeks and refused to be hugged or cuddled.. as I’m just the opposite and can easily forgive and forget!! No matter how calm forgiving and friendly I spoke she would not respond or she would reply deliberately in the Russian language which I did not understand.
    She felt that kind of grandiose, as she was convinced that she knew more that anyone else and was correct and right in almost anything she was saying and the things she was doing.
    On good days she would tell me that she truly loved and adored me, the next she could tell me that I was not a “Man” and that I was a liar.
    There was absolutely no consistency in my wife’s behaviour!!!!
    I believe now that she was hiding from me who she really was as she seems to be able to block out real and sincere emotion for what ever reason that might be. This might be for the reason that she never really had a father as she never saw him again after he left her mother when she was 9 years old. I’am looking for all sorts of reasons why my wife is so totally different from what the outside suggest!!!

    Jos

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  21. 6 years ago I landed a job with a local radio station. The DJ that worked there was also a musician. He was suprised at the fact I had never heard of him. He invited me out to his concert. I went and saw his wife there! So I left. He had been flirting casually with me and acted concerned about me and my current relationship. A few months down the road he brought in what I thought was divorce papers. Weeks later we were seeing eachother. He was like a dream come true. Charming, witty, called me all of the time. Every hour it seemed he would call, after a gig, he would call. I thought all of these phone calls meant he was into me. They were forms of complete control!
    He wanted to get married right away, and had me meet his daughter and I moved in. I got pregnant. He kept me in the house with no friends and no life. I began having seizures. I mentioned to him that I wanted to go stay with my mom since he would be traveling over the weekend. He told me" i could not leave, and took the battery out of my car and took my car keys. He then went with his mother who did not know the complete truth, and got a restraining order stating I could not drive because of having a seizure. That of course was his way of keeping me under his thumb. I found out about other women and spoke to his ex wife which lived my same life. 3 years down the road, and several lies later. I left and he still continues to make my life complete chaos. He lead a complete double life and still tells our friends how crazy I am, noone believes me! I don't know ho to get my life back. Everytime I speak to someone, they have already heard a made up lie from him. He of course is already exclusive with another women! I thought marriage was exclusive! I feel he has no soul and if anyone has advice for me and how to handle his childish behavior I need it now more than ever. I cannot afford any book, I have no home, no car, no family.

    Signed,
    Broken

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  22. Hi Broken,

    Please can you get in touch with our help desk at

    info@narcissismsupport.com

    and briefly explain your financial situation and someone will help you. Tell them I said you need Back from the Looking glass.

    Please hang in there and take care of yourself as best you can while you read our material and get some ideas of where to go from here.

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  23. Hi there, I am new to the forum bust have been dating my partner with NPD for about 15mths now. I am wondering if there are any groups in Sydney AUS that meet up to discuss the issues with NPD partners etc. I have been reading and learning a lot about the disorder although I feel like I'm losing the plot. I feel like I need to speak to other people (in person) that are going through what I am going through.
    Please help!

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  24. Hi Kellieo,

    Unfortunately I don't know of any groups. We hope to be setting up an online members only site soon. You might try your local family support neighbourhood center.

    Hang in there (-:

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  25. Dear Kim,

    I suffered greatly during our marriage, but at the time I didn't even know what Narcrssism was. However, I'm suffering even more now that my ex has used severe brainwashing, called Parental Alienation to turn my children against me. I haven't seen them in 50 days. I only get a slurr of obcenities on occassions like mother's day. Pychologists say the brain damage is permanent and that they will never function normally. I still can't believe that he destroyed the futures of our children for vengence. kay

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  26. kellieo, I am also in Australia, this is the only site I have found for NPD. I too am married to one. I spend my days walking on eggshells, mine can be really good one day and then really bad the next. He will explode for any percieved affront. Yesterday, we were travelling in his new vehicle which has the control for the external mirrors inside the drivers door (like all new cars). Anyway, he leant out of the window and started to change the direction of the mirror, I very politely (as I am ever so careful) suggested he use the internal control as he may cause some damage doing what he was doing. Well he went on and on like you can never believe. He is the perfect "mine host" to anyone who comes, although after 21 years that is few and far between. He has managed to frighten all my friends and family away as they are not good enough. I would go, but I keep trying to fix the problem.

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  27. Hello everyone. I feel akin to Kathy as. like her I have just realised that I have been married to a narcissist for 24 very confusing years! finally something makes sense. I have felt so confused and alone for so many years. this is my first visit here and already I have seen my own husband described over and over again. I wish I had never fallen into this bizarre trap. So much of my life has been dealing with this strange marriage and his erratic behaviour. I only hope we can both improve. I will need your support from you all, Thanks.
    Denise

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  28. Hi everyone,

    I am sorry that I got caught up for awhile and never got back to a few of the people who left comments here. I do the best that I can to answer questions but it really is important that you read our ebooks. They are not long and written so it is easy to go back and find stuff when you need it. I don't want to boast but they are not like most self help books where you have to read a whole novel to get 1 or 2 good ideas. They are jam packed with ideas and all of them (excpet for Back from the Looking Glass) are laid out more like a magazine than a book.

    I will always try and answer as many questions as I can here but it would be impossible for me to explain what you need to do in this small space anyway!

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  29. Yesterday was our 25th wedding anniversary. I found it hard to feel celebratory. But DID put forth effort. My interest is digital photography/digital art, so, yesterday I spent the afternoon creating a very special anniversary card for him. It took a long time to choose words that had special meaning. I handed it to him excitedly, and he said "only took you TEN HOURS" (no, it did not take 10 hours, he exaggerated EVERYTHING).
    I just find it so hard to understand how someone can justify treating the person they supposedly love like crap!
    I have spent more than half my life with this man on this roller coaster ride....I wanna get off!

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  30. Kim,
    My husband is seeing other women, how do I handled that. They pass us in the car and smile at him.What should I do? I am so upset and feel so helpless.He wont tell me the truth. HELP........He makes me fell so lost, what gives him the right to do that.

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  31. Was John Lennon a narcissist? I heard that Yoko arranged a younger lover for him for a few years, then arranged to get him back. What a pathetic thing to have to do for a man!

    I've realized that my ex-husband was a narcissist. Rejected me in favour of his hand and porn, then bankrupted me. My ex-boyfriend is also a narcissist. Rejected me in favour of hookers his daugher's age, with whom he uses--guess what? his hand.

    I've finally realized that my mom was a narcissist, and all these years I've been trying to fix and get love from carbon copies of my narcissist/BPD mother, who died years ago, still alternately nasty and nice.

    Knowledge is power. I now know that these people are too broken to love me back fully, and I cannot fix them--not because I lack healing skills, but because they are damn near unfixable and don't want to be fixed anyway for the most part.

    I have given up on the bastards, and I feel free. My next relationship will be with someone who can love me back, because I will not accept less.

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  32. I've only been with my guy for a year. We've spent more time apart than together.I'm about to go back to him, but this time, I'm armed with knowledge gained from this site. I'm hopeful, but not naive.My biggest worry is how to deal with him in the bedroom. He spends his day checking out other women and then in the bedroom, he pretends he's in bed with one that has taken his fancy. And by things he says, he lets me know that he's doing it. Ofcourse, if I say anything, it's all in my mind because, he says, i have a body issue and don't think I'm sexy enough to turn him on.But I never had this issue until he started this cruel game.What warped thinking these guys have. They really are very cruel. But for the most part, he's a nice person and I do see signs of him trying to change. That's why I'm willing to give it one more try.But how do you put boundaries on a man's fantasies in the bedroom. I know he's doing it because he makes sure I'm aware of it. But it can't be proven. And it's so hard to be strong when your own lovemaking is what's being used to bring you down. Any suggestions for dealing with this would be great.

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  33. Hi Everyone and dear Gen,

    Our program is not one to take on lightly. I would make sure you see him achieve some real challenges and also have some rock solid boundaries set before you agree to get back with him. One might be that he put security software on his computer that only you have the password to. People with narcissistic tendencies don't get better when they are still living on a diet of porn as this feeds their fantasy.

    You can say I see you have been working on yourself but I am looking for a guy who ---- and then set the challenge. It should be something real and that you now he needs to do to improve his self esteem. Then I would wait and see if he comes through before I hopped back in bed with him. The gap finder in the Love Safety net Workbook would be a great place for you to start figuring out what the best challenge would be.

    Men love challenges - especially if you make it fun and a bit sexy the way you ask and now before you have recommitted to him is a great time to start learning to set them.

    You can hear how worked up Steve gets about this even from us just talking about it in the radio show here;

    http://www.globaltalkradio.com/shows/lovesafetynet/program23.php

    (there is also a transcript if you don't have high speed internet)

    This show will give you some great ideas of the how what and why of challenges and you will also hear from Steve talking about it just how much guys like them!

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  34. Hi Kim & Steve
    Firtstly I want to add my Thanks for your work, thoughts, your website, radio shows & ebooks that have helped me enormously over the past year. THANK YOU. it is precious.
    But today I am again struggling badly.. with myself.
    I have been in a very challenging relationship for 2 years. The first 3-4 months he loved me so hard and deep and ever since it’s been like...one day he says he loves me & wants to move in with me, the next he is controlling, undermining & withdrawn and he calls me egocentric, selfish and worse - you know that word!
    I recognise I have got clingier & more needy as the relationship has gone on because it is so insecure. And my confidence has been badly damaged. He gradually withdrew s ex after the first year which had been a really strong part of our relationship. I am getting older & feel really unattractive.
    It appears that he is scared or unable or unwilling to commit to me. I know his relationship history .. lots of 1-3 year relationships. We are in our 40s. With his last partner he bought a house & moved in with her within a year of knowing her and within another year she tried to kill herself. I don’t know what this says.
    Anyway ... I have been trying to put into practice.. goal setting(I am a daily simpleology user), being independent(I have loads of friends [he has hardly any]), exercise(I run and mountain bike 2-5 times a week), good diet. I have no addictions. I hardy ever drink alcohol. I’m not saying I am an angel - just trying to illustrate my issue. I have tried NLP, EFT & counselling. I am having fortnightly CBT currently. I have read Christian Carter’s catchhimkeep him etc. I have tried many different approaches and it feels like either I fail at the approaches or nothing makes a difference for very long.
    I feel broken today. I know that I am REALLY poor at self soothing to the extent that I have been suicidal many times over the past 18 months. I have been prescribed anti-depressants but don’t want to take them.
    We agreed to try living together for a month. I was meant to move into his this weekend, and whenever I tried to talk to him about it he put off the conversation. Then last night he said we could do it next weekend. And I just feel from all I have been through that it is just avoidance - and that when next w/e comes he’ll just put it off again. I left his last night telling him that I want someone who is excited about moving in with me(as he had said earlier that day) and that he needs to think about what he wants and he should contact me when he knows what he wants.
    So why am I writing? - a) Are there any further tips on self soothing - I feel panicky & scared so often and b) I just don’t know whether to keep trying, keep reading, keep doing different approaches or whether to just break free of him. Both paths feel very painful. And I’m not even sure he would want to be with me anymore which despite all the bad behaviour hurts like hell. Again last night he tells me I am selfish. Maybe I am. i feel stuck between a rock & a hard place.
    Thanks again and any comments would be most welcome

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  35. Hi anon,

    Hang in there - I know you have done so much stuff that you probably have your head spinning by now but I want you to stop and ask yourself one question and ponder it until you know you have the right answer ...

    Why do you let him make you believe you are selfish? Because I truly think this is a lie.

    If you take the time to really find the answer you will be able to lift out the hook that he controls you with.

    Hang in there!

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  36. Kim,
    are you nocturnal? Thanks so much for your speedy response. I will work on the answer to that.
    You are an inspiration.
    x

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  37. I am so sad. I left my N partner due to no marriage after 6 years. Well, that's what all the books say to do. Leave him and he will want to marry you. Why do I want to marry someone who makes me crazy? I don't know. But, I miss him like crazy.

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  38. Hi everyone, I thought I'd write a post from the perspective of the "N". Yes, I'm narcissist, and only woke up to that fact a few days ago.

    My discovery came when, as a TAFE student, I could no longer cope or study at college any longer... and I realized I was just so flakey.

    Coming from a background where my father is an extremely cruel narcissist and my mother has always idealized me and treated me as someone "special", the truth is I have just completely lost touch with reality over the years.

    I only discover I'm a narcissist after realizing my Dad is one, and seeing many aspects of him in me.

    I've always seen myself as a good person, without realizing I was doing many unintentionally cruel and cold things to people. I've seen myself as a victim, and like any "N" I expected everything in life for nothing.

    Luckily for me and my family, my narcissism inst as bad as it is in some (like my Dad) and I think this means that I still have enough insight and conscience to rebuild myself and my life. I've never enjoyed cruelty like some "N's" thankfully, but have been cruel due to me being out of reality.

    I'm seeking counselling now, and am learning to give up lying bit by bit, but its a terribly hard habit to give up. I will need the emotional support of those around me to make it. Luckily, I have that support. I hope my story has helped anyone out there hurt by similar behaviour-

    Reforming "N"

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  39. Hi Reforming "N". I just wanted to say congratulations. Being married to a person with "n" tendencies I can see what a huge thing it is for someone like yourself to admit to and take responsibility for this and be motivated to change. Keep it up - only good things will happen for you if you do I'm sure as those supportive people around you will become even more supportive the more you take responsibility and work on yourself.

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  40. Hi Kim, After reading some more of your information I found that my fiance is a healthy narcissist. Thats sounds a little contradictive to me, my relationship is anything but healthy. Though in comparing the healthy vs the unhealthy I got the better deal. I understand it though. He can be great, but when he goes south...LOOK OUT!!!!!I cant wait to read your ebooks, Im ready to make whatever changes I need to in myself to make this work, Im sure if I change my reactions then he will have no choice but to change. I will keep you posted as too our progress. Thank you thus far, you've already helped and we're just getting started.

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  41. I've been involved with a lovely, caring, and giving man for two years. Although his is not narcissistic, he is divorced from a textbook and extreme narcissist, borderline personality disorder woman. She is awful. She manipulates him and still controls a great deal of what he does and, in turn what we are able to do (they have two children). He basically avoids the fight so simply gives her everything she wants. He NEVER confronts her on her very destructive and truly evil behavior. Although I love this man very much, I just don't know how much longer I can handle her control over our lives. Is it unreasonable to think that such a relationship can work. What does it take to get him to finally break free of her and set boundries. His response is always that it is simply easier to give her what she wants than it is to fight and call her on her bahavior....no matter how horribly she is treating him. I've asked that he reverts to a state custody schedule so that she can no longer dictate and change the schedule whenever she wants to. And, by leaving the schedule negotiable, their interactions have to be frequent giving more time to manipulate, fight and sometimes charm him into giving her everything she wants. He dosen't realize that he has been manipulated until days later. And the cylce continues (he tried to make it work with her for 17 years!)). Very co-dependant behavior. She obviously HATES me and her idea really is that "winning" involves ruining our relationship. Am I just fooling myself. This may not fall under your scope, but your advice would be helpful.

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  42. I have recently purchased 13 steps to a peaceful home, 10 steps to dealing with codependence and now the Love Safety Net workbook. WOW, a huge eye opener. After reading so much negative advice on the internet I was sceptical that anything would work. I completley understand myself now and my 2 ex's who were narcs. Having to deal with them (as I have a child with each) has been made a thousand times easier armed with the knowledge I now have. If anyone is sceptial about buying the books, just think about how much therapy costs, i've spend £100's on therapy, and not got anywhere. Buy the books, even if you are single it will transform relationships you have with friends or family members.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Ah. Good ol narcissism. Thankfully there is a name for this bizarre behavior. I've grown up with one, married one, dated one and worked with a few. Incredibly they're individual but the traits are there. Self boasting, the world is to blame, you're SO irrelevant, and the myriad contradictions that csn come from one person is just mind blowing. My late husband had a shrewd sense of humor. My sister is just a hot damn mess. Childish, temper tantrums, and truly unrelated most of the time. My ex, jeez... this guy showed zero emotion except over petty stuff and of course himself. This one new to me. But oh yes! He's well connected, quite important and nothing can take place if he doesn't participate in it. He'd whine and cry if I said it was time to move on. So I thought ok. I'll let him end it. He claimed to be everything he was not except a father and grandfather, brother and son. But he was physically present only. Aloof and shut off. Sohe finally got around to ending it. He truly made no difference to me. My co-worker was loud, obnoxious and truly did not care how she behaved. This woman could talk a good 7 out of 8 hours about herself and as a show of modesty would discuss news or celebrity topics. Then came the torturous and endless self praise. Dear God have mercy! Just about everyone in that department was wierd. Those people are called narcissistic suppliers. Do what you must to make for as peaceful of a day as possible. Narcissists actually have a gift albeit dangerous and destructive. Almost like mental grifters. Yet as "gifted" as they are, they seem clueless or confused as to what their thoughts are. They'll take a simple phrase and coin it as their very own creation. The inventor gets no credit. Or take a story and weave themsrlves right into it to make the story relate to some non existent event in their life OR put such a spin on an actual event to the point YOU get confused! Copycats and much more. They're almost entertaining if they weren't so destructive. They seem to try to get in where they fit in. But they're so self absorbed, the incessant banter about themselves gives them away if anyone hasn't tuned them out by then. They will make up things, contradict themselves and dont care if it's discovered. If so, then you're to blame. Their poor judgements or improper actions will have someone else's name on it. They know what they do. They'll even tell you and you may think it's a description of their temperament if provoked, for instance I don't bother people. If they try to start something and constantly pick at me, I let it slide for a bit then after a bit of time, you get a warning, the next time your ass is mine. These folks will warn you but it's completely out of context of normal provocation. Since they have no censure or boundaries really, THEY provoke and when it's responded to with a check mate if you will, they just go on a war path. And yes to the point of ruining you socially. Once you're " done," they breath easier knowing they have the power to destroy or devastate someone and they're in the limelight as the one to not mess with. Once you've come across one, you'll know the rest because the traits are the same. Adulation, grandiose thinking, self admiration and importance and the verbal abuse if it doesn't go their way but one of these traits will manifest and when it does, bow out and steer clear. This has been my experience and in reading about narcissism, the people I've encountered have these traits in common.

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