The 4 Secrets of Love

This article could be a whole new ebook, but instead I will give you the facts on this as quickly and simply as I can (-:

If that doesn't work - and I find there are a million questions posted here - I will certainly write more on this later, but let's see how we go ...

I hope that I can make this as simple as possible, because it is so close to my heart to genuinely help the millions of people totally disappointed in their love lives and who are feeling lonely and in despair. I have found it to be like one of those puzzles which can seem completely impossible (and that you want to smash with a hammer) until someone shows you the simple trick you never saw before.

Before I get to the 4 secrets however,  I first want to tell you what I believe is the single biggest relationship killer which is (drum roll) ...

fantasy

The narcissistic person's obsession with the idea of a 'perfect' partner makes them rude and unavailable to their loved ones, but I believe that most of us are guilty of this at times.

We have ideas about what we want in a partner and we want it all NOW! Of course when this dream does not materialise it is easy to become frustrated and angry that the object of our fantasies won't play along and GIVE US what we so desperately are longing for.

From our partner's perspective however this is very hurtful - because we all want to be loved for who we are - and us asking for them to be different may feel like rejection and create hard feelings and leave them feeling distant or cold and betrayed.

OK so now for those 4 secrets ...  These might seem pretty simple but I tell you they are very powerful once you put them into practice.

These are steps that will chase the fantasy out of your life and help you to become very attractive, while allowing your partner to be who they are while also becoming the best that they can be.

As much as we might all want the security of the happily ever after, it is usually the dating and getting to know each other stage in a relationship that is the most fun. So why rush to fit your partner into the box of the fantasy you had in your mind?

By learning to allow your partner to be who they are, while at the same time challenging them to always be improving, a committed relationship can become even more fun than dating.

OK so here are the secrets ...

1. Be with your loved one in present time;

Very often we are living in memories of the past or dreams about the future and are not available to see all of the details of what is happening right now. We are so busy wishing for what we want that we fail to see what is truly being offered and what is not. Getting into the moment and accepting and working with how things are right now, without trying to change anything allows a relationship to deepen naturally and grow. For example if you feel your partners anger coming your way you might say "I see you are feeling pretty frustrated with me?" and be open to hearing their truth. As awful as this may feel in the moment, them feeling safe enough to share without you needing to convince them they are wrong will undoubtedly pave the way for those feelings to change. A response to something very negative may simply be "I am sorry that you feel that way, I hope that things can change." This is honest, yet accepting of the fact that what they have expressed is where they are at. I remember this happening with Steve a few times where he would pour out the truth about hating us (his family) but once I stopped arguing and fighting him and just let him express this anger without me needing to try and change him or convince him he was wrong, it was then things started changing on their own.

This is very different however than just letting someone abuse you or getting into an argument with then and the articles I have written here on dealing with verbal abuse and ideas that will help with those situations. 

There are limitless examples of what can happen in present time and they are of course not all negative! Having the patience to let go of your fantasy and allow what is real to develop naturally will bring truth, spontaneity and intimacy to your life.

Be warned this may also mean that you need to face the fact that you are only with the person you are because you were hanging onto a fantasy and it is time for you to face facts that the relationship really needs to end.

I have seen this a few times, once with a pretty and intelligent girl who had her heart set on 'transforming' a vulgar young man with an IQ probably half of her own. In this case the fantasy of what she believed he could become was hurting them both and she needed to face the truth that she would never be satisfied with who he truly was and move on.

2. Be clear about what you want and need

This sounds simple but takes a lot of courage. Rather than being manipulative be clear. Doing so will make you very attractive and if there is any ground for rapport between the two of you (and you combine it with the other points here) it will see them eager to please you. Likewise it will see those who want to deceive or exploit you take a hike (and in the long run you should see this as really for the best).

EG

"My first priority now is seeing that you can pay the bills on time."

or if you are dating ...

"I am looking for someone interested in a solid and committed relationship and I would like some time to see if that is you."

The trick here is that these statements do not require discussion and should be left at just that. This is NOT you trying to convince someone to do what you want (which is VERY unattractive) it is you showing that you have the confidence to know and state what you want and the confidence in yourself (and who you are addressing) to also just leave it at that.

This may include you being aware of paths that you have been down before and 'in the moment' deciding that you do not want to go there again. This is because being both present and clear with your partner will also mean you being awake and honest enough to see when things are not as you would have them but still have the clarity to express your own truth ...

"I don't like where this conversation is going and I am not prepared to discuss this."

"I am not happy about you dragging our life into the gutter, you have responsibilities that one way or another you are going to have to face"

OR

"If this continues I will need to talk to ------- about my concerns for your health and reputation."

These are all examples of being honest about where things really are (no fantasy) and clear about your own boundaries and intentions WITHOUT trying to convince your partner to change.

3. Challenge rather than demand

As great as it might sound to have a partner who loved you for EXACTLY who you are without wanting you to change in any way, the truth is that you would probably become very bored. What nearly all humans have in common in fact is that they are happiest when they have challenges in front of them which will stretch them to grow, but that are still within their ability to achieve.

Do you want your partner to be more responsible with money? Rather than demanding what you want RIGHT NOW, get into present time and see the truth of where they really are. Once you have seen and accepted this you can then set a few smaller attainable goals that will help get them to a better place.

These goals should clearly be in their own best interest as much as they are in yours.

"Let's see if you can start saving a bit of money each week in an account that you don't touch."

or

"I don't care what they think of you at work, I would be impressed to see you spending more time with the kids."

These examples will be much more likely to get their competitive juices going than "I need you to (blah blah blah)"

4. Don't protect your love from tough life lessons ...

Protecting someone in this way does nothing for either of you. For example if your partner's irresponsibility with money is hurting you both, it may be time to put in place some solid and protective measures (separate bank accounts, moving assets out of their name etc.) and let them face their own financial demise. We often only learn from our mistakes and being realistic and in present time about where your partner is really at and what they are needing to learn will help you with this too.

Convincing the police not to charge or apprehend a person who is clearly behaving in an anti social manner is another example of protecting a person in a way that you both will end up worse off for.

So those are my 4 secrets and believe me they will work much better than some of the weird, unusual, insecure, and crazy behavior that I see otherwise wonderful and solid people falling into when they are not getting what they want in their love life.

Maybe you can think about each point and make up some scripts of your own for situations you find you often run into. Being in present time does not mean being unprepared and if you have faced the same disappointing situations over and over again it may be time to let go of the fantasy of what will happen 'next time' and be better prepared for the reality of what is more likely to occur again.

Hang in there (-:

Kim Cooper

49 comments:

  1. Thank you for the concrete examples of exactly how to phrase things. Keep 'em coming!

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  2. Wow! Fantastic and to the point. As always helpful information that I can use right away to help both me and my husband find peace in our marriage. Thanks.

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  3. Thank you, just what I needed!

    Tifini Orme

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  4. My husband constantly talks about negative issues. I change the subject often, but it is exhausting. How do I tell my NPD husband, that I need more upbeat conversation without enduring either his rath or being emotionally abandoned?

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  5. you are so right i dont know why i didn't have this info how to get in touch with you before my x husband went and had these other women , we split up almost 9 months ago, i dont know where im going but im ok. sometimes i still miss him and i say im not going back there and i thank god that he hasn't tried to come back. the thing is he still helps me out once in a while. he gets very upset if thinks i have a boy friend, i have friends but im not jumping into a relationship im not ready yet.he is shacked up twice since we split up.

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  6. Thanks Kim, I found you and your site out of complete desperation. I had been married for 18 1/2 years with four children when my husband had an affair and decided he didnt want to be with me anymore, the process has been very painful and our whole family has been deeply effected. He is still with this other woman and has tried to come back to me numerous times, but I did not know how to handle all of this and so he would run back to her, when he couldnt get what he wanted from me.. I am trying to see if I want to save our marriage, but right now he is fixated on a divorce and we are in the process. I have a deep faith in a higher power and am just taking life a day at a time. I thank God for you and Steve and hope that if anything I will learn how to have a better relationship down the road....

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  7. I listened to your radio talk last night, and felt it was a revelation to me.
    I have struggled with conflict for 22+years.
    I feel I grasped the point you were making of monitoring my own response,trying to remain calm, not saying anything, keeping out of the way if today is a bad day for him etc.
    The only part I can control or change is my own response.
    I liked the idea too, that I should focus on my own goals and projects. This will allow me to remain upbeat,focused and constructive in my own life.
    I shold not let the turmoil of stirred up and confusing emotion hurled at me, throw me into a flat spin for too long.
    I should step back, regain my composure, and refocus on what I was working on.
    This is great.

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  8. I found your website a few months ago and I cannot begin to tell you how it has cleared up my perspective on what had been such a confusing, frustrating and unhappy marriage of 17 years. My ex-husband and I finally split up 4 years ago - and because of what I have recently learned about a narcissitic personality disorder - I suddenly feel like I can 'breathe' on my own again. Every day for years I feared the 'mood' of my ex - I couldn't begin to make sense of his behavior. Everything you have written about, as well as what you and Steve have talked about makes so much sense. All of the manipulations, the mood swings, the humiliating comments ... I can understand mostly why he acted this way then and why he still trys to do these mean things now. I had been really worried about his influence on my 3 kids - but I now feel more confident of how I can help them with their own confusion regarding their Dad's inconsistent behavior. And for myself, I am determined to never be vulnerable to a narcisistic person again. Thank you very much for all that you do to educate people about Narcissism.

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  9. I'm one of the narcissists that has been such a pain to the women in my life since I was a teenager. I've only recently begun to understand that I'm the one who has to change not my wife. This is my 3rd marriage and I had an affair and cheated on her and now we are separated. Because of this my 3 youngest kids have been moved by their mom (my 2nd wife) so far from me that all I can do now is talk to them by phone. The things that you and Steve share are really a big part of my education and recovery from insanity - doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I know that for most narcissists even admitting that they have a problem is rare and that's why your focus is so much on the partner who's been living with them. For me, I have to interpolate the information to try and use it to help myself and it works for the most part. Some practical stuff from you guys for those of us who are the problem would be great. Thanks for all you're doing.

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  10. I am grateful for your detailed descriptions of NPD behaviour and it's impact on those around them........in my case it's my Mother who is affected and also has symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic PD and Anorexia......she is in complete denial of her condition and this has been going on all my life.....she is now 74 and it is only in the last 4 years that I have had some idea of what I've been dealing with......her patterns of consistent conflict and humiliation, criticism, undermining and manipulation, over controlling.....lying.....is so dysfunctional and torturous and affects our small family, my three children and myself in such dire ways.....
    I am trying to extract every ounce of strategy and knowledge to cope and support her, yet create some protection for my children and myself to be able to get on with our lives.....I even live 4,000 miles away from her......but it doesn't negate the fact she is my Mother and I still feel responsible for her....It's the hardest challenge I have ever had to face......I have most recently explained to her she has these symptoms of these disorders.....and she is now refusing to speak to me and saying she disowns me......it is so draining......I am going to Canada to bring all my family together under one roof, for Christmas and try and create a togetherness feeling.....as you have put it,.....in real time.......Thank you for your willingness to gather information and share amongst a network of supporter/sufferers....Light is at the end of a very long dark tunnel......Tess

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    Replies
    1. Celiac can cause what you mentioned...axorexia/BPD and more. Not eating gluten/dairy/soy/sugar and taking vitamins/good oils and LDN may help the brain/body/personality.LDN is about $1`a day and ~ no side effects and is like a miracle to me and my son....it helps to block Celiac. Best wishes.

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    2. Celiac may cause anorexia/BPD and more. Not eating gluten/dairy/soy/sugar and taking vitamins/good oils and LDN may help brain/body/personality. LDN is cheap ~$1 a day and ~ no side effects...it helps to block Celiac and may help like a miracle. Best wishes.

      Delete
  11. That was so good and so true. Your site has helped so much and continues to help.

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  12. I am very thankful for discovering your website
    many months ago. I am very ill, and fighting those battles on my own, because of NPD, Sociopath husband. I have gained much insight and understanding for where his mind is in our marriage and relationship. He was given many options and pleas for help and change, but out of fear, arrogance, not being able to to face truth, all attemps had failed. I pray for his well-being, and that he finds his way with his emotions and inapproriate behaviors. It has almost cost me my life once, and two incidents of abuse in the past, not including all the emotional verbal abuse.But, i end this season im my life, wishing him well, and to be able to deal with "the real demon's" he is fighting inside, not allowing someone to help before he loses even more valued relationships.
    The website and talk radio has been a wealth of information, and transformation for me, in learning about the disorders. My husband is in the military, so it was even more difficult in his rank to come to the table to get help. I am sorry the military punishes it's enlisted saying they will help you, but then consequences come for stepping up. Unfortunatly, he was like this befor military and still refused any counseling to help the relationship. There has to be a time, when you realize this illness is bigger than you, and to let the one you love go, so the damage will end, and a new season can begin.
    I am very greatful for all the wonderful information, links, radio, and emails , supportive during an extremly difficult time of trying to understand what we were tryimg to deal with.
    Change is possible..............but the soul, mind, body and spirit need to follow. And actions speak louder than words, instead of always "i am sorry" after horrible in appropriate behaviors.
    Gob bless and keep whomever is enduring thisin their relationship.A i wish you strength and guideance throught this awsome resource LOVE SAFTEY NET. ALOHA

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  13. I was in a gay relationship for 13-years whereby I was the breadwinner, and my partner worked some but mostly took care of the home. Although I generally provided her with Cart Blanche, many times she would find reasons for me to give her substancial amounts of money, just for herself. Finally, after I was physically abused by her 2.5 years ago, I found out about her affairs with both men and women that she would never admit to. This has been the hardest relationship for me to understand, as well as, deal with such a lonely and painful recovery. Although I still deeply care for this individual, you have helped me to understand, and regain the emotional strength I've needed to move past a very depressed period and work towards planting both feet on the ground once again. Thank you!

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  14. I have been trying to apply some of your advise in my relationship with my daughter. She is 25 years old and is extremely hard to deal with. It takes a lot of energy and attention away from my other responsibilities. I have tried to ignore her behavior, but her craving for attention causes the whole household to focus on her usually in a negative way. I feel if she does not get a handle on her behavior, her ability to lead her own life seems to be only in her dreams. Thank you for all the time and information that you have invested. I continue to hope that I can apply your methods to my own personal story.

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  15. Hi to everyone who has posted here and thanks for your generous feedback.

    To the man who is battling his own narcissism (congratulations!) I would recommend you visit our site at www.narcissism.com.au and read through the information you will find there and subscribe.

    To Linda, I really feel for you and I know exactly what that is like. Steve used to be like that and it would go on for days on end until I would just explode! The thing to realise is that it is a way for him to get his anger out. You might say "Wow you really are feeling very angry about that aren't you?" about whatever it is he is talking about and see if he cannot discharge some of this himself.

    If Steve is like this I will also sometimes get angry to let the pressure off but the trick is to do it before you really feel overwhelmed. That is a trick I learned from Steve Biddulph who teaches people to do this with kids. If you get angry early it surprises people and you can then still be in control and even play act a bit. Maybe you remember a teacher like that at school who all of the kids probably liked? They would make a big show of blowing up but you knew from the faint smile on their face that they were really acting and still completely in control.

    The other thing is to stay focused on your goals, so you can blow up a bit but then have something to stomp off and do so he is left going "Uh Oh, what do I do now?"

    This is not easy however and it will take time. Looking at the gap finder in the Love Safety Net Workbook will help you to. Some challenges in the right areas will help long term in building his self esteem so he does not feel so threatened that he needs to be negative all the time. I know this was it with Steve. When he felt like a failure he hated the whole world but now that he feels a success he is much more generous and forgiving.

    I hope this helps, and yes I will work on more scripts as they really do come in handy sometimes!

    Kim Cooper

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  16. Kim & Steve :

    Thank you so much for your divine work. All of my life has been filled with extreme nars. I never KNEW !!!
    this revealed itself in my last relationship, (after 13 yrs of solo) where i was blessed ~ sobered to look at ALL the roots of ALL enmeshnent in my life. (54 yrs. -- back to pre natal) FUN

    In the span of last year =
    recieved life long awaited love - highest of alive fantasies -- to the lowest abysmal pit ever X multipled by insanity,
    kicked when i'm down, and roller coasting on torture & trauma, losing career, being stocked, possessions missing??? "looks" like almost losing my home, estranged family & friends, getting pulled constantly down and down to the familiar mire of the pain body........... to the point of repeated very dark shut downs, where i would just be sucked & not even have words (OR HEARING HIS MUDDLED LIFELONG SICK PROGRAMMING --INFLICTED UPON ME-VIOLATING ALL SPACE )
    THROUGH TRANSFERENCE

    all ways being there for him/never me
    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

    Any moment that i could not speak, there was your FREE SIGHT -- allowing the good love to be accepted, holding all of my life together,(brain as well) clearing lifelong patterns, reclaiming of soul....
    I feel so graced & honored for the guidance you brought to my heart life

    I HAVE SO MUCH GRATITUDE to OUR HIGHEST POWER that you both are unfolding such love, and sharing your golden warmth with this mother planet, IN THIS PRECIOUS GIFT OF TIME.
    Thank you for this key that finishes this puzzle
    FOR OUR CHILDREN
    AND OUR FUTURE

    HAPPY CELEBRATING NEW LIFE LOVE
    THANK YOU FOR BEING ON THE PLANET

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  17. I was the fourth wife of a classic. He had no telling how many affairs and I discovered this site too late as he had already gotten someone pregnant, and wouldn't face the piper. Probably for the best as he had become more and more violent.
    I have read a tremendous number of books talked to countless counselors and I can tell you this web site probably the best there is.
    If you listen to what Kim and Steve tell you and do what they tell you, you will be successful....IF You believe you will. The person you are involved with is working very hard to destroy your will, your ability to believe. You MUST do this first otherwise it is just feathers in the wind.

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  18. Hi there, your advice is very sound and acurrate. At the moment my husband has been left to his devices, I do not comment on things unless he asks me. His money situation is now his own responsibility and I have done this now for 10 years. But at the same time that things go well for me and the kids, he gets very jealous and then proceeds to compete with me! He has more money to spend, more in the bank, but has nothing to show for it. I now run my own house, pay my own bills and only ask him to contribute towards his children, which I think is fair. He still protests though. My son has just gone to university, passed his driving test first time and the three of us are happier now then we have been for a while. My husband though is still plagued by his own insecurities and fear of life (as I see it). I do not hound him with phone calls and questions anymore, and he has slipped with his behaviour. I said"goodbye" and he rang our son and told him he wanted to commit suicide, later revealing it as a way to come "home!". I have just dicided to let him loose. My degree is suffering and I have been told that if I dont pass any more subjects- they will stop my degree. I seem to loose more of myself, and he wins.

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  19. Looking back I've had quite a good year. I've set myself some challenges as per Kim's advice and achieved a lot:
    I went to the police station and talked to their domestic abuse worker.
    I completed 20 tough gym sessions, which was the target I had set myself. I will do more in the new year but my joints are aching!
    I have given up coffee.
    My younger daughter is starting to see through her father's behaviour more.
    I have improved relations with my eldest daughter - more to do there as she she is quite isolated.
    And after a couple of times when I challenged my husband in quite a big way I'm noticing he's more cautious and ready to apologise. He playacts as if he were endlessly accomodating and then acts out later on as if he had 'put up with so much'. However I don't feel guilty any more and that really helps. I'm a bit stumped with bringing more adult influence into the home as we are much too isolated as a family, so that will be my challenge for the New Year. Are you still doing 'Pen Pals' Kim and Steve? If so I would love it if you could put me in touch with someone on my side of the planet. But I thank God it is such a small world and I found you! Merry Christmas-Maggie

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  20. Hi Maggie and all!

    We are not arranging pen pals, but if you join Goggle frinds connect on this site you can write to people here. I have to admit I am not sure excactly how this works yet but I will figure it out today hopefully and email everyone who has joined.

    To the woman who wrote saying her husband threatened suicide with his son I would say that this is something you definately need to report to the authorities and let him face the music. I would also suggest that while it is great you have mastered magic scissors you still need to do some investigating and find out what his double life is about for your kids sake whether you stay together or seperate. This knowledge is going to give you a lot more power to bring in outside agencies etc to back you.

    It is great to hear you all getting so much stronger and clearer and with the new year coming it is certainly a great time for setting yourself more goals and challenges (-:

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  21. i'm still in the process of trying to figure out my husband, and see if he fits this profile, and whether or not this marriage is worth saving. I can't go to any sites, read anything, or listen to anything while he is around. we work togther, in close confines and travel for work, so there is virtually no getting away, no way to source information until moments like these, late at night when he's finally gone to bed. i hate the secrecy but need to do it for my own peace of mind.
    what i find more hurtful and annoying than anything else, is his double standards. he has ruled and controlled me ever since we married, with one set of rules for me, and another for him.he continually tells me (abusively) to get out of his life, that i am nothing without him, that i'm insance, dumb, crazy, lazy, unappreciative, unthankful, etc etc.(of course there is continuous swearing interspersed in these lectures i get). he criticises all my family members, yet expects me to embrace all of his (which I have done unconditionally). He says i am the problem and am 'always bitching'. I cannot reason with him, and find the whole relationship extremely confusing.
    he says I don't want to get along, and am always trying to fight, which is untrue. he doens't like to see my point.
    this is just a glimpse of what he is like. i try and keep quiet, not rock the boat, but then i get upset when i see him being so hypocritical. I then voice my feeling and once again, peace is shattered.

    I have repeatedly suggested we seek counsel,(which we can easily get) but he threatens me with divorce etc if I speak to anyone.I have spiritual men who are more than willing to speak to him, but he won't and thats when he thratens me with divorce if i go to them.
    are these the signs of an abuser? he can be very nice and loving, but it is so tenuous, and as soon as i feel comfortable and relaxed and 'secure' and able to speak, it blows up in my face, and we're 10paces back. our marriage seems to be in a rapid downard spiral. it has been like this for about 33 of the 34 months we've been married.
    interestingly- he always accusingly asks me if i think i'm in some fairytale, yet i think he's the one living in a fantasy, wishing for perfection and not getting it out of me.
    i found some of the comments in the above posts to be very interesting and definately worth applying.

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  22. Hi The first thing I would suggest is organise your life so you get more privacy and stop letting his threats of divorce threaten you.

    Tell him what you are doing, say stop threatening me and then go ahead and do it. Don't ask permission any longer.

    So yes these are the signs of an abusive relationship and without action and courage on your part it will continue to get worse noy better.

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  23. What a great Christmas gift to find that my Boy friend of 3 1/2 years 71 has this NPD. It made no sense to me until I saw your list and he fit every one. I am free and broke up. I will work on my Codependent and vow for the new year to go to a meeting and hopefully learn how come I pick these men who are abusive. Like my Father was.God Bless you. you gave me a peaceful Christmas. I just found this and my friends said the weight was lifted from me and it shows.Now I can move on. It's sad at times Christmas without him. but i have the list and read it every morning. 68 and this NPD is the Answer. Thank you isn't enough I wish you two a blessed Christmas.I need as much info as possiable.

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  24. Hi Kim and Steve, I have been dealing with a boyfriend for 3 years and trying to figure him out We moved in together and life living with him as been hell. One minute he is sweet and nice and the next minute he is angry emotionally unavailable and blames me for things that do not go right in his life. i am always trying to keep the peace and when I do get upset and speak up for myself he thinks I am the one with the problem. He says hurtful things and later apologizes. I have to kids that are not by him. I dont like my daughter or son seeing him stay up in his room when he is having a bad day or wants to be by himself. I have discovered he has an porn addiction and he gets upset when I discuss it and tell me that he is not having an affair or seeing no one. Even though I found inapproriate text messages to another woman. He apologized and he never saw her or had sex with her. I am fed up with the porn and spends alot of money on it. When I bring it up, he starts sweating and getting upset and trys to find a reason to break up with me, then the next day he apologigizes and says how much he loves me. It is a continued pattern. I like to be to him self alot. I am fed up with this and dont like the constant aruguing and sorry syndrome. He treated his mother mean when she was alive, he also has no relationship with his sister, even though she calls him sometimes. he was abused as a child and his mother did not raise him. I tells me i am the best thing that has happened to him. I dont know why I tried to save this relationship. His mean and hurtful comments are constant and he is so negative. He has all the traits of a narcissist. I need guidance.

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  25. Hi anon who says she has been living with her boyfriend 3 years ...

    I would highly recommend that you purchase the first introductory special on our website which you will be offered when you subscribe. It includes Understanding Love (the audio) as well as my ebooks "Back from the Looking Glass" and "The Love Safety Net Workbook". The advice you need is all there whether you decide to stay or go.

    Steve had a problem with porn as well so I really feel that our advice might help you as your situation is similar in that way.

    In a nutshell when he is apologetic you need to say that you will not leave him (if that is what you decide) but that the porn has to go. You must get him to agree to let you put security software on his computer and also let him know that if the problem continues you will need to start talking to people who have influance on him (someone who would be shocked at his porn habit) about your concerns for him. If he says it is only you making it a problem you need to be very firm and clear at saying that no it is affecting your relationship and damaging his life.

    Our ebooks and advice will help you wether you decide to stay or go and hopefully give you some better understanding and or closure either way.

    Hang in there,

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  26. This is very good, but I think the number one secret to love is to give and forgive. As long as both partners can participate, the marriage will be healthy.

    We create our love towards another by giving to them, not receiving from them. Parents cannot choose their children, but love them unconditionally. People sometimes leave fortunes to their cat or some other pet.

    People who are committed need to put their partner's needs in front of their own, and make their partner's happiness their main goal in life. They will then automatically be happy since their major concern is for the other and not for what they themselves may be "lacking" that is "preventing" them from happiness.

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  27. Kim & Steve,

    Thank you for everything you have done to help those of us with NPD-Co-dependent relationships. You are brave, courageous and bold-and loving. I hesitate to say that I admire you, Kim, above all. I have been married to a NPD for over 35 years. Finally, I am now consciously "out smarting" him to get divorce papers signed. I loved this man. I did look into my heart and figure this out. I am myself not without flaws, and also a highly capable professional woman and a mother of three daughters whom I deeply love. I need nor want an ounce of pity. I am not a victim any more. I need to move on, even hope for a true relationship.

    My question is: what the heck has this all been about?? He is deeply committed to his NPD,now alcoholic, lifestyle. I spent at least 20 of the last 35 years trying to understand and "fox" the problem. Impossible. Now, I am trying to be peaceful with all of this - for now and always. AND, my ex is going to carry on his mean hate games towards me forever, it seems-manipulating our kids, lying, denying, and "crying!"

    Able as I am, and hard as I "tried," I have said "enough." Perhaps the next area for you guys is this part--the one that says karma will never let us be free of the NPD in our lives. Is this the practice of my life-peaceful abiding?

    To Steve, I hope you NEVER forget for one minute the jewel that is Kim. She is a bodhisattva.

    Thank you for your work.

    Larraine, Wisconsin

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  28. Hi to everyone and to anonymus that says we need to work to make others happy to make ourselves happy, I wonder, does this mean buying an alcoholic booze and handing them the bottle? For myself I would prefer if my friends had the courage and wisdom to set me on my head when I was going the wrong direction. Besides when Steve was behaving narcissistically there was absolutely NOTHING that was going to make him happy. I forgave him and continued to love him sure, but I also brought in a support network to protect me from his abuse and started living for myself and not his approval.

    Hi Larraine, congratulations on moving on, I know that you are going to do great. Your husband is a scared man who is not strong enough to deal with the vulnerability that love causes in us. If you can, try and pity him, but also do not get caught in his games. Take a step out and do the really hard work of taking it all to a level that is higher no matter how much you probably want to kill him (LOL). There is a saying I heard once that is karma = incompletions. That helped me and I hope it helps you. If only in your own mind, what it means to me is if it is over let it be over!

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  29. One game is oppositional defient disorder....doing the opposite but really wanting things to work...testing people. I read a book: Why Men Love Bitches....it was just the right amount of taking care of yourself and not letting the guy run over you. Also not eating gluten/dairy/taking vitamins/good oils/LDN helps the narcissist who is Celiac so they don't get worse.

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  30. Hi anon June 13th - Yes I have noticed with myself that food intolerances do play havoc with my moods. I am not celiac myself but I avoid gluten anyway as I know I do a lot better without it.

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  31. These reviews are very helpfull to me. I see my husband in most of them. My husband lies to me all of the time,about little stuff and he thinks it is funny. When I go to town he is always calling me and asking me where I am at,he is always listening to the background music. This is awful while he is doing what ever he wants to do. When we are going to church a women will pass our car and wave at him,he said he doesnt know who she is but it happens every sunday.
    This makes me sick at my stomach. He has ruined our relationship,shame on him. I hope that everyone reading this will keep up their faith in GOD.Remember there is always HOPE,FAITH,LOVE,JOY keep these words close to you,knowing you are a very good person and that you deserve better. Always keep praying and reading the bible. God Bless You All ! ! ! !

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  32. Hi Kim how can I email you confidentially
    I am concerned seriously about my wife who 100% feels i am a narcssism which I feel I am not and nether do psychologists but for some reason she is trying to build a case for some reason I think it is to protect her past.

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  33. Anonymous June 30th,

    You do need to resolve this conflict with your partner, even if you have a good relationship with Him. Kim's suggestions will help you with you partner.

    Steve.

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  34. HI Anonymous,

    We are about to launch a personal mentoring package in the coming weeks. It will attract a fee, of course, but in the meantime, would you like to anonymously post a couple of questions here for us to attend to? We'll do our best to respond promptly.

    Steve.

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  35. Hi Kim & Steve,
    Many thanks for your website, insight and advise.
    I believe my boyfriend of 6 yrs is suffering with a form of NPD. After researching recently, so many of the symptoms and causes ring true. Unlike most though, he realises there is an inner reason which makes him detach from interpersonal relationships after a certain amount of time (we split up 3 yrs ago and unfortunately history is repeating itself again now 3 yrs on..) I'm unsure we can save our relationship (we can't keep letting this happen every 3!), but he has at least gone to get help from a counsellor. I know you recommend not telling him, but I honestly think it may help him understand why he feels/acts the way he does. We're both very confused right now...Please help!

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  36. I read over your website all the time, I can't tell you how many nights I spend pouring over the information, stuck in a relationship I know I never should have kept alive for over a year. But I did, I'm co dependent and my life has been hard this last year. I love the attitude of your website, about not having to leave. I stayed with an alcoholic bf against everyones urging and I'm glad I did. He moved to another state to be near his family while he worked on his recovery. I had to reamin in a different state for child custody reasons. We kept it alive through long distance, and by showing him love and compassion and learning to maintain, safe, clear boundries we had a good relationship. We both have moved on to other relationships in our own states, but we remain friends and it's healthy. However, I'm applying much of that same philosophy in this relationship that hasn't been the relationship I wanted ever. I compromised and settled myself till I feel crazy and act like an idiot when I have to deal wtih my bf. I have set boundries that he ignores, then out of exhaustion I begin to ignore. He hasn't worked in 9 mos, his car was repoed, he doesn't have a cell phone, lives with him Mum, so I feel sorry for him and want to help motivate him. He's having none of it. I break down and just pay him to do odd jobs I could do myself around the house. Now I can find the good and I do. The thing is, this isn't the relationship I want. I think I'm very realistic, trouble is he is a habit. The one person that has witnessed the hardest year of my life. Which is likely why I stayed, I had so much to overcome that I was not in control of, that I just couldn't have everything in failure at the same time , or so I thought, and he was good company probably half of the time. I like to talk, but we goes days without talking. Last Christmas it was just him and me and my son. He spoke to me maybe 10 minutes. Didn't get me a gift, but bought himself a video game. He smokes and I buy him cigarettes. He acts like he would like to see me then asks me to get him a pack of smokes so I do it then feel badly that i did since I usually don't have enough money to do what I want to do or need to do for me and my son. I don't want to date a man who won't get a job. I send him information to help, he doesn't even open the e mails! He hasn't applied but to a handful of jobs. I know he feels badly about himself, and I try to be a positive motivator for him. Pointing out his true good qualities, and he has some. I feel invisible. Anyway, I want out but I keep getting lured back in. So then I act badly and am embarrassed and apologize, then I feel weak ...on and on. So I'm going to break up and I have to stick to it. I read in the beginning of this post (and I really needed to read that) about how a girl realized that this wasnt the man for her and she had to move on. I need to do that. I can do that lovingly, and leave my integrity intact and not beat him down. I really like the loving way you approach all the issues that you can have with relationships, even breaking up. Thank you for all the information you generously share with the world. You help so many people.

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  37. Hi, Blood tests and biospies to diagnose Celiac (can't eat dairy/gluten) may not work, so not eating them for a few weeks and then eating them again sometimes helps a person know if they are Celiac. A food diary helps to figure out what is affecting a person that day. I can't have sugar/starch also... The whole family tree maybe Celiac. If they all get help...it may help bring sanity to the family. The brain/body is affected...if they don't feel good they can be irritable/crabby/blood sugar crashing and more Alcohol has gluten in it...Celiac's crave gluten/dairy which is hurting them. Anyone who goes to the psychiatrist office or suffers from depression/bipolar/narcissism/anxiety/panic/suicidal and more maybe Celiac.
    My son is just starting to act narcissitic, but he is only getting half of the Celiac help he needs so far. I pray he will do the maximum Celiac help and stop his body/brain from going downhill more.

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  38. Pregnnant & abondonDecember 6, 2010 at 4:29 PM

    WOW! The information in this website is huge and has really start to help in understanding so many things, but my heart is so broken. I have lived with a man for over a year with his my son and his three boys who came parttime with us. I grew close to the kids and believed were building a family. The relationship has recently ended but I am pregnant so we stayed in contact and even had started talk about working things out again. I feel abandon and his lies are so extrem. When he first left he ran to an exgirlfriend then he left her. He was coming around but still wasn't home he was out all the time drinking and using drugs I beleive he was also sleeping with other women. He continued to tell me how he loved us and wanted to be back that he was just unable get out of his current situation and lifestyle. My instinct kept telling me that there was more to his story so I searched and I found he was lying. He had another girl he had even while he was with te last women. He lead them both to beleived they were engaged to him which doesn't surrprise me because he has done that with other girlfriends but wont admit. It hurt so bad when I found out and he had even come over in her car and taken me to the doctors in it, his kids were already around her and he had promised me he wasn't involved with anyone. I slept with him a few times in the three month he hadn't live with me, but only because he lead me to believe we were working on being a family. When I found out he had another girl called and threatened him,accused him and even said he could die and I didn't care. I even contacted his new girl and let her know the truth but she continues to believe he has been only with her when I told her of my pregnancy she didn't care and said he wouldn't have anything to do with me or my child. I think he maybe living with her now. I have since stopped contact and don't really know how he feels or if any of the relationship we had was real or just fantasy. Its killing me I do love him and wish to God he could he how harmful this all is to me, himself and the kids involved. My pregnancy has been an emotional roller caoster. I found this website and believe that his case is very sever. We were friends before we got involved and his family has been apart of my life for years but most of them had just kind of givin up on the idea he will ever change. I believe anyone can change but at this time don't know what role if any I play or if I should cut my losses and just forget about him. My heart is torn I don't think he even cares bout being there for this baby when he is born. After I blow up at him about this girl (who is only 21 he is 28), he announced his engagement to her on the internet. When I talked to him he never took accountablity for lying or for his actions he said I was crazy and why did it matter what he was doing any way. He is currently in legal trouble for another woman is used fiancially and he even in one case told me the girl he was with he was using too. I've started to seek therapy and am trying to just let things play out, but I must admitt I'm falling apart and my emotions are getting the best of me. I worry my baby maybe born depressed or stressed. I'm trying so hard to just be about me and my children and stay focused but I cry at any given time. I have great support and know I can raise my baby alone and am prepared for him not be here. What hope is there for someone in this situation.

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  39. Hi pregnant and abandoned.

    In a sense the fact that he has gone and you now have some understanding of this should give you some hope.

    Can you move in with your family for support while you have the baby? He will be a liability and not a help when the time comes and so it would be much better if you could surround yourself with mature people who will be loving and supportive. The exercises in The Love Safety Net Workbook and 10 steps to overcome your codependence will help you and if you do get back with him please make sure you get Back from the Looking Glass. The advice I offer in these books is very inexpensive compared with the dangers of facing this un prepared. It is still going to be tough but if you set some goals for yourself based on your own self esteem and security - and don't be looking anymore for a man's love to save you - you will be OK. It is this type of attitude towards life that attracts lasting love anyway.

    You need to take care of yourself and the baby now and the hormones that childbirth bring won't make dealing with him any easier.

    There will be time in the years to come for you to figure out your relationship with him and your child but for now you must realize that he is still a child himself and he wouldn't be able to help you through the next few years even if he wanted to.

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

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  40. I grew up with a mother that was verbally abusive and married a man who is also. We divorced 10 yrs ago and he has remarried. We have 5 children together and I am still raising 3 myself. We get alone fine and i am learning to stand up for myself with him. It is such a wonderful feeling. I have been involved with a man for 5.5 yrs that is NPD and have learned of his latest affair. I never knew he had a problem with cheating(one night stands) until now. This last one lasted 4 months. I recently calmly discussed this and he isn't seeing her anymore. I am having a problem excepting this and brought it up again to which he said he was done and broke us up. This may be a good thing. I find it hard because you don't stop loving someone even tho they have done this to you. He doesn't want to admit he did this and swears he is innocent even tho his friend confirmed my suspicions.He wants no accountability for anything he does. I have your e books and I will read through them again. I expect him to come back and not sure what to do. I truly love this man and would like to be a success story just not sure I'm up to it.

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  41. Kims righT I can understand how
    hurt and shocking this behaviour
    is, I to fell in love with a man
    who was far from ready to take on the responsibility in our relationship much less the one of the sweet inocent child on its way.
    The more you react to his bad behavior
    the more he'll supply you with.
    This is the time to learn about Kims snip and move on to something construtive it works i wish i had found Kim and Steve
    when i was pregnent, it is a very hard time but if you surrender the fight and love yourself and the sweet baby and treat yourself the way you should be treated without any
    advice to him you'll be better
    and he may learn something about the respect you have for yourself. that is what the baby will need is a Ma Ma who calmly
    respects herself and then they feel secure.love is respect but you wont be able to show him that if he does'nt already know
    not as fast as you'd like anyway. My daughter just turned six. I found Kim three yrs. ago
    and her dad has done many hurtful things Kim has helped me
    out of the bad patterns he had us running in circles,life is meant to grow, please don't morn his loss
    so much that it becomes yours,
    he wont even care if you do,He is not thinking like you are.
    Kim helps alot.Don't loose yourself in this crazy pattern.
    Be with friends and family you can trust & find peace as a goal and enjoy this little life inside you, you are beautiful so
    hang on to yourself you wont be sorry for this!god bless you
    Merry Christmas
    Ginny & Grace

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  42. Such a lot of great information from authors to readers. I am in my second marriage (which is in divorce proceedings) both to narcissists. I am a codependent, Irish Catholic Nurse...always trying to fix everything, save the world. Thank God I have finally accepted what I can change and done just that! It took awhile because I am also stubborn and always for the underdog. When the affairs started in the second marriage that was it. I stumbled upon your website 2 years ago while searching for information on narcissism after my lawyer told me my husband was the worst they've ever seen. He is an MD, surgeon. I always equated NPD as folks who are vain, have inflated egos.. but it's just the opposite. It's all about low self esteem, broken ego and the failure to successfully complete the stages of development as a child. All before 5-6 years of age. So sad how many people seem to be effected..Why? Especially when most documented outlook predicts doom. I hate that!!! Anyway I have a beautiful boy who I WILL NOT LET SUCCUMB TO NPD. This family tradition will be broken!!!!

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  43. Loke everyone else in these emails I too have married a man/only 8 months ago with narcissist type personality. We have been in counselling where his issues and mine were first brought into the open. we were told we are both "high functioning" people with narcissism and borderline personality type issues. Yikes!
    I am now in my early 60's; he in later 60's.The counsellor who is a woman and not to be trusted because" she is trying to break us up" so he says, she does not believe he can change at his late age...who knows...I certainly don't know.
    Anyways yes I have witnessed for myself his behaviors which has been an unbelievabe experience for me; all my friends/family want me to leave him. Bloody hell...I sometimes feel the pressure can be too much. I'm not just ready to leave yet, my guess is he will leave me first like he has other relationships before me.
    There will come a breaking point in either direction...we are now planning our first session with a male counsellor...he seems to trust men more...so who knows what will happen. I'd like us to work through the problems and both of come out healthier people/remain together. Is this possible??? I simply don't know, the odds are againest us me thinks.I have your literature Kim and Steve, just starting to read it over.

    Thankyou.

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  44. I have been reading all your blogs , thoughts of others peoples, spent hrs, all I can say at this point is the last 6 yrs now makes sence,FEELING such an metal relief,I am not CRAZY, this roller coaster has made me suffer emotionally that at one time I became the abusive one, in manner, wanting to knock his head off,saw so many signs from the start ,love is blind I was blind then ,I am very good at putting him in his place and could back it up with many examples I sure pourd in on , to point I see now that living with NPD has in return ,turned me harsh,mean with my words no matter the truth ,I feel for my loved one and will be there for him ,not on same level ,KIM,STEVE,you are teaching me so much am so grateful,I will not live in fantasy anymore that just prayers alone will make it better ,I know how to achieve that myself now ,to grow ,learn both behaviors ,mine and his ,npd is aweful thing so hard to deal with, when you dont know why ,I believe I have better grip on why now ,I was looking in wrong direction,work in progress it has been long aweful 6 yrs ,just glad I remained the stable one ,have not had to count on him for anything lord knows I be homeless,what a ride its been I am stronger than any npd I have tools now to guide me ,least thats what I am gonna feel!I can look back at all the horrible things I was put through and smile now ,a little more often,my heart goes out to all npd people and their people such sad way of life ,looking up though thinking just maybe on some level I was put into my guys life to help him heal,learn .All the pain he put me through you think I hate him ,walk away naw I keep my distance now but will never close my heart .For some reason I have large amount strength,I am also a flood victim suffered great loss ,living with this kind of emotional trama as well as mine own loss of my home ,made me stronger so far havent lost myself ,do suffer from deep hurt ,some days hard not to cry each day gets more time in between the tears ,I was married for 22 yrs before I met my npd so I knew from start my relationship with him wasnt healthy ,at same time I was so drawn to him , his affection,charm ,he still is wonderful guy on surface just his npd is hidden well,do believe he knows his behavior is bad ,just doesnt know how and other part of him is to arogant ,very confusing person ,like a child ,on the wicked side ,all I care at moment is I am not crazy so glad I survived ,you all are a blessing thank you so much ,know god had to sent me to you ,find you , desire to find out ,learn,change ,keep the faith,love to you all <3 may we all find our peace keep on loving ,blessings to you all, thank you, christine

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  45. Your site is the most advanced knowledge...other books say to give up and run. I was a teacher. I know people can manipulate and more...but want love. I agree to treat them like a tough parent and then maybe they can heal/grow up and be the partner you want. To challenge/not discount/love/goals/acknowledge their feelings and more helps them more than fear/allowing abuse/letting them take over the relationship etc.. Thanks for all your research and hard work to figure this out. Happiness....

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  46. I once had my mother in law tell me that she was sorry I was so unhappy in our family after a certain incident where my sister in law decided to exclude our family because she didn't like me. I wanted to figure out the situation where my mother in law wanted me to grin and bear it. I didn't feel good about hearing, "I am sorry you feel that way!" It came off like I am a real problem and they are not type of comment. I use the approach when someone seems upset to just ask them, How can I help or can you tell me more about why you feel that way so I can understand. Then you can come to a conclusion and not a judgment. Does that make sense?

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  47. My fiance has never cheated (to my knowledge) and I honestly don't believe he will, BUT, he does have a problem with flirting. I think it's to coax his own ego more than anything. He tends to lead on girls and lie about himself to make himself look good. When I call him out, he say's "I was being a jerk, she couldn't honestly think I was hitting on her" when clearly she's drooling haha. How can I address this with him? How can I address that that's a boundary for me? I don't feel it's appropriate to act that way around other women, and I won't act that way around other men. Another question, How can you address boundaries with social situations? He tends to go off and be with his own friends, ignoring mine, and ignoring me (in most cases this is at a party we are hosting at our house). This really hurts me because I put a lot of effort in to hosting parties for us, and I would like to be a hosting couple at the party, not me being the host and him going off and doing his own thing. How can I address this with him?

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