Narcissism - Help for Partners



If your partner shows signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder please take the time to watch and rate this movie or you can watch it on YouTube ... Narcissism - Help for Partners

This site is a resource for anyone suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder or their partners or family. My name is Kim Cooper and my husband Steve and I overcame these problems and now share our story with anyone who needs our help.

Please make sure you find us on Google+

To kick off the Narcissism Daily Mirror here is a poem I wrote awhile back called;


Song of the Male Narcissist

When I said that I would leave you
I meant "Don't let me go"
and instead of saying yes to you
I said - I'll let you know

I put myself above you
so you'd think me some great prize
and blamed my faults upon you
all because of my false pride

So I know you have good reason
for complaining like you do
because I never really thought of you
just 'to mine own ego' was I true

But the truth is I'm embarrassed
for how badly I've behaved
and for being such a coward
I really am ashamed

Cause I don't want you to guess
how helpless that I feel
and that I don't know how to save you
even though my love is real

There is so much I have to learn
and if you're needing proof
just look at how I twist and turn
and struggle with the truth

I cannot be your hero
and I don't always understand
and really I just want you to see
the child within this man

I'm so scared that you will leave me
when you see my act's a sham
and that I gave up long ago
on being loved for who I am

I need a guiding hand in life
and need you to be strong
I need you to be virtuous
and let me tag along

Set me goals I can accomplish
and praise me where you can
not for the act - just for the steps
I take to become a man

Cause I still have tantrums like a baby
and think I must get my way
and I don't know how to listen
and I haven't learned to pray

So love and please don't leave me
and help me learn to get along,
but stop crying and getting angry
cause it's really you who's strong

To make me feel bad won't change things
cause I'm already wracked with shame.
and sometimes you must say "no" for me
and kindly say my name

and if I'm being brutish
you must make me face the law
You must show concern with courage
if you want my heart to thaw

Cause I won't respect a victim
and you won't beat me at that game
and if you really want to tame me
you can't be scared of public shame

Cause it will take men with integrity
that I squarely have to face
you see I'm craving a strong father
and you'll never take his place

And I'm trying hard to trust you
which I don't know how to do
and I hope you can forgive me
and I hope that we're not through



Hang in there,

Kim Cooper
Proofed by DF Feb 2 2016

68 comments:

  1. I had a feeling I was a female geek! Loved the film and the new format.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Kim, when I read "Song of the Male Narcissist" I felt as though it was written for me from the man I love. Thank you for helping me to better understand this disorder and help myself. I may not have hope for this relationship, but I have grown tremendously and have hope for my future. Many blessings to you and Steve.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wow! This is my poem 100%! Everything that was said is a reflection of my marriage. I think my husband is emotionally fifteen now. His family abandoned him at the age of six. At Christmas dinner he told the boys that when you get married be sure you love your wife because it's a hard life with a wife and kids. Meanwhile now he's on tagged looking for someone to "talk" to and be "stimulated" by

    ReplyDelete
  4. Part 2 from Dec 25, 09.
    I should've said I am greatful for your website Kim. I really get overwhelmed with my husband's selfishness. The poem should have my husband's name on it: "The Song Of David" thoough he would deny it completely. We reconciled in July after 3 years of no contact. He works 11-12 hours 5 days a week. He doesn't take any time to do bond with our 4 boys except to joke around or watch them play XBOX. Because he's tired, he says that's all he can do for now. But he's been saying that forever. What about the two days he has off? He fails to realize that he will not have a relationship because HE will not step up to the plate. He blames them and me for not doing anything else but XBOX and the web.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi everyone and to anon with the xbox husband, he may not know how to be with you? Perhaps you could challenge him to do a parenting class? Say I dare you and leave it at that and see if he takes the bait ...

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

    ReplyDelete
  6. I agree...he doesn't respect me if I cry...self pity...He says I am pathetic even though he made me sad and cry. He wants the sympathy...is thinks he is the victim and wants me to apologize...but says I say sorry too often. I know he is hurting...that is why he has many women lined up to get love from because one may leave. I don't want to leave him...He pushes me away...wants to reject me before I reject him... Sad.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hi, this is a little sexist, I lived with my ex wife who I have discovered suffers with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, so its not just the guys, but some females as well.

    ReplyDelete
  8. What an incredible poem ! All it needs is my husband's signature.
    He lives in his own little world 95% of the time, we don't have a relationship because he will not participate in building one.
    I feel rejected and I'm ready to throw in the towel. I cannot take his selfishness, lack of sensitivity and envy any longer. I will let someone else deal with that. Thanks for all the useful information that you provide for us. I'm really grateful.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Its 2 yrs too late for my comment but..to others....don't leave yet..you will glue onto another NPD if you do..the problem is yours too..you lack skills to detect a fraud perhaps..do your homework first..Mine won't relate to me either..so I use my magic sissors and do my own things..and stay happy.

      Delete
  9. I myself am challenged by a relationship with someone afflicted with NPD. This is the second time I have read that poem and it is so close to the truth it hurts. No matter how hard I try, I always seem to be one step behind and unable to get my partner to see the reality of things. As usual...we are the ones at fault in their minds . Now my partner wants to separate and I am at a total loss and feel totally spent. I need help!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. This poem is so true....I am crying because it hits home so hard....as I lived with this relationship for 4 years and we are now seperated but I want nothing more than to be home and have it healed. I am experiencing so much grief as I was the one who lost everything. And since he can't see he has a problem, he is unwilling to do anything about it....so I don't feel there is any hope for us which makes it all the more painful. I wish I had known the information you are imparting before I left but he was pushing me out....I wish I had the opportunity to still work on this with him. Am working on myself and getting the strength back I had lost....that is a start.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I sent a copy of that poem to my (recently) ex-fiancee of 6 years. He erased it, but your insights and understanding of such a complex issue have given me the empathy I needed for closure & letting go. Thank You Kim & Steve and keep up this very valuable work. Cindy

    ReplyDelete
  12. He had me convinced that i was the one with the problem...and there is still some doubt...He is so sneaky and smooth but im starting to see slowly ....its not me

    ReplyDelete
  13. This is a great poem that says it all so painfully well. Lmm

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hi Everyone and thank you for all your generous comments,

    To I need help - please subscribe to our main site here;

    www.narcissismcured.com

    and keep reading! We have a lot to offer and although our advice is not easy it will help you out of this tangle.

    To the man whose ex wife is a narcissist - we do know that female narcissists are just as bad and hope that we can offer you some help and understanding too.

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

    ReplyDelete
  15. Kim,

    Thank you for the poem and the insights. My problem is that unlike you, I just don't have the strength to be the partner that my NPD husband needs. He needs concern with courage, reparenting and a strong but kind voice.

    Well, I am so worn out that I need time to heal. For over 20 years, I did a lot of what you talk about in terms of responses - putting boundaries, improving my own emotional health, getting support, etc. His response to boundaries is to protest and escalate, which me put me off so much that we are now separated. Being extremely needy, he can't live without me and is pleading for me to return, claiming to have changed. I just don't think I have it in me to reparent him - not when it will be a long long process. And even if I could, I know that for my children, it is too little, too late. They don't want him around.

    I want to know what keeps people like you so strong for so long. I NEVER thought I would give up (friends used to comment on how strong I was) so I can't understand why I feel this way now. I just know that my time away from him has shown me what wellbeing is. But if I don't re-parent him, how will he heal from his NPD?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Reply to July 5th
      You are an incredible lady with enormous strength!20 years is a long time to survive narcissistic abuse.There is only one way he can receive the re-parenting you so rightly describe,and that is from our only perfect Father! There is nothing you could have done more or different to help him. He is not your responsibility and you cannot 'save' him or 'heal' him from his NPD. Jesus Christ is our only saviour and healer and for now,your partner may not think he needs Him,but you certainly do.You have done nothing wrong by separating from him and for your continuing well being and healing I recommend you stay separated.Get to know how Jesus can heal and restore you.You are precious!and to withstand 20 years with a narcissistic abuser shows enormous strength in so many areas.Kim and Steve's experiences are extremely rare!and those of us not fortunate enough to be with 'the one' that chooses to change does not mean that we have failed or are less strong and in anyway reproachable for not achieving what we have spent the majority of our lives aiming to do.If our NPD partner refuses to recognise real love when they have it and decide NOT to seek help and change,then they do not deserve the love we so freely give.
      You deserve to be loved for who you are and have your love accepted and reciprocated.You have not failed in ANY WAY just because you happen to have a partner that refuses to accept responsibility and change their behaviour/attitudes.Paying lip service is not enough evidence for you to risk wasting your life 'trying ' to rescue someone that does not feel they need rescuing.It sounds like you have co-dependency difficulties that I would suggest you receive healing for.In the meantime focus your attention on the strength and courage that you DO HAVE and direct it towards your own healing.Do not compare your situation to that of anyone else's.Your inner voice knows you have tried everything possible to help your partner and if you could have done something else you would have done that also. Take courage in the fact that you are now free, It may not be the result you want but I can assure you it is a far better result than if you were to have stayed longer or that which you will discover if you did go back. Your sadness is an indication of your compassion, do not see it as a sign of weakness.28 yrs with my NPD husband has shown me that there was only one outcome he would have been satisfied with,and my life is too precious to give him that! I honour you and pray that your strength keeps you separated from your NPD and enables YOU to recover,heal and move forward with your life to a better and brighter future. God Bless

      Delete
    2. Please notify me of any follow up comments on all my replies please

      Delete
  16. To anon July 5th -

    OK he probably won't get better but end up having a break down at some point but that is not your responsibility. If you can be free of him and you want to be do it.

    To answer your other question I wasn't really so strong I just didn't have any other choice. I had three kids under 10 when I was going through the worst of this. No money, no family that had room for us and Steve's family I knew would fight to take my kids from me.

    As this was my second marriage and 4th bad relationship I also knew that I had to find answers not just for Steve but for myself of why I kept walking into this. I knew divorce wouldn't solve it. There was no doubt Steve would have shacked up with some tramp withing a week and then what would I do when my kids wanted to visit him?

    In my case I had to solve it for me and not him. I didn't know he would get better - I was simply determined that my will was stronger than his and I was not going to let him get away with stealing our future anymore. I said you might be happy to live in the gutter but I am not going to let you drag us there. I made a million mistakes and wanted to give up so many times but there wasn't even a way to give up. I had NO money and debt collectors on the phone and at the door every other day. I was determined we were not going to end up in a commission flat living next door to speed addicts. I taught myself to type and then I taught myself any other program I could borrow that was worth a bit of income. Steve would come home and find me on the computer and would say "Don't you feed your childen?" and I would say they know where the fruit bowl is. I got fruit in exchange for doing signs for the fruit shop. I pestered people I knew to teach me how. I did a good job of them but got badly ripped off but at least we ate OK for a few months when otherwise we had no money. I got Steve to help me put one sign up 15 feet up a wall with only one ladder. He had to follow my instructions because the owner was watching and he didn't have a clue what to do and he didn't want to make a fool of himself. 5 years later the sign is still there (with all the letters cut out of foam) and the colours haven't faded a bit.

    He knew there was no way he could have ever done anything like that.

    I finally got a break and got a good paying job with my computer skills and that helped. I told Steve I would support him if he left the bar. There is no way I would let him touch my money after that though. He got welfare for being unemployed and I got him to sign up as the main caregiver for the kids so he got a bit of family allowance money too but I was always home to see what was happenning - I never would have worked anywhere else - because back then I wouldn't have been able to trust him.

    For a few years after things got better it still felt like I had climbed out of a pit with my bare hands with my family on my back.

    I am getting past that now - even though money is always still tight. I trust more because we are a team now and I know it will be OK and money doesn't matter so much when you know you are helping people.

    So again I will say it - I didn't have a choice. If I wasn't strong NO ONE else was going to be and there had to be answers besides drinking myself to death. I nearly took that road, but then who would have taken care of my kids?

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. AMEN..to every thought you expressed here and you were so right too. Sometimes we have to hit bottom before we climb back up..God is good..He helps us.

      Delete
  17. To anon July 5th -

    OK he probably won't get better but end up having a break down at some point but that is not your responsibility. If you can be free of him and you want to be do it.

    To answer your other question I wasn't really so strong I just didn't have any other choice. I had three kids under 10 when I was going through the worst of this. No money, no family that had room for us and Steve's family I knew would fight to take my kids from me.

    As this was my second marriage and 4th bad relationship I also knew that I had to find answers not just for Steve but for myself of why I kept walking into this. I knew divorce wouldn't solve it. There was no doubt Steve would have shacked up with some tramp withing a week and then what would I do when my kids wanted to visit him?

    In my case I had to solve it for me and not him. I didn't know he would get better - I was simply determined that my will was stronger than his and I was not going to let him get away with stealing our future anymore. I said you might be happy to live in the gutter but I am not going to let you drag us there. I made a million mistakes and wanted to give up so many times but there wasn't even a way to give up. I had NO money and debt collectors on the phone and at the door every other day. I was determined we were not going to end up in a commission flat living next door to speed addicts. I taught myself to type and then I taught myself any other program I could borrow that was worth a bit of income. Steve would come home and find me on the computer and would say "Don't you feed your childen?" and I would say they know where the fruit bowl is. I got fruit in exchange for doing signs for the fruit shop. I pestered people I knew to teach me how. I did a good job of them but got badly ripped off but at least we ate OK for a few months when otherwise we had no money. I got Steve to help me put one sign up 15 feet up a wall with only one ladder. He had to follow my instructions because the owner was watching and he didn't have a clue what to do and he didn't want to make a fool of himself. 5 years later the sign is still there (with all the letters cut out of foam) and the colours haven't faded a bit.

    He knew there was no way he could have ever done anything like that.

    I finally got a break and got a good paying job with my computer skills and that helped. I told Steve I would support him if he left the bar. There is no way I would let him touch my money after that though. He got welfare for being unemployed and I got him to sign up as the main caregiver for the kids so he got a bit of family allowance money too but I was always home to see what was happenning - I never would have worked anywhere else - because back then I wouldn't have been able to trust him.

    For a few years after things got better it still felt like I had climbed out of a pit with my bare hands with my family on my back.

    I am getting past that now - even though money is always still tight. I trust more because we are a team now and I know it will be OK and money doesn't matter so much when you know you are helping people.

    So again I will say it - I didn't have a choice. If I wasn't strong NO ONE else was going to be and there had to be answers besides drinking myself to death. I nearly took that road, but then who would have taken care of my kids?

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HI Kim- like many others have said here- you're poem could of been written about my marriage! It is so on point to what its like to live in this type of relationship. While verbally I would love to hear my husband actually say those words and mean and understand them, just reading them brings me peace. I too am staying in my 19 year marriage and part of the reason is your information shared so brilliantly. I read so much about all aspects of relationships that I have even started by own blog-as I journey this new path of hope- that if even one person is helped by reading about my situation then (besides helping myself writing is so therapeutic) the time and energy it takes to do a blog is so worth it. One comment on your comments received, many seem to still be so focused on their spouses' behavior and attitudes; if there's one thing I've learned it is: the only person I can change is myself! If at the end of this journey (recovery from his affair the 1-2 yr period) he has joined me on to make it better -wonderful and if not "so be it", because I will be in a much better place-look out world cuz here I come!!!! Check out my blog at: www.chely5150@wordpress.com Thanks Kim keep up the excellent work! chely5150

      Delete
  18. Wow, Kim, thanks for the reply - that was gold!

    Lots of people need to hear that. Maybe yours isn't the only the story of hope and change, but you have decided to share your story so others can benefit. It DOES show that one can change how she/he lives and the results, even for NPD spouses, are tremendous. Experts CAN'T refute your testimony.

    I really can't believe the number of knockers out there - I thought tall-poppy syndrome was strictly an Aussie thing. And you can tell by some of the comments (here and elsewhere) that people seem as cruel as their NPD partners!

    I too have financial constraints (I don't work and still have young children), but my decision to separate feels like the right thing to do to set our family back on track. We just can't be strong at home with him there because he so needs to be in control. I am going to have to depend on government support if he cuts off the provision, but here, the government does give enough to live on.

    I still think you were very courageous, and the reason why I loved your site when I first found it was because I, too, was looking at something to help me stay - I had no intention of leaving simply because he was difficult. I have no idea why I just can't fight for us anymore - the desire is completely gone and indeed any time I am around him now, I am repulsed. Did you ever feel that way during his recovery?

    ReplyDelete
  19. Yes I guess so from time to time - and sometimes I even hoped he would die - but I guess deep down I always did want things to improve and I didn't see seperation as something either of us would accept and be able to move on.

    Only you know that and only you can decide but if you do decide to seperate please play it smart the last chapter of Back from the Looking Glass is about that. Because the truth is if you are not careful it can make the abuse much worse.

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcisismcured.com

    ReplyDelete
  20. Hi Kim,First i want to say thank you for your web site an all the info, you are a angel god has seen to send to shed light in this dark corner of "our" world. There's to much to say,only that i wish i had gotten your books a week earlier than i did maybe things would be differnt now for me an my finance ,i asked him to leave the 20th of june,an broke off getting married on july 3rd due to him lyin to me again.If a had a chance to read your books before that i know that i would not of asked him to leave,i only meant for the day or so but he took that i asked him to get out an so he packed everything an left. I know i hurt him deeply. We are still seeing each other , but i never realized how much i hurt him til july 3rd. We still had the party we were havin after the wedding ,even tho we did not get married. He stayed with me thurs an friday,sat july 3rd we set up for the party,everything was ok up til 1:30,then i had to go home take care of some things,when i went back,OH MY GOD,he was drunk but that wasn't anything new,but he totally ignored me an was running around an hugging kissing every women that would let him! Now i have been reading your books,so i guess i must of use those magic sicsors cause i did not get upset or jealous, i just felt a great sadness an shame for him, both our families were there an friends,then it hit me how much i had hurt him an that this was the only way he knew how to deal with it,to show me how much i hurt him an that he wanted to hurt me back,i felt so sorry for him,i hurt later an almost ended us. But i forgive him because he don't know how to deal or react the right way.But i so need to know is there any way to still help us in view of all this since we are separated rite now. Part of the lies are because of him getting back into drug use which he denies, but i know the phone # are the same from Jan/feb this year when he was running his friend to city to buy drugs,i feel of course that he was using as i know him when he's drunk or on pot,but this other i now know is from drug use. He got back into this from going back to work with a friend who had his own business and got back into thur bad associations ,then his son came to live with us who he's not really had much to do with due to his son's mom keeping him away,his son has a drug problem he's only 14,he is staying with his friend now,there is drugs there,but i feel this was to much stress on my boyfriend an he is just overwhelmed an started to push me away saying he needs his space time alone. But any way is there still hope for us I'm am so workin on me,and not just for him,but for me. will your healing words in your books still work under this situation . I belive that most of his problems come from core trauma due to his abusive father

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This might sound really harsh, however to work through these types of relationships like Kim suggests is very very difficult. If I were you I would cut your losses. If you marry this man the road ahead will be fraught with stress, mental anquish and complete exhaustion.I am in my 15th year of marriage to an undiagnosed narcissist (might not be fully but has many many of the trates). I'm sorry if you wanted the sugar coated version however I would suggest you go for counselling and work on yourself and read anything you can about it so that you do not choose this type of man again.

      Delete
    2. Reply to July 8
      He has worked HIS magic glue in sticking the blame on u.His behaviour was not 'cos u hurt him so much!He has NPD!He behaved like that for a desired result! to punish,shame&make u feel guilty! Do not reproach urself any more.Use ur energy to heal from his treatment&ur co-dependence.Then u can be safe from him&other manipulative,controlling partners.How do I know? I recently ended a28yr, emotionally and mentally destructive relationship.With God's help I am now on the road to recovery&healing.I no longer blame myself or look for a reason.I understand his condition.I'm free,emotionally,mentally,spiritually and physically.I'm praying&hoping for him to accept his condition&recognise his need for help.I'm praying for the resurrection of our relationship(even though the good times were also contrived&an illusion).I am getting on with my life&I allow him to make his own decisions.God will undertake whether I wait or not.I am alert to EVERY trick in his book&expect consistent change before progress can be made.I finally made him leave,because he was intent on destroying me whatever the cost!just to win!God opened my eyes to him destroying our daughter from the inside,to get to me.She had stopped eating,was self harming&was visiting suicide sites.She thought I was to blame 'cos of 'my emotional outbursts'at her quiet dad,when I was no longer able to contain myself.I knew that we would both be looking down at her coffin asking why?but for very different reasons12 yrs prior,he left me for dead,after I took84sleeping tablets in front of him(in a state of emotional and mental breakdown from his mind games&emotional abuse)He never stopped or queried my actions.He calmly left me,in a state of distress,&went to bed for8hrs.He woke to find me slumped against a wall.After shouting 'are you still here'he dragged me to our room.leaving me12.5hrs with our2yr old daughter in the next room. He went to work returning12.5hrs later(&no phone-call to check on our daughter)to find me in hospital.I discharged myself 3months later.Our15yr old daughter was self- harming!My family was falling apart&I thought I was to blame!My husband never mentioned the overdose from that day to this&coolly manipulated a breakdown in communication&relationship between myself &our15yr old,(she wasn't to talk to me about her problems 'cos I would not cope&end up back in hospital)Her dad is'the martyr'&'the victim' to 'my mental illness!Even now,12yrs on,in her opinion.I am still working on trying to repair our once close&loving,relationship.She does will not hear why I have'kicked her dad out'.Yet6 months on&our' broken,suicidal' daughter is thriving,healthy,happy&well balanced.Our relationship has grown.She understands&has seen for herself 'the truth of my relationship with her dad'.We work at how she can maintain a healthy relationship with him.I would not bad-mouth him.I want her relationship with her dad to be healthy.I need to protect her from his behaviour by being upfront&truthful when he is covertly being manipulative.I simply open it up&alert him to his choices.I do not get drawn into(gas-lighted)his lies& manipulations,I hold him accountable for his attitude, behaviour&decisions&leave him to deal with his consequences.As I openly confront his behaviour,I am showing that I no longer fear peoples disapproval or the shame of 'me upsetting him'.
      I have just released myself from his control by giving him'all HIS money'I will now cut my cloth to suit our needs.A small price to pay for our freedom&happiness.
      I was co-dependant.I still love him yet I am no longer bound to him.The man I love may not exist!! His'self 'is a false self&is adopted through learned characteristics.

      Delete
    3. I'm pleased for Kim and Steve for the success in their relationship, however, be assured that this is not usual for most situations.The grave yard is full of dead hero's! Kim had her reasons for staying and doing what she did, Steve had his reasons for choosing to accept responsibility and take control and change. However, it would not be right to compare yourself and your relationship with theirs. Every individual relationship is different. Understand that your love alone cannot change a person! THEY NEED TO WANT TO CHANGE THEN PUT THEIR WORDS INTO ACTION. We must have a bottom line. Where is yours? What are you worth? If you are getting 'your pay off'' for staying, then your relationship will be a success. Maybe not in the way you would like, but if you are unprepared to accept that it is 'their responsibility' to change 'their behaviour' and you are happy with 'your reward' of getting your needs met by 'continuously trying to meet theirs' , then your relationship is a success as it is just how you both want it.
      so no more complaining about them, get on with the decision you have made and be happy with the results you are getting.

      Delete
  21. Hi to everyone and to anon July 8th,

    I can't say if our ideas will help, as you two are split up you may not have enough leverage with him.

    You also need to weigh this up for your sake. I had a everything invested in my marriage and had 3 kids to Steve so I really was ready to put in a huge effort to turn things around. If you two are not even married yet and in fact not even together anymore you need to think long and hard about what you are trying to take on here. You do not have any responsibility to help him and I think you really need to think about taking care of yourself. You obvioulsy had good reasons to call of the wedding and I don't think you should blame yourself.

    That said I do think our ebooks would help you understand why you end up in this kind of relationship and learn how to build a better one. I think that 10 steps to Overcoming codependence would be an excellent place for you to start.

    Hang in there!

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

    ReplyDelete
  22. hi all, great to read all the comments. too late for my marriage but i realise now that i needed to get out to build up my own self esteem. my ex husband and i have a good platonic relationship and i am getting great courage to deal with all the fallout from the separation. he still regresses into his needy child mode from time to time but he he responds well when i calmly speak the truth as regards the right thing to do. i needed to gain some emotional distance to achieve this. he has much more respect for me now i am no longer a sexual partner. he had affairs when we were married and had tried to convince me to accept that one woman was going to be a friend till the day he died. he wanted us both! i know he still sees her now but at least it dont hurt any more. she has remained a secret affair even though there is no need for secrets any more. he loses concentration when this is going on and his eyes glaze over and i dont like to be around to see him like this. still he is a good man and has been good to me since we split regarding helping me out with house repairs etc. i have never been able to push him completely out of my life and i would still never hurt him but i dont feel the same anymore after all the years of hurt and betrayal. thank god i am in a much better place now emotionally. would love to purchase one of your books but i am new to this computer stuff and need some help with same. keep up the good work and as for the song of the male narcissist its really says it all.

    ReplyDelete
  23. This poem represents my ex so well. Funny that everyone think I should move on leave him behind; they all say he will get back to his old ways (debts, owing money to everyone , having to sell all of his things ...loose his job ...)
    But in my heart I fell his pain. I know he feels lost and abandoned. He is mixed up. I know that only you can understand this. People say: "if he loved you he would do everything to get you back!"
    But, no that is not how he works. He feels bad for what he did, he wants to escape, and if he is with me "it is in his face".
    But I want to change my ways. I truly want to help him.
    I am meeting with him tonight to talk. I am not quiet sure how to do this but I will be honest and speak with my heart. If he wants me back ...I am willing to give it another chance. I have never stopped loving him in 17 years.

    Any advice how to go about it without scaring him?
    Thank you son much Kim.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Deb here. Regarding "mind-reading" and over-assuming statements as baits for fights, please help your readers with a reply that stops and difuses these? Examples of mind-reading he does to me. He looks at me or something I am doing or have just done and may conclude, "You're mad at me." or "You're ignoring me now, you're not loving like a few minutes ago." or "You don;t love me."or You've bored." or "I can tell you don;t respect me." or "I can tell from that look on your face that you don;t agree (or you're not really sorry or insert other assumption here) or "You just tried to pull me in that direction! You can;t even walk towards our car without trying to lead me. You always want to be the leader." or, I can tell my your silence that it is true." I am STUCK. If I say , "Oh, I'm sorry, I love you- I'm just distracted" or , "I respect you." (He then says, "No you don;t)or "I didn;t even realize I pulled you in that direction, (Yes you did!), I'm not bored,(Yes you are, I can tell), " I'm having a great time, I think my face is just tired looking." (or he goes silent like it doesn;t matter what I say, he has already decided I am what he says I am ) or if I say, "I agree." What happens is I am CONTRADICTING and DENYING his assumption and he intensifies the attack that I AM or WAS what he accused me of, leading me to defend. But he won;t accept he read my mind wrong - he is convinced his mind-reading was accurate. I could have been daydreaming about what to make for dinner and BAM, he confronts me with something he had decided I am thinking and I can;t talk him out of it and by trying, a huge argument starts (not on my end. The most I do is explain my face may have looked that way but I am not bored or I didn;t know I was pulling him in that direction and it wasn;t on purpose or yes, I love him) He starts dredging up something I have been doing for 20 years that bothers him then how he never should have married me at all, then he wants a divorce. ALL THIS CAN START OVER A simple MIND-READING STATEMENT he makes. Please help. What can I say when he makes a MIND-READING STATEMENT will stop this in a loving and respectful way? Thanks and sorry if this is the wrong place for this. Deb.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is called Gaslighting!!!! Taken from an old film with Ingrid Bergman by the same name.
      Also look up crazy makers, emotional vampires, covert emotional abusers, socialised psychopath, Soul thief. Look out for a film by the name of JOSHUA!!!! Horrific for anyone who has survived this kind of abuse. Classed as a drama, It was the most horrific film I have ever watched! and believe me, I have seen films that have been banned before being made available for home viewing. Joshua!!! look it up!

      Delete
  25. Kim, this poem is incredible, amazing, enlightening, brilliant... I could go on, haha - I was the geek who read the dictionary during outside breaks. Do you have this published? You need to. I am really great at finding out how to do things, if you need and want help with getting a publisher, I would be happy to help you figure out the steps. I want to see this poem in every major poem collection. You are a wonderful writer... Not only should your skills be celebrated and rewarded, but your work needs to be seen all over the world.

    On another note: I found a father figure for my spouse. I am extremely excited. My spouse respects him, and tries very hard to be like him. The father figure has two girls, but feels like Brady is the son he never had. He has plenty of love to go around, his daughters cherish him and respond very well to him. "Dad" has taken anger management courses. He has had everything, lost it all to drugs, cleaned up, and now his life is starting to look pretty rosy again. He has this jolly face with smile lines every where. He is good hearted, honest, and fun. He drinks almost every night, but does not appear to allow it to influence his decisions or emotions. He had to ask his roommate to leave, otherwise he would be evicted. When face with an abusive roommate, Dad said he would not accept this behaviour in his house and that if he could not treat him with respect for the last night he was there, then he could leave. He was calm, but assertive... while drunk.

    I think that this man has a lot to teach my spouse, and wants to teach him. My spouse respects him in a different way, something I have not seen before. He does not appear to like manipulating him, he more seems to want his approval.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Hi anon September 13,

    Hey you hit on my personal goals exactly when you say my writing should be out there. Truly it is not about fame or fortune (I do like living comfortably however!) but yes I do believe I have something to share and I like the kind of confidence you offer in saying that you are able to apply yourself to anything you take on ...

    I am like that. I end up becoming the foil of others at times because of my extreme confidence in whatever I do. It is funny really. I say yes I can do it and then when I don't do the first draft to corporate standards they get all embarrassed and weird - but anyone who knows me knows that is just the warm up. Good things take guts and determination (just like good relationships) and I am in for the long haul and that is what gives me my confidence. There are a 100 people who can start things to the one who will continue improving to the finish.

    If this strikes a cord with you let's see what you can do getting my words out to the world because I do truly need help with that.

    Send another message here and let's link up.

    I also want to thank you for your comment I am human and yes it made me smile and made my day!

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

    ReplyDelete
  27. I totally started crying when I read this poem. I am struggling with my marriage and resentment issues I have for my husband. We have been married 3 years now and through a lot of stress(deployments, moving twice). I don't want to get a divorce until I try everything first. I am seeing a counselor for myself now and trying to regain my own strength and figure out if this is the life path I want to take. We have no kids yet... another issue, he is unsure, I want them. So, I do have a choice, unlike you, but that hasn't made my choice and easy one. I will be checking out this website more often and thank you for all the tips and resources available.

    June

    ReplyDelete
  28. Hi Kim!
    I would be so happy to help you! I am thrilled that you want to get your writing out to the world! Part of me thought you might be tired of writing by now :)

    I have a Facebook account, feel free to add me as a friend. I am very excited to see your work published. I would be thrilled to see it at a future counselling session as one of their many helpful resources.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Kim - I am sure I already know the answer, I would just like to confirm (I am anon sept 13)... you are Christian, right? I might have found the absolute perfect Literary Agent for you...

    ReplyDelete
  30. Oh my goodness, I have found out so much already and have so many questions for you. You must add me as soon as you can so I can start narrowing some things down. I am very excited, your work just blows my mind, I am sure that we will be able to find an agent that thinks it is as inspirational as I do! - anon sept13

    ReplyDelete
  31. Kim

    OMG! I have just come across this site and have been browsing the blog. When I read your poem, it was as though it was written by me. It was word for word an accurate description of what I am currently going through. It really made me cry and I am so thankful for finding you and som many others who are going through this. When I read all the professionals' responses to simply "get away from them as fast as you can" I could not even believe that was the answer. How could you just run from the person you love so much. My first thought was, if this is a true disorder, it is this very same act that only perpetuates the N to go deeper and deeper into his infliction to the point of no possible recovery. While my man fits about 98% of the signs, he is not aggressive, physically abusive, or even verbally abusive. Instead, he is emotionally void, secretive, non commital, has emotional affairs, and feels entitlement to the very things he accuses me of doing or does not want me doing. I believe he genuinely loves me somewhere deep inside. He is kind, sensitive, smart, driven, and holds a high-paying job, everyone loves him. But then, when I catch him with his hand in the cookie jar, he lies. He cannot tell the truth or admit to any wrong doing. Walk away? No. Abandonment isn't love. I want to give him a chance, I want to turn around from the co-dependence and learn to love myself again - but most importantly, I want to learn the right ways to reach him and help him overcome this - because afterall, isn't that truly love?

    T.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Kim,

    I have been scouring through your website and your blog to learn everything I can about how to deal with a spouse that has NPD. My therapist originally thought he had BPD (borderline personality disorder). I have a good friend that was raised by a father with servere BPD and while she doesn't have the disorder, has many of the same programmed responses. When I began to compare BPD and NPD it became painfully apparent to me that my husband was most likely mis-diagnosed. His behavior is 100% consistent with NPD.

    We have been married for 24 years. The first of the symptoms reared their ugly face 10 months into the marriage. I had the opportunity to leave but didn't. Something inside me told me to stay. Well...I had codependency issue of my own so that complicated things. Yes, we have done the NPD / Codependecy dance for 23 years.

    I left in August 2009 after my therapist had diagnosed him and told me there was no hope and the best thing to do would be to leave so I stayed safe and he could maybe face his issues. Well...as you know, the only thing it accomplished was allowing him to run directly into the arms of the "cyber woman" he had been involved with since May 2009. She is a friend of his from college and they reunited on facebook 32 years later.

    My husband has used physical, emotional and economical intimidation as well as retreats to be emotionally void, secretive, non-commital, and has had several emotional affairs (thanks for the wording Anonomys from above).

    When I left in Aug 2009 it was not with the intention of seeking a divorce. I had to get myself safe. I now see that it was probably an unwise decision since I am committed to helping my husband heal. We have 3 children (17, 18, 20) that are so confused they don't know what to think. Your website and books were exactly what I needed at a moment when I knew that I had to stick this out to help my husband but had no idea what to make of anything. I just knew there was something drastically wrong and I didn't know how to tackle it - or name it for that matter. Everyone keeps telling me to leave him and be rid of all the pain and destruction. I just can't leave a man that I know is in such despair. I have healed my own codepence issues and am ready to fight the fight.

    I'm at a loss where to begin because I am now living in a separate house. I know he doesn't want the divorce (even though he says he does). He would have moved forward with it and shut me out of his life if he did. He is really battling inside. I just found yet another credit card yesterday that he racked up $17,000 since I left home. He is systematically destroying me financially. I get absolutely no financial support from him at all. He says it's my problem because I left.

    I am on the verge of poverty and no way to pay my bills because I lost my job. I am fully supporting our youngest child with no help. I've run out of money and am at a loss where to go from here. I'm applying and interviewing for jobs but nothing has surfaced yet.

    My husband makes a huge salary but lives in poverty because of all the debt he continues to rack up. He is nearing retirement age and I'm scared to death that all our retirement money will go towards paying off his debt.

    Like you and many others - I know that if I don't commit to helping him - noone will. I am the only one who knows this side of him and the depth with which it plunges.

    Thanks for reading! Any advice is greatly appreciated.

    J.

    ReplyDelete
  33. I guess it is too late for my relationship. I have moved away and don't think I could go back to him even if he wanted me to..which he doesn't. I believe that he has moved on and found a new 'source of supply'. He was online long before I left. And the critisms and put downs were so much worse that it was obvious that he was detaching. Now learning about narcissim, it seems I was doing everything wrong in my attempts to make things better. I rewarded his bad behavior endlessly, thinking that if I was loving enough, he would finally stop seeing me as the enemy and love me back..didn't work. So I don't know what to do now. I have left everyone I know including my job, my family. And I have given up all I owned, just to get away. I was feeling suicidal and the only advice I was getting was 'walk away'. In my reacting to his rage I set myself up to be without support which was not such a good idea. Reacting just escalates things I know, but I really didn't know what else to do. And I know I am not a stupid woman, but I just could not fix this...because it wasn't me! I wish I would have found your site earlier, but even if I had, I would probably not have read it because I was so busy thinking it was my fault...and I didn't want to be the kind of person who would blame him for being narcissistic because I knew how his blaming me was damaging me..does that make sense?? I am thrilled by your work and as soon as I can afford it plan to order your books. Thank you so much Kim and Steve!

    ReplyDelete
  34. Yes th poem does fit my scene too and I am amazed how NPD can be so specific. I hav three children and am seperated and hav a very easy going relation wth my ex. I met the lov of my life that swept me off my feet nearly four yrs ago and moved in with him spontaneously only knowing him three months. Within two weeks to my shock he got angry verbally over me being bit quiet. He became bossy and annoyed more and more, then it went to smashing my things grabbing hurting me when I tried to get away no matter how I tried to reason with him. My children witnessed it and week 8 I fled in th night. He then lured me back with sorrys and admitting his wrong. I went back over and over because I couldn't let go of our beautiful amazing connection. He has lied screamed threatened cheated within days of a fight he would b with another woman and he always said it my fault because I rejected him because he always said how much he loves and just he can't stand to b away from me. Now I found this site and it has stepped up my understanding of how to manage my reactions and rejection that I hav done so much work on already but feel stronger to have more impact on the outcomes of how we behave. He wants to move in with me again but my 15yr old doesn't like or trust him and is over the fights. If I let him move in she won't beleive me that it will be ok she is so angry at me and doesn't trust me. He can't bare to b alone anymore he is so insecure and has softened so much with my new approach, perfectly saying all th right things, am I being conned? I feel torn that if he moves in I'll loose my daughter but if I don't I'll loose him. I don't know how to apply my understanding of codependence to make it work for us all, am I self destructive for not ending it with him? Am I teaching my daughters to just accept bad behaviour in men? Am I just scared to be alone? Confused!

    ReplyDelete
  35. How about you give him a 3 month trial and let your daughter know this too. He should also apologize to your daughter and there should be a clear 0 abuse policy in place in your house. If he slips up once or twice let him know that is OK if he gets it back together quickly - but at the end of the 3 months you and your daughter will both decide if you want to continue living with him. You can also make it clear that if it doesn't work out you are not neccessarily rejecting him but that you will not be able to live with him.

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.narcissismcured.com

    ReplyDelete
  36. is there anyone else out there who has survived couplehood with a NPD besides the Coopers?
    I so want to believe it's possible as I also weep reading this poem that could have been written in my own kitchen. but where are the other survivors who came out on the other side with (mostly) healthy relationship results from having walked through the fire? Not sacrificial lambs who doubled their own dance efforts, because like most who wrote here, i am also spiritually, physically, and mentally bankrupt from dancing as fast as I can for the past 7 years. Don't know where i would find the energy, but if more than a handful of people could actually attest it is possible to walk through the fire to a different other side, i would think about it with all my (little) remaining might! anybody?????????????

    ReplyDelete
  37. that is a great question. I could have written that last comment myself only for 20 years not 7. Is there anyone else who has had a good result from taking their last bit of what they have left and trying again?

    ReplyDelete
  38. This poem is so my husband, I have tried counselling a couple of times and have always had to say its a marriage problem to get him there, when we get there he refuses to speak most of the time. it has been 25yrs, I used to cry a lot until I finally realised he really isnt there. His stepmother helps feed any needs he has ie; money, holidays etc. When I do praise him for anything its like its not enough, each time I would have to take it a step further.

    I have made the decision to stay with my husband not out of love for him but the fact I dont want to have to leave our daughter alone with him. His behaviour does wear me down at times and I think if I divorced him I wouldnt have to watch our bank accounts so much and always be managing his moods, but then again I probably would. I do feel sorry for him.

    When my now 21yr old saw a councillor one thing that came out was he wouldve liked a better relationship with his dad but decided not to even try because of the anger that would be directed at him. Our 16yr old said a similar thing earlier this year although he is much deeper in his thoughts. I have always listened when ther are upset with thier dad and his behaviour and talked to them about it not being ok and that in no way is it thier fault, I do need onoccasion to stick up for them when my husband starts bullying and I have told him when he asks why I do that the reason they have a mother is that she can nurture them and be dependable and strong and if that means telling him to lay off I will.

    Our daughter is only 5 and doesnt quite understand yet although has asked why daddy is so mean her 16yr old brother has no problem sticking up for her. I dont want it that she would be left alone with him on weekends. He would abhor being a single dad and she would bare the brunt of it.

    He used to threaten to leave a lot and I always talked him out of it but when our daughter was 2 and he threatened I said calmly it would be a good idea and agreed with him on all his ideas of what a poor type of person I am, he cried and begged not to separate since this he has never mentioned anything like it but there is a thin veneer over his anger.

    He recently for the first time threatened his only mates wife with legal action over something minor and apologized wich I was very shocked at but I realised he had sent it in an email and couldnt deny it so much.

    I hope I have made the right decision for my children.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Yes it is a very tough situation you are in and I understand your concerns if you split. You have come to such a great point of not letting him knock you off balance any longer however that it really would be great for you to work through the steps in Back from the Looking Glass and the Love Safety Net Workbook and see if you cannot make him face his own inner hell.

    Kim Cooper
    http://www.NarcissismCured.com

    ReplyDelete
  40. Great poem! I am almost 70 & we have been together for 48 years. I was Dx with NPD about 25 years ago & have knocked out several addictions since then. We have not had financial issues. My wife could have left at any time & taken whatever money there was. I got a lot of help here, & from Scott Peck's "People of the Lie," 12-step groups, therapists, & friends. I still sometimes have "tantrums," but they are now shorter, & quickly recognized & resolved. We are still working through a lot of emotions because my NPD was virtually unchecked for the first 20 years of our relationship. For both of us, it's a daily endeavor, but we seem to be making some progress. Maybe it's because others need hope; maybe it's because I married an angel.

    ReplyDelete
  41. To Anonymous with wife who is an angel,

    It takes a lot of courage and maturity to recognize your own faults and keep working on them. I'm so impressed that you see your as the angel that she surely is! Warm wishes to you as you continue to improve.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Kim,

    I cried when reading this. Like everyone else, I spent the past 4 years with a narcissistic partner in my marriage. About 5 months ago, he just left out of the blue, with no explanation, and our divorce will be final in a few months. I have done a lot of soul-searching, which led me to your website, which has been a godsend. I am heartbroken and still want to fix the relationship, but am afraid of initiating contact with him again, as I will simply get more hurt when he rejects me for the thousandth time. Even though he said he'd write me an apology letter, I know I'll never get it. This poem is the apology that I needed. Thank you for writing it.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Wow so many women going through this well, my story starts like this.I have been in an off and on relationship with this person for 13 years, and to say the least I am drained. My boyfriend (has asked me to marry and I declined) is just down right crazy and now I feel crazy. He has done so much to me, he has pulled out guns on me, if I ask him to leave he destroys things that directly affects me or my children, he argues with me about statements I make, even when I agree or decided to go his way he still continues. He is manipulative, lies and twists the truth. I am so tired, my children are unhappy and so am I. There are so many instances that I can go into about this relationship, however I do not think there is enough time or space. I am very sad because we have moved to new state where I do not have any friends or family. We argue so much and he threatens to leave, which is fine with me. I'm just scared because I am in an new state. He says he's going back to Houston if he leaves. So here I am. I do not want to deal with this man. I remember being such a happy person, filled with life, and now I am in constant battle with myself. I am always down and depressed and find myself acting like him with him. That is not me. Can someone please help not sure where I'm going with my life.

    ReplyDelete
  44. I broke up with my NPD boyfriend last Saturday ( I figured he is a NPD 2 days after the break up). A week before I officially broke up with him, I decided to be single in my head. I didn’t call or sms him and to my surprise that week he called me desperately everyday.
    I met him over coffee the next day and told him that this ‘relationship’ isn’t working for me. It didn’t even feel like a relationship, I didn’t feel emotionally or mentally connected to him. Also whenever I asked about the future he said he doesn’t plan for the future and takes one day at a time and I want to get married and have kids. He agreed that the relationship was sort of dead (I guess that he felt so because for the past 3 weeks or so I was cranky borderline bitch, wanted to know about his level of commitment and had refused to pay for his booze). He felt he was going down and was dragging me along with him. Also, that he can’t give me what I need. But he wanted for us to remain friends and hang out. I refused, told him I don’t even want to see his face and will ignore him if our paths ever crossed. He looked hurt, asked me 3 times to reconsider but I refused. I wanted my closure. He dropped me to my car and left.

    2 days later (Monday) he messaged me asking for a loan. I didn’t reply. 2 days (Wednesday) after that he again sent me a text asking for money and saying he was desperate. He called once when I didn’t reply, but I didn’t pick.

    It’s been 5 days since (monday), and I am beginning to miss him. Is this normal? I know he is not capable of loving me the way I deserve to be loved but I loved him despite all his flaws and shortcomings. Also, now I can feel how lonely and depressed he must be on the inside (although he always surrounds himself with friends). I doubt if any of his other friends know what it is to feel like he does. Although I am no master in this area, I can now understand why he wasn’t supportive of my accomplishments or emotionally close or why he tried to control me by setting up all the rules. I feel if I had known he was suffering from this disorder, I would have handled our relationship completely differently. I feel he really needs a lot of emotional support right now, since his family is fed up of him for not performing well in studies and his friends are shying away from his for he is financially unstable and is living off them.

    Please advice. Should I contact him or should I wait for him to get in touch with me and whether this is the right direction or should I run like I did and follow no contact? I am completely clueless

    ReplyDelete
  45. Wow. My husband is now packing up to leave. While he is packing, I happened to get on this page and read the poem and am crying. I feel so sad, for him, it sounds so helpless and I do not know how to make him feel better, without getting hurt with his lies, infidelities, yelling, stubborn-ness. I want to reach and hug and it is too late now. I sent the poem to him and told him I still love him. Keep hoping he will get help to fix it but he keeps saying he lived his life fine without me and he will be fine without me now. He did line up many online chats with women, which I've found multiple times, lied about them, cheated in person, too and lied to those women, too. Now we are all broken, not certain how to explain to my 3 year old that daddy is not home tonight. I think my husband would never find the way within himself to change. So back to crying, even if he doesn't like me to, I can do it in my privacy. :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey first things first is that you take care of yourself and your beautiful child ...

      http://www.narcissismdailymirror.com/2010/12/there-are-some-things-we-must-face.html

      Delete
  46. I wish I found out about your site a few days ago. I am reading your e-book now. It would have helped; I wish I knew then. Strange timing. I even looked for a counselor a few weeks ago to guide me how to communicate with my husband. We have been in the spiral of anger and fights for 2 years now, getting worse and worse now I realize because he wanted to blame me for his actions and didn't care anymore. The counselor told me I am courageous for having stayed this long (we are together 8 years, married 4 years, 3 year old child - our golden gift; I found out his infidelities 2 years ago and kept finding more), that I should consider leaving him but she also suggested that if he is willing to, we can see her together and he can see her by himself first. He first agreed to go to marriage therapy together, then backed out saying they never help and what did I tell the counselor already about him anyway (don't you think it would be to his benefit if she saw him and got his side of the story, too?). I told him multiple times that he should temporarily move out and live in the apartment he kept (b/c he needs his space) and cannot even afford to rent (and he finds roommates without letting the landlord know) so we can see how it feels. He kept ignoring or threatened that one day he will take all his stuff and never come back. Yesterday when I tried to have another conversation to guide him to find a job, it turned quickly into fight, I quickly turned into my anger and told him to move out. He insisted we should divorce as quickly as possible and to let him know what the plans in the next few days of how to accomplish this. He is probably now in the arms of the woman he told me that he slept with a few months ago (found his love letter to her, too, she didn't know he was married but thought they would end up together). I do not know if there is any chance to consider I can work things out with him. I emailed him twice to say we should work together to fix this, I feel his pain and he deserves to be finally happy, not to leave; probably all the wrong things to say. I do wish I found your e-book before he moved out already.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Thanks Kim. The poem talked to my heart. I tried replying to you asking for advise, looks like it started a new thread, below from Kimre. He came back last night to read a book to our son for bedtime (very few times he did that), and he came back this morning to drive him to school. We spoke only hi, how are you and what happened in this career meeting yesterdy (2 sentences). Nothing more. So, now that he is gone out of the house (he stil has the keys), do you think there is any chance to reconcile and repair all that's already done?
    From last night: I wish I found out about your site a few days ago. I am reading your e-book now. It would have helped; I wish I knew then. Strange timing. I even looked for a counselor a few weeks ago to guide me how to communicate with my husband. We have been in the spiral of anger and fights for 2 years now, getting worse and worse now I realize because he wanted to blame me for his actions and didn't care anymore. The counselor told me I am courageous for having stayed this long (we are together 8 years, married 4 years, 3 year old child - our golden gift; I found out his infidelities 2 years ago and kept finding more), that I should consider leaving him but she also suggested that if he is willing to, we can see her together and he can see her by himself first. He first agreed to go to marriage therapy together, then backed out saying they never help and what did I tell the counselor already about him anyway (don't you think it would be to his benefit if she saw him and got his side of the story, too?). I told him multiple times that he should temporarily move out and live in the apartment he kept (b/c he needs his space) and cannot even afford to rent (and he finds roommates without letting the landlord know) so we can see how it feels. He kept ignoring or threatened that one day he will take all his stuff and never come back. Yesterday when I tried to have another conversation to guide him to find a job, it turned quickly into fight, I quickly turned into my anger and told him to move out. He insisted we should divorce as quickly as possible and to let him know what the plans in the next few days of how to accomplish this. He is probably now in the arms of the woman he told me that he slept with a few months ago (found his love letter to her, too, she didn't know he was married but thought they would end up together). I do not know if there is any chance to consider I can work things out with him. I emailed him twice to say we should work together to fix this, I feel his pain and he deserves to be finally happy, not to leave; probably all the wrong things to say. I do wish I found your e-book before he moved out already.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Kim and Steve,

    I continue to share your work and turn to my (your) workbooks and your blog to refresh my thinking and behaviors ... you are amazingly clear in your approach ... your holistic method has so helped me strengthen me.

    Thank you for being you two, Jeannie

    ReplyDelete
  49. I have found your site, because yet again I am sat here heartbroken as the narcissist in my life has seen fit to completely destroy everything yet again. I found out she had NPD a while back (though this is undiagnosed) I read a site that detailed the games Narcissists play and I am not joking, word for word she did every single one of them, so researched more and more and for the first time it all made sense.

    I love her so much, she is wonderful in a million ways, but on the flip side, she is a horribly abusive bully who behaves like the most obnoxious unfeeling spoilt monster I have ever encountered. She is verbally and emotionally abuse, rules through terror, I live with constant put downs and insults, mind games and bullying...I have stuck it out for three years enduring what I think would crack most people, and I have done so out of love, I live constantly hoping she will change her catchphrase is "If I'm so bad why don't you leave?" - never really appreciating that you never want to leave someone you love.

    Thank you for this site, its just nice to know that I'm not the only person going through this

    I have started my own blog about my experiences, please feel free to check it out, I'm at absolute rock bottom right now so finding writing is therapeutic, don't really have anyone I can talk to and feel so sad :(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just read your Blog. Ur story really broke my heart. I too was a victim of narcissistic abuse and sociopath. So if u feel u seen bad its someone that been through far worse. Allways feel free to send me a blog. I caught on in 30 days what I was dealing with and ended it. I fan share some techniques with u that can be helpful so we wont fall victim to these predatores. Dont feel sad. It only makes her feel happy. I wish I had you as my man. Damn. Y do these nasty women get good men?. Good women get rotten men's? I guess that's what makes life go round. U gone be OK buddy. Reply back so we can chat..

      Delete
    2. I thank God for the test and trials my life has endured, for God has blesed me with beautiful children and a beautiful wife, but for more than 2 decades I have suffered alone, and most often in silence believeing that someday things would change. Of course things became progressivly worse. At the end of my rope, on the verge of ending everything and destroying my family and the lives of my kids, devine intervention led me to this website. I praise the Lord for Kim and Steve and all you've done to help folks like me. This website reminds me of an elite surgen who removes a life threatening disease from your body and then provides a perscription for aftercare. Thankfully my spiritual eyes are now opened and I can clearly see all that has been hidden from me for so long. "Shine on" Stay strong, I'm praying for you, and your situation, keep fighting the good fight, and know, "God will never put more on your sholders than he knows you can handle". My story is one that I find very difficult to tell, and speaks directly to the depth in which I Love my wife and family. Since finding this website, and reading about all the different experiences, I now feel empowered to share my story with anyone who would care to read. My story of pain, deciept, long suffereing, emotional,sexual and psychological abuse ect...all the element of a hollywood movie. In the end, my story is all about the greatest gift I've ever recieved in my life.

      Delete
  50. Thanks for the site -- I have only just begun learning of NPD
    I am a man who has a wife who has NPD -- the only thing I have found a little discouraging is the role reversal lack (so far) on the "mans side" who who has a wife/exwife with NPD
    I was refering to the lack of info in general not specific to your site.

    Call me Bruce from NC

    ReplyDelete
  51. Hi, this really got to me and thank you for writing it. I'm not sure why I could read for hours and hours some descriptions about NPD and BPD, and none of it really hit me hard until I found this poem.

    I have been in a few bad relationships like this and did notice a pattern, and then I recently met someone who I think is really amazing enough for me to hopefully change and get better. I have to tell her that I have this terrible stuff going on with me (I might have NPD.. or maybe both NPD+BPD, it's so hard to tell) and that I am working on it, and that I really think she's worth it and maybe she will accept my apologies for everything?

    Or maybe not. I guess I just need to get better though and start realizing what is broken. It is really sad that there are so many people in the world with these deep things, and that the reason we end up in relationships together is that we all have this deep desire to be loved and don't know how. I hope we can all get better.

    Thanks Kim.

    ReplyDelete
  52. Thank you so much for this poem, I have been dating a narcissist for the past 4 years. THe first 2 years were perfect the last two have been a sham, he lies, cheats, and in the end I'm the one begging for him to return because he believes he has done nothing wrong. In his mind he is the one who is write and how dare I question him for doing what he does. I wish my boyfriend would read this to me. A few weeks ago i caught him cheating, confronted him, and he cursed at me and said it was my fault. He never even apologized, he never even let me ask him why. All he said was I'll talk to you when I'm ready. I feel like this whole thing is my fault because if I just hadn't caught him i could pretend things are ok. He's been lying to me for years, about so many things big and small, I just keep thinking I could change him. I guess i finally realize i can't. Thank you for this website! I wish I would found this sooner.

    Stephanie Marie

    ReplyDelete
  53. This poem made me cry. I fell for someone I suspect has NPD; this poem echos what I sense from him. He's a good man inside and I see that. Not sure how long I can fight for him, as we've 'broken up' again, but still I feel a soul connection to the little boy inside that man who doesn't mean to behave so badly.

    ReplyDelete
  54. Thank you Kim, this has been taped on my desk for a long, long time already and is always on my mind and keeps me going. Thank you so much.

    ReplyDelete
  55. Hello
    Rita Carter Thomas From UK. My boyfriend and I have been getting into little arguments which then later escalated. A lot of which are my fault but I never thought I would lose him because we are in love. He told me yesterday that he loves me but is done. That the fights keep hurting him too much. I can’t believe I hurt him like that and would love nothing more than another chance to prove to him and myself that I will cut out my insecurities that I’ve brought into this relationship. I did all i could to end this fight between us us, didn’t work so i had to seek the help of a spell caster who i met online and promised to help me bring him back into my life in 5 days time. i wasn’t really sure about this, but i was really desperate that i had to do all that that the spell caster asked me. it was on the fiftieth day at 3pm on friday, i had a knock on the door and to my greatest surprise, it was my boyfriend, the first thing he said was that he has forgiven me and he will never leave me again, ever. Am so full of joy for what this spell caster have done for me, that i want the world to benefit from this. if you need her help you can reach her on (driayaryi2012@hotmail.com) for any thing on relationship or anything you can think of He is very powerful and so real.

    ReplyDelete

Please Share!

Join the Narcissism Daily Friends Connect Social Network